This is going to be a short entry. But I feel I’m coming around. Accepting that I’m not at fault for enjoying being molested by my dad for a time. I found myself getting less emotional and with less harmful thoughts toward myself this time around. It’ll take a bit more counseling, I feel, but I think I’m making progress.

This will probably be the last entry I make for a while. Not just because it’s holiday time at the time I’m writing this, but because I have a lot of self-reflection to do. But for anyone who cares, I’ll be back eventually. Thank you for following my posts and have safe holiday.

Just a few more days until Christmas and, like Thanksgiving, I just know someone is going to bring up my dad again and how this is our first Christmas without him in this world. Thanksgiving wasn’t that bad as it was only a passing mention, but because Christmas is the more important holiday, I guess you could say, I get the feeling it’s going to be more of a big deal this time. I’ll just have to grit my teeth and maybe scoff a little when they get going how he was such a good man. If someone says he was a good father, I may have to laugh. I once said I would at least tell my mom by Christmas, but I haven’t had it in me. It’s probably not a good idea anyway. Then Christmas time becomes associated when everyone learned the awful truth about my dad. Maybe next year. Or never.

As expected, my therapist and I once again talked about the early period of my dad molesting me from ages 8 to 13 and how it was consensual (in a sense) during that time. Also how badly I hate myself for it now. I've learned I'm more angry at myself for that than I am at my dad for molesting me, which, suffice to say, is very unhealthy. I found myself blurting out without even thinking that I just want to go back to that stupid little girl I was and slap her for willingly being messed up for life. The moment I said that, I broke down. That's indicative of how much resentment I have toward myself. But as my therapist said, that's a breakthrough on this subject because we're uncovering some deep-rooted issues I had and now we're able to deal with them better. I'm sure it's normal to have mixed feelings regarding therapy. I've talked about this before. I'm glad to be getting the help I very much need, but it's also highly demoralizing. I've always considered myself a reasonably intelligent and logical person hardened by my experiences, but this makes me feel that I'm just broken and emotionally-driven. I'll continue to go though. We'll probably be talking about this for a while yet.

No doubt it’s a good thing that I’m getting counseling for my trauma and I will eventually tell my family the truth about what my dad was doing to me for 20 years, but I’ve just recently started thinking that I still may never be able to get any closure. What if my dad answering to me, at least, for what he did is the final piece that will bring me the closure I need and I’m never going to get it now because he’s dead? Part of me really would like to have known what he would have had to say. If he really believed all the BS he’d tell me during, if he really did feel any remorse over what he did to me. You can say it shouldn’t matter to me, and it shouldn’t, but it does. Maybe another step in my journey towards overcoming my trauma will be letting go of that aspect.

Well, my therapist is very good at her job. In yesterday’s session, she told me she had observed something I tended to gloss over whenever I’d speak about it: how I was a willing participant in my dad molesting from age 8 until I was 13. She ended up unearthing a lot of shame I still have toward myself for that. I always sort of knew that guilt was there, but I never really confronted it until yesterday. I got the most emotional I have yet during my therapy sessions. I understand full well that I am not to blame for anything, that I was taken advantage of, but I still harbor some deep negativity toward myself for it. I once said I had gotten better with the self-loathing aspect of my molestation, but yesterday showed that I still haven’t. I’ll make a detailed entry on that whole thing someday. Maybe after I’ve come to terms with it through counseling. I know my therapist is not done talking about that yet and I suppose neither am I. I’m not excited to, but I know I must.