I forgot to add that that appointment I had scheduled to get my survivor tattoo had to get rescheduled. The artist who was going to do it offered me a spot in September. But I decided to put it off until maybe winter. Basically, I’m getting cold feet with the design I had in mind and how much it’ll hurt and with the healing process afterwards. I already have a couple tats, but they’re not on the scale this new one would be. I’m thinking of canceling the idea of a large broken wing altogether and going for something smaller. Boyfriendish likes to tease me that I’m chickening out. That’s probably fair. I suppose when it comes down to it, it’s hard to remain enthusiastic and dedicated to such a lifelong commitment that tattoos tend to be. At least I have more time to think on it.

In my previous entry, I talked about hoping to avoid making another graphic triggering post. I’m thinking maybe what will help avoid that is instead of dwelling my trauma, maybe I can dwell more on my current relationship with my boyfriendish partner, who’s been a primary source of happiness for me.

During my family reunion, I got to reintroduce boyfriendish to many of my relatives, all of whom remember him from when we were dating a few years back and were happy to see us “back together”. While we’re not together romantically now, we’ve been saying we are just for the sake of simplicity for others about our relationship. But I think anyone would assume that we are dating for how intimately close we get. I’ll just lean into him and he’ll put his hands wherever he wants save for my most personal areas.

I don’t know if I will ever get tired of feeling his hands on me. He hasn’t pushed his luck any further than he already has, but he still could and I probably would let him get away with it. It’s a good thing that he hasn’t though because that might just complicate things. Even if he may want to, evidences by him touching my shoulders only to pull away. He’s had a thing for my shoulders. So much it would get him aroused. At least twice now, he would start rubbing them with his hands only to abruptly stop. I didn’t say anything, but I know why: because it turns him on and perhaps he feels that’s crossing boundaries.

He’s very obviously attracted to me and has been pretty bold about voicing it. He likes calling me pet names like “beautiful” and “gorgeous”. Then he’s also paid me certain compliments that make his attraction pretty clear. For example, a couple weekends back when I was going swimming at my family park, he told me my body looked great in the swimsuit I was wearing. Compliments have never really done much for me and them coming from him isn’t too different, but I also don’t mind it. I’m sure he likes me for more than just my looks, but either way, I can find satisfaction in knowing he likes that much about me to keep spending time with me.

I can still comfortably say that I love this man and I know he loves me back. We haven’t told each other that due to the romantic connotations that it would suggest, but neither of us need to say it. We enjoy each other’s company very much. The topic has come up of us moving in together as roommates. Though it’s just an idea right now. It’s not officially becoming romantically involved, but it’s still a big commitment we’ll have to put some thought into. We have lived together before but under different circumstances, of course. Probably not going to happen anytime soon, but as an idea, I really like it. It remains to be seen whether it’s a good idea or not.

He’s helped me more than he knows and may ever know. Like I’ve said before, he’s provided me with the perfect companionship I didn’t even know that I needed. In doing so, he’s given me feelings of happiness in a period of my life where I’m going through a lot dealing my past trauma. I don’t know what our future is like since I’m sure he won’t be content in a relationship where there’s no romance or sex involved. So he shouldn’t be, that just wouldn’t be fair. And I won’t ever have that expectation of him. If he ever wants to leave to pursue a real relationship, I may not like it but there won’t be any hard feelings either. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

It's been a while since I made a post like this. But my family reunion was recently, the first one since my dad's passing. He didn't get talked about much, but I ended up having a flashback anyway when I was seated around a bonfire at night with a bunch of other relatives. Brought about a flashback of the very memory I'm going to talk about in this post. Please heed the trigger warning, because it's going to be a bit graphic, like always.

Shortly after I had turned 15, my parents and I went camping at my mom's family park one weekend. It was summertime, so several other relatives were staying the night down there like everyone usually does during summer. After the sun went down, we were all gathered by the bonfire - the same area where I had this flashback - and my mom had already gone to bed, but my dad was still up. He asked me to come with him for a moment. I didn't figure out why right away because I would suppress what he would do, so I just went with him not thinking anything of it. It wasn't until he started taking me further away from the campfire when I started getting scared and knew what was going to happen.

"Right here," he said, which was a dark enough spot to where no one would see us with the fire visible in the distance so he could see if anyone was coming. He pushed me against a tree and lifted up my shirt so he could put his mouth of my breasts. By this point, he had been doing it enough to where I felt hopeless and I knew there was nothing I could do about it anyway, so I stood there and just took it. He then undid my jeans and began performing oral sex on me. At least this time it was dark enough to where he couldn't see me cry so I just bawled enough to where he could mistake for me moaning so I didn't have to cry afterward.

After I climaxed, he told me I could go sit back at the bonfire if I wanted to. I just walked away while he stayed there. While walking away, I heard him unzipping his pants so he could masturbate. I didn't go back to the bonfire and just went to the tent where mom was sleeping and went laid down until I eventually slept. I don't remember hearing my dad come in, so I must've fell asleep before he did. Interestingly enough, my mom was gone when I woke up and went out to get breakfast for us, but dad was awake. Interesting, because he would usually go down on me again when he had me alone and our tent was secluded enough to where he probably could have gotten away with it. I was able to go the day without him molesting me again anyway.

Being at that bonfire during my last family reunion took me right back to that time when my pulled me away so he could molest me in the dark. It didn't get to me too badly, but it's been lingering in my head since, so I figured I may as well talk about it here with the hopes of venting it out. Better to be safe than sorry, I suppose. I fear that this ay bring on more flashbacks, since that's usually what happens when I get one. If so, like I've said before, you can bet I'll be venting more about it here. But hopefully not. I kinda liked having a trigger-free blog for the couple months that that lasted.

I almost forgot to write today. So yeah, the family reunion passed without incident. My dad did get brought up, but only a few times as a passing mention. That went pretty well for me. But I think the only reason it did was because there wasn’t much of my dad’s side of the family there. Guess they couldn’t bring themselves to come with him gone, even though he hadn’t shown up there for several years in a row since before he died. No matter, I’m just glad things went as well as they did. I did, however, get one flashback when it got dark with all those people there. It reminded me of a time when there were a lot of people down there and it was dark enough and everyone else was preoccupied enough for my dad to sneak me away. I may or may not post about that flashback soon. I’m not sure how much it has bothered me yet. We’ll see… I’m just trying to find solace in that I didn’t have to hear people talking favorably of my dad again. Hopefully it lasts.

It’s been what, four weeks since my last entry? Practically a month… But everything has been going fine since then. I suppose I have my boyfriendish man to thank for that. I won’t go on too much about him since I already have a lot in my last entry. But all is still going very well. I’ve brought him around my family, most of which who remember him from a few years back from when we were actually dating. We say we are dating just for the sake of simplicity, but my relatives who have always liked him have been delighted by us being “back together”, in a sense. Anyway that’s all I will say about that.

My family reunion will be this coming weekend from typing this entry. It’ll be our first since my dad had passed away. I can see that being brought up a lot and possibly getting to me… Not too unlike how it did with relatives bringing him up during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I fear getting flashbacks or just it bothering me enough to where I’m losing my cool. But I’ve made it this far without any flashbacks. We’ll just see how I do this weekend. If it does end up getting to me, you can bet I’ll b venting about it here…