The last time my dad molested me was when I was 20, shortly before I moved out of the house. My parents were already divorced by that point and my dad would end up moving out a month or so after I did. Once I was finally out of the house and on my own, I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad for the next ten years up until he died. But it wasn't because I wasn't speaking to him over what he did to me, believe it or not. No, I ended up suppressing those memories without even meaning to, if that makes sense. I would occasionally think about it over the years, but the memories didn't really start to resurface until after he died.

The reason I didn't see him much afterward was because he ended up moving back to where he was originally from, to a place that was over an hour's drive away so I would just never see him around. I would during family reunions or other occasions that involved bringing both families together. During those times, we wouldn't talk very much. The most I remember us talking was after I hadn't seen him for about two years and we were just catching up for a few minutes before going our separate ways again. Obviously, we never talked about how he molested me and I don't remember it ever coming to mind when I would see him either. It was like it never happened.

Just a couple of months ago when he died in a car wreck, I was surprised to hear he was gone so suddenly but apart from that, I didn't feel anything else. No grief, no relief, nothing. I don't believe it was just because I didn't have much of a relationship with him. I've had relatives that passed who I rarely saw but I still felt something for them when they died. When my dad died, again, there was just nothing. I believe it was because of all the repressed trauma from the first 20 years of my life he was molesting me affecting how I felt. Not long after the funeral service, then all of the memories started flooding in.

I think the main reason I was distant from him during all that time was because he was literally distant from me. I don't know if I would have had more of a relationship with him if he had lived closer. I feel like we could have because it really was like I had just forgotten all about everything that happened. I'm glad we didn't have a better relationship before he passed, but sometimes I think if we did, I could have confronted him on how he molested me and maybe get some better closure on my trauma. Though if I'm being honest with myself, I really don't know if I would have had it in me to do so. But not that any of that matters, of course.

I'm willing to bet a lot of adult children have a hard time broaching the subject. Wonder what he would have said, though. I'm sorry? Try to defend his actions, explain them away?

Thanks for your comment! I can picture him explaining why he did it, if the stuff he’d tell me while he would be molesting me was any indication: how he loved me and this is how he could prove it, by making me feel good. I can also picture him apologizing like he did the one time I actually protested when I was 15. He did seem genuinely sorry that time and even stopped molesting me frequently like you read in my post. I know none of it matters whatsoever and by all rights, is pointless to wonder about. But it’s just some thought that comes to mind. I’m glad you understand.