Whenever my dad wasn’t molesting me, he was a fairly decent dad. All the more reason why no one ever suspected a thing, as far as I know. If you saw how normal he was with me, you’d never guess what he was doing to me once, sometimes more times every week, which later became every day. But he made it so you couldn’t see what he was doing. He was pretty careful about molesting me during the first several years he would do it. Always did it when there was no chance anyone could see it. Save for the times he would molest me in the middle of the night when my mom would just be on the other end of the house. He didn’t start getting reckless until I was 15 when it became an everyday occurrence, yet even then he never got caught. During that time, he was still completely normal on the surface. Though he did start looking at me differently. If he wasn’t physically attracted to me before, he clearly was when I was a teenager. I have to wonder if anyone ever caught on and at the very least thought it was weird.

How normal and good of a father figure he was outside of molesting me created some conflicting feelings. It was normal for me from ages 8-12, but after I wizened up at 13 and realized I was being molested, I still questioned if my dad was really a bad person. In my mind, he normal he was as a father figure showed he could be a good person and I wanted to believe he actually was. Even though I never had an answer for the question it would raise of “If he’s really so good then why is he molesting his own daughter?” At least that dumb way of thinking was more preferential than how I was thinking before it. Anyway, this belief that my dad was a normal person on the inside probably led to me suppressing my trauma for years after the fact up until he died. Like I explained in a previous post, even after the molestation ended, my dad and I had a normal relationship whenever we’d converse with each other.

I know I’m not alone in how I felt conflicted and I know my dad isn’t the only clever child molester out there who can cover their tracks well enough that no one suspects a thing. It’s honestly scary to think about how a father can go 20 years with molesting his daughter on a fairly frequent basis and live a full life having gotten away with it. Really makes you wonder how many more are really out there. Is it really not normal?

There’s not even a whole lot to tell this time. I considered not making an entry about it at all, but I figure I may as well report on how there’s not much to tell. We discussed much of what we did the last time, trying to uncover anything else my dad might’ve done to me. I didn’t feel this session was very productive, to be honest. I let my therapist know that and she said we would talk about something else next time, but asked me to think carefully about what we discussed again to see if anything comes up. She seems convinced there’s some repressed memories. I’ll try thinking about it and see if she’s right.

I’ve been thinking about what I talked about with my therapist during my last therapy session; how my molestation by my dad was always one-sided in the beginning with his only doing stuff to me and never once having me do anything to him that I can recall. Like I said before, he never even appeared to get sexually aroused when he would give me oral from ages 8 to 13. He was always very calm and collected and didn’t start getting all horny with me until I was 14.

In the beginning, he seemed concerned for my well-being too. Sometimes, he’d stop in the middle of going down on me to ask if I was hurting. He’d occasionally ask me how I was feeling during because he liked hearing me say it felt good, but a few times, he asked specifically if I was in any pain. Another time when I was 8 and it had been going on for a couple months, he had just finished giving me two orgasms in a row for the first time and said if it ever feels too sensitive to let him know because he doesn’t want to make it uncomfortable for me.

He would sometimes tell me he just wants to make me feel good because he loved me and that was the way the best way he could show it. Maybe his motives at first really were about giving me pleasure and he truly believed in all that crap he said. Not that it matters and not that I’m having any positive thoughts about that in the slightest. It just makes me think of how much of a depraved individual my dad was to think giving oral sex to your daughter was some ultimate display of affection. If he really wanted to prove he loved me, he could have been a normal dad and not scar me for life.

In today’s session, my therapist was pressing me about my dad and how he got off on molesting me. Not really pressing like an interrogation or anything like that, but it seemed like she was trying to see whether or not I might remember anything else he might’ve done. We mainly talked about how my dad only ever did things to me and never me to him. Before age 14, I have no memory of my dad masturbating himself before or even appearing aroused. When giving me oral sex, he was always very calm and collected about it for the first several years. If he was aroused, he did a great job of not showing it. It wasn’t until I was 14 when he started looking at me differently and getting visibly aroused while doing it to where he started masturbating. Perhaps it could very well have been all about giving me pleasure at first but then once I reached a certain age and started growing more into a woman, that’s when it became about pleasuring himself too. I’ve pondered this as well before, but never really paid it a whole lot of thought. Sure seems like that’s the case. I have no memory of him ever having me do stuff to him. No having me touch him or ever returning the favor with oral. When I was 15, he’d have me do all those things I mentioned in that post recounting everything that happened at that age, but those were the only other things I remember him doing other than oral sex. But I will concede that I may have some repressed memories I don’t know about yet and my therapist just wasn’t able to unearth them. Maybe we’ll find out next time because it didn’t seem like she was done talking about this yet.

At 15, my dad had started molesting me almost every single day at every opportunity he had. It suddenly stopped after he tried having actual sex with me and I made it clear I didn’t want that. He got shot down enough to stop molesting me for at least a year. I went through the age of 16 without being molested once. That’s an incredibly sad achievement to note and something no one should ever have to say, but I was being molested since childhood, so that really is something for me. It inevitably happened again after I turned 17 though. At least three times, but these times were different. For one, they each happened months apart from each other. Even before he started doing it daily, my dad would go no longer than four weeks without molesting me. And when he did it again when I was 17, he was no longer doing it confidently at first. It was a bit awkward, to be honest.

The first time was while I was sitting at a table doing homework. Out of nowhere, my dad comes up to me and asks if I needed help with it. I told him I was good, but then he asks if I could stand up for a minute. I asked him why, not making the connection what he was about to do again yet. He went “Just…” and gestured for me to stand. When I stood in front of him, he put both his hands on my waist for a moment. I asked him “What are you doing?” Still genuinely didn’t know somehow. He didn’t answer me, he just started undoing my pants, then I finally figured it out. He did it very slowly and both of us were tensed up. Me because I had froze out of fear and him, I’m thinking because he was waiting to see if I would tell him “No,” but I didn’t have it in me like always. He kept glancing up at me while he was lowering my pants too like if he was looking for any indication that I wanted him to stop. I did, but I was too scared to say it.

When he finally had my pants down, he again hesitated for a moment before kneeling down. He looked at my vagina and awkwardly joked “You still shave,” before letting out a chuckle. There was a bit of a stutter, though, so it sounded “Y-You still shave.” Again, indicating that he was feeling nervous. His little laugh was heavy and nervous too. He finally closed in and started licking. I gasped and just tilted my head back, shutting my eyes waiting for it to be over. When he was finished, he stood up with that satisfied look on his face he’d always have after making me cum. He asked me “How’d that feel?” I answered “Good,” flatly and without making eye contact. He noticed my lack of enthusiasm and said “Huh?” I repeated what I said louder and quicker. Out of fear, really. He stares at me for a few seconds, like he was in some kind of dismay. Then he let out a sigh and said he was going to work, even though it was a bit early for him to leave. I didn’t lie, it did feel good, but I didn’t enjoy it and I think the lack of enjoyment in my voice said it all for him.

It would be at least three months before he did it again. That next time was basically the same as the last. Starts off all slow and awkward and after giving me an orgasm, he appears to look for some sort of approval and when I don’t show it, he looks disappointed. I believe my dad was looking to make a regular thing out of it again. Perhaps he wanted to give having sex with me another shot. I don’t know. But he could tell I wasn’t enjoying it now. I actually hadn’t been enjoying it since I was 13, but I guess now my dad finally realized it too. Again, I admitted it felt good but I still didn’t want him to eat me out anymore. But because I was too scared to say no, acknowledging it felt good was kinda like saying “yes” without actually saying it. Guess he could only get off himself if I was enjoying it, but he knew I wasn’t.

The third time happened four months after the previous time, but he was a bit more confident about it this time. He straight up told me to take off my pants and sit on the couch for him like he usually would when initiating oral sex. The only thing that was of...

[ Continued ]