Today, my therapist and I talked a lot about my dad and how his psychology might've been. We ended up covering so much, I'm going to go over all we talked about in a separate entry altogether. But I'm feeling like I've found a big piece to the puzzle on overcoming my trauma today. What my dad's perspective was on molesting me probably shouldn't matter or be of the least importance concerning all that happened, but I can't help but feel like having an idea of how it was is like overcoming an obstacle. I'll get started on that entry right after posting this.

I’ve noticed she’s been drinking a lot more ever since I told her my dad had molested me. She doesn’t seem to be able to live with herself for it. I have brought up the idea of her joining me in therapy, but she isn’t up for it. She believes it would be sad if she went for therapy at her age. I tried talking to her about her drinking too, but she just told me “You have your way of dealing with it, I have mine.” I’m at a loss. I don’t want her becoming an alcoholic and I would for her to be able to overcome this properly since it’s obviously affected her too, but I can’t help her if she won’t help herself. Not that this is more important than my mother’s well-being, but I also fear her getting so drunk, that she tells other friends and relatives, which is something I’m still not ready for. But it makes me feel pressured to tell them so they found out through me before her. I just don’t know what to do.

I'm not going to get graphic here, but I'll still be reflecting on how I felt while I was being molested by my dad, so trigger warning all the same.

The age of 15 really was the worst time of my life for me. My dad made a daily thing out of molesting me whenever he had me alone. Which was often, obviously, if it was happening every day. He had gotten a job where he would work from 4 PM to 1 AM and since me mom worked from 8 AM to 5 PM, he would always have a large window to have his way with me during the daytime. Often multiple times out of the day.

When he first started molesting me every day, he would only do it during the daytime, usually in the afternoon before he would leave for work. For a while, I knew I would be safe after he went to work at least until the very next day. Evenings and nighttime were my periods of reprieve - when I didn't have to be scared of my dad. That ended up only lasting about a month until one night when I woke up in the middle of night to him molesting me after he had just came home from work.

From that point on, it started becoming a thing that happened almost every night as well. The set up was just too perfect for him. He would come home while my mom would be asleep and had plenty of time to do what he would do to me for a while an then just go to bed without my mom suspecting a thing, assuming she would even wake up when he eventually went to bed. He would molest me at night before, but he did it so rarely, I never thought about it at the time.

With that, my period of reprieve had been taken away from me. I no longer felt safe at night. Many nights, I couldn't sleep because I was too scared of waking up right in the middle of it. My anxiety would be high just counting down the hours of when he'd come home, reaching its peak as soon as I heard the front door to the house open. He wouldn't do it every night and I would always hope that night would be one where I'd hear his footsteps disappear to the other end of the house where my parents' bedroom was rather than getting closer and closer to my bedroom.

All of this contributed to how hopeless and broken I felt. I was so dead inside, whenever I would reflect on how my life was, if I wasn't crying my eyes out, I was putting myself down by telling myself I have to accept this because I deserve it for being too weak to do anything about it. I don't know how I went on for so long enduring this dark state of mind and reality I was in. Then again, I felt I didn't have a choice but to do so.

My recent therapy sessions have helped me realized that these times I would feel hopeless and unsafe at night had more traumatic impact on me than I thought. Which makes sense considering all the hours I spent lying at night just anticipating my dad coming home to molest me again. Since talking about this, I've been reflecting on how I would feel during these instances when I'm in bed at night and left to my thoughts before going to sleep. It's almost triggering for me. It only goes to show that this another demon I have to conquer. And I'm still confident I can and will.

Not a whole lot to tell. Though we did talk about a lot, we went back to discussing the time when I was 15. More of the same - me venting about how dark it was for me during that time. But my therapist was able to unravel some more psychological trauma I had never paid much mind before. Particularly how I felt going to bed at night in fear, knowing I may wake up to my dad molesting me again. I learned I have unresolved feelings about that time that I really need to talk about. Thinking about it now is upsetting. I may make an entry on it here soon. I suppose I'm learning quite a bit at how much I needed therapy for what was probably the worst year of my life at age 15.

Thanks to my mom dwelling on these instances, they’ve been playing over in my head a lot lately, so I may as well vent about them now.

When I was 18 and 20 were the last couple of times my dad molested me. The time he did it when I was 18, he had already done it two or three months before when I had been 17. That age of which he did it three times, but he wasn’t as confident about it anymore. It became awkward, even for him. Though that last time he was more confident like he had been when he was doing it to me every day when I was 15. That frightened me because I thought he was going to start doing it more often again and I would be too scared to stop it like always. Luckily for me, it didn’t happen for regularly, but he did to it again a short time later.

One night, he woke me up in the middle of the night. I don’t remember where my mom was, but she wasn’t home so it was just me and him. Him actually waking me up before molesting me was unusual as he’d usually just get right to it and I would wake up to him in the middle of eating me out or doing things to my body. I didn’t even suspect anything when he woke me up. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. He pulled my sheets off of me and started lowering my pants. I knew what this meant and then just laid there frozen like I always would.

That night, he made me climax the most times he ever had in a single day or night. Before, I remember him giving me maybe five or six orgasms in one day. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I had probably ten or more orgasms that night. I remember him doing two or three in a row, then stopping to let me rest for a while, even though he’d still be down there kissing my vagina or around it, before doing it a few more times. It got to where I couldn’t even hardly feel anything down there and wasn’t making any sounds until I’d start cumming again. Even then, just a series of rapid breaths were all I could get out. I don’t know how long that went on. Maybe an hour or so. But it felt like forever to me.

When he finally stopped, he sat up and asked me if I was okay. I just nodded, not making eye contact with him. But I wasn’t. I was exhausted and I felt so disgusting. How many times I had just been eaten out, it didn’t even feel good anymore. Just uncomfortable. Then my dad outright told me “I’m not going to do this to you anymore,” before he left. I didn’t think much of it or believe it at the time, but he did stop for a couple years, at least. I’m not sure what brought that on. The fact that my dad did it so many times that night makes me think he had planned to stop and that was his way of making the most of it before finally stopping. As for why he did decide to stop, I have no idea.

He did do it once more though. The last time was when I was 20, shortly before I moved out of the house. He too was going to be moving out shortly as my mom and had recently divorced (for reasons unrelated to him molesting me since my mom never knew until very recently), but she let him stay there until he could find his own place. That time, he again came to me in the middle of the night. He didn’t wake me up this time, so I woke up to him going down on me. No words were said this time. I had orgasm, he stopped for a little bit before continuing before I had another. Almost immediately after, he just got up and left. Didn’t even make eye contact with me, just came in to do what he did and that was that.

While I do believe he had intended to make the time when I was 18 the very last time as he said, I believe he did it again that time because he knew we were both going to be moving out and he probably wouldn’t have another opportunity to give me oral sex ever again, so he got two more times in. After both of those times, although I had to endure it again, I quickly suppressed the memories and forgot about it. As always, it was like it didn’t happen the next day for years. I already made an entry on how my relationship with my dad was when I would see h...

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