I don’t know why this sort of thing happens, whether I’m subconsciously being triggered by something or if this is just something that periodically comes out of nowhere, but I’ve been getting yet another resurgence of memories from being molested. When I was 10 and 11 in particular. If my therapist was still around, I could vent about this to her today. But since she isn’t, I suppose I’m left to my own devices. I may make another entry on these memories soon. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to write another graphic one so soon, but if I need the therapeutic writing that bad…

I spent some time with my mom on Mothers Day yesterday. She asked me how I've been doing in regards to my trauma. We ended up talking about it again for a bit, the first time in quite a while. She seems to be doing much better with talking about it. Though she did end up blaming herself a bit more when she started talking on how she was through with him for some time before they divorced but was only staying with him because of me, thinking she was doing me a favor. I suppose applying some blame to herself is a given, but apart from that, she seems a lot stronger about it now. I told her I don't harbor any ill will toward her, so neither should she. She said she's trying. I'm sure it will come up again in the near future, but at least now it's easier to discuss with it her. Just hope it can eventually be just as easy putting it behind us.

“My ex”, still for a lack of a better way of referring to him. But with Mothers Day coming up, we got to talking about what we’re doing for our mothers that day. He brought up Fathers Day coming up after and I mentioned not having to worry about that since my dad is dead. He immediately put it together that I don’t see him in a good light by saying he’d offer condolences, but it sounded like I didn’t care for him. I told him he had abused me my whole life, but I didn’t go into a whole lot of detail, just like I’ve done with some of my other friends I’ve told about it. It upset him, as expected. But not nearly as much as it would have if it told him the full story, of course.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that the main reason I didn’t tell him was because I didn’t want the physical affection he’s been showing me to stop. Who in their right mind wouldn’t no longer feel comfortable getting all touchy-feely with someone after they just told you they went through years of being molested, right? I don’t know what to say. I just enjoy him putting his hands on me that much. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some underlying cause for it related to my trauma. The harmless tender affection I wish I had received all those years or something. Even if some of the stuff my ex does are things that low-key turn him on. Whatever it is, it makes me happy and I don’t want to lose it.

I haven't talked much about the times I can remember before the age of 7-8 when my dad started molesting me more openly and frequently until he eventually went all out with it. But I know he had to have doing stuff to me in my sleep before then. Here's what I can remember from my earliest years. This is going to be another graphic one so, keep note of the trigger warning.

My earliest memory is from when I was 4 years old. I woke up to my dad lifting up my shirt and kissing my bare stomach. I woke up giggling because his facial hair was tickling me and he kept going "Shh!" Even after I woke up, he continued kissing my stomach and when I kept giggling, he would keep shushing me, probably afraid I would wake up my mom. He said some other things to me too, but I can't remember what he said. I can't even remember how it stopped, if he told me not to tell mom or anything. I just remember bits and pieces.

Another notable memory I have is when I was 6. I had woken to him hovering over me while I was in bed. The light outside my bedroom was on so I could see his face clearly enough. He appeared very startled that I had woken up, both with his body movement and his expression. It was like he wasn't expecting me to wake up. I've always been a heavy sleeper, so maybe that's why. I don't know if he had been doing things to me in my sleep or that was him about to and I happened to wake up, but I'm sure his intentions weren't good. I remember just being confused by his reaction to noticing I was awake, didn't think anything was wrong. He said something like he was just checking on me and then he left.

But from ages 5 to 7, I would occasionally wake up with either my bottoms pulled down or my shirt raised up. During some of those times, I would also wake up feeling like I had to pee real bad. Obviously, my dad was doing stuff to me down there in my sleep. Of course, I wouldn't figure any of it out until years later. I'm not kidding when I say I'm a heavy sleeper. When I was older and my dad would molest me in the middle of the night, sometimes I would sleep through the majority of it and wake up either nearing an orgasm or in the middle of one. I'm certain he was molesting me in my sleep back then as well and I just slept through it.

When I was 7 was when he started touching me more openly when we would be sitting in the living room watching television when my mom wasn't around. He'd either rub my legs or massage my privates with his hands through my bottoms. I always thought that was weird and it felt weird. It didn't hurt nor did it feel pleasant, it just felt weird to me at the time. Sometimes he would kiss my legs and thighs and also lift my shirt to kiss my stomach. This I didn't find weird at all and saw it as him just being affectionate at the time. I know it's him molesting me now, but for some reason, I found him touching me down there odd but not him kissing me anywhere.

My dad would either give a lot of attention to my thighs or my stomach. I remember him lingering at my thighs for quite some time while I would just site and watch TV like it was nothing. I have one fragmented memory of when I was 7 or 8 of me standing in front him seated on the couch lifting my shirt for him watching him with his mouth on my stomach. I don't remember how exactly I ended up standing with my shirt raised in front him or what I thought of what he was doing at the time. My dad would occasionally pay attention to those two areas of my body after he started doing oral on me regularly, but not nearly as much as he would before. I think that was his way of being on the verge of wanting to go down on me while holding back from actually doing so.

One day when I was 8, he eventually did go from his mere touching and kissing to finally performing oral sex on me and the rest is history. Sometimes I say that first time when I was 8 the moment my molestation started, but as you've read now, it really was for the first 20 years of my life. That memory...

[ Continued ]

Looking at my my recent posts, I've been talking a lot about my ex (who's now a close friend) recently and not much about my trauma. I commented on one of my entries saying at least my relationship with him has been a good distraction. But what if this distraction is really just me procrastinating addressing my issues and it comes back to bite me later, In the form of my feelings being bottled up to where I'm feeling overwhelmed again? I've been helping a few fellow survivors on the forums here recently and one of them said I'm an inspiration. I've been praised by those I've helped before, but no one has ever told me that. If I really am, then I feel compelled to keep being such and that would be difficult to live up to if I'm losing myself from letting my issues get to me again. Perhaps I can find a middle ground between posting my slice of life entries and entries about my trauma.