I had typed this up yesterday but somehow forgot to submit it, damn it all…

I had my first therapy session where my mom was present. Everything went rather well. We didn’t really go much into me being molested. Instead, my therapist wanted to get to know my mom better, which is fair enough. Overall, everything went well for this first appointment. My mom said she would join me for another next week. It might be a little different once we start getting back into the ugly details, but however my mom handles that, I’m just glad she’s taking counseling with me now.

I had a long talk with her over the weekend, as I had planned. I was able to talk some sense into her about getting some actual help and not turning to drinking like she’s been. I might’ve been a little short with her than I would have normally been, but that was a result of my mounting frustrations. It took a bit of arm pulling to get her to agree, but at least she did.

I also ended up disclosing some of the details of how my dad molested me, also as I had planned. That was pretty hard to do, only because she’s my mom. I just went ahead and used blunt language of the act he always performed on me like I always. No point in sugar-coating it using big words, especially with my mom. She handled it better than I thought she would. I’m sure it was still harrowing for her to hear, but I think she’s also had time to mentally prepare for the worst details.

She asked me a few questions, like if he ever raped me. She seemed relieved to hear that he didn’t (not in the usual sense, of course) but also distraught when I told him he tried to one time. I too asked something I’ve been meaning to for a long time, but hadn’t because I didn’t want her to take it as me blaming her for not knowing: if she ever suspected anything untoward about him with me. She said she really had no idea. I tried telling her I don’t hold anything against her for that, but I can tell she still blames herself.

Hopefully now, we can get that all taken care of in therapy from here on. I hope to have gotten all the harder-to-hear details out of the way so she can hopefully be prepared as can be when I’m disclosing them more in therapy. I’ll be sure to post an entry tomorrow on how it went.

I’m getting awful tired of seeing my mom slowly making herself into an alcoholic over what happened to me. I recently gave her a call to check up on her and she was drunk. She was tearfully saying ridiculous dramatic things like “You’re too beautiful for this to happen to,” and “Is this what having your life be a lie feels like?” When she sobered up, she called me later to apologize. I told her she needs to get it together and this weekend, we’re going to have another sit-down talk about this. I can’t stand to see my mom like this any longer. I’m going to urge her one final time to join me during my therapy sessions. I’m hoping her recent apology to me is her understanding how irrational she’s being and will serve as a wake-up call to her. If she agrees to it, I’ll probably have to finally disclose the details of my molestation to her, just so she doesn’t have to find out during therapy. That’s going to be hard to do. But another survivor who I talked to about this says she should know, that there’s nothing worse than not knowing. I see their point, even if I’m unsure if I agree with it. I guess we might just see if that’s true.

I’ve been reaching out to other survivors of sexual abuse and incest online on other websites under the hopes that I can impart some of my knowledge and experience in overcoming my trauma on others who are struggling more than I have. If anything, being someone they can talk and relate to about their experience when they have no one else.

I’ve been speaking to one fellow incest survivor and she recently asked me something: Did I ever enjoy it again after it stopped being consensual for me? She stressed that she hoped that she didn’t mind her asking and that she only did because when my dad was giving me oral sex every day, it must have always felt good; that she knows that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it (something I know she can empathize with) but she’s just curious if I ever did.

I didn’t mind her asking, because I feel it’s a noteworthy question that deserves an answer. It actually made me think and probably a good opportunity for me to face more demons I might have similar to when it was consensual for me for the first several years of my molestation. I can’t give the clearest answer, because I don’t remember all of the times. With how often it did happen to me, a lot of it is a blur and I would mentally suppress it a lot of the time too.

One short answer is I think rarely enjoyed it again. It always did feel good, but as I’ve explained before, this doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. It just means my body responded the way it was meant to to sexual stimulation. But I think sometimes the feeling would get so strong, particularly during a climax, where I might’ve enjoyed it for just a brief moment because it felt so good that it overruled any other thinking going on at the time. I know there were times where my body would respond to the oral sex stronger than I usually did for some reason.

The only time I can clearly remember having partly enjoyed it was actually the last time my dad molested me when I was 20. I woke up to him in the middle of going down on me and as soon as I did, I couldn’t help but practically grind on his face. My first orgasm was pretty strong, but he did it twice that night and after that first one, I started reacting to it less with the second. I think how I responded to that first one was a result of my body not having experienced any sexual stimulation for roughly two years since the last time my dad did it at 18 and so when I felt it again, the physical feelings just overpowered any mental reserves I normally had.

I don’t really remember any other times I might have enjoyed it even for a moment, but that one time I can clearly remember tells me that it had to have happened sometimes. Like I said, I do remember times where my body would respond more intensely than usual. If I ever did enjoy it, I’m going to say that I rarely did because most of the time I absolutely did not. To put it to numbers, I’m going to say probably 99% of the time, I didn’t enjoy it (after I stopped being compliant, that is). Maybe that’s why it’s difficult for me to remember, because it happened so rarely.

Even talking about the possibility that I might have enjoyed it again is difficult for me, but I think it’s important that I do, to leave no stone unturned, if you will, on uncovering any demons I still have about my molestation. I might go over this with my therapist next time. Perhaps she can start uncovering any fragmented memories I might have - something I’ve been hoping to do for a while now.

After discussing it with my therapist, I think we both now have a good idea of how my dad’s mind worked all those years he had molested me. First, when my dad molested me, it was almost exclusively through giving me oral sex. He never once made me do it to him or had me touch him in any way. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes, I can’t help but wonder why? What did he get out of only performing sexual acts on me without getting himself off? Most of the time, anyway. I'll get to that later.

I believe from the years between 8 and 13, he did it solely to make me feel good. I have no memory of him ever appearing to be sexually aroused when he would give me oral sex. He was always very calm and collected about it. He would sometimes tell me that this was his way of showing me how much he loved me and just wanted me to feel good. I’m inclined to believe that he actually believed molesting me that way was some form of affection. I’ve done some homework on this subject. I’ve read up on sources of other child molesters who believed their actions were just them showing love to their victims. One man in particular who molested his children detested the idea that he had raped or even had sex with his children because to him, it was “making love”. My therapist told me herself that this mentality isn’t too uncommon among child molesters. That’s why I believe it really was my dad's twisted way of showing "innocent" affection to me. At least until I turned 14.

At 14 was when I noticed my dad looking at me differently - once my body began maturing. I would catch him eyeing up my breasts, my legs and other parts of my body. This was when my dad started becoming sexually attracted to me. It could have been sooner than that, but 14 was when I started noticing it. After I turned 15, my dad started molesting me every day and this time was different from all the times he would before. He was no longer calm and collected, but very visibly aroused. He began doing things he never did before. He would masturbate himself, kiss and lick my neck, breasts and other areas of my body and would also dry hump me on several occasions. Every so often, he would have me stand in front of him wearing nothing but my underwear while he sat and kissed my body while masturbating himself.

I believe by that point, it was no longer about him showing affection by getting me off, but about getting himself off too. Even though he would still give me oral sex without masturbating himself much of the time. Perhaps him going down on me was usually enough sexual gratification for himself? But I think he could only achieve that too if I was compliant with him. I say this because the moment I freaked out once he tried having intercourse with me, it suddenly stopped and did so for a long time. Once he learned it was no longer consensual, it seemed it no longer appealed to him. He appeared to even feel guilty!

I’m sure he had to have suspected I wasn’t a willing participant any longer before that point. As I talked about in a previous entry, I would sometimes give him hints that I didn’t want him to do what he was doing. In that entry, I talked about how he would always have some counter for the things I would say that should have suggested I wanted him to stop and because I wouldn't ever say "no" (because I was too afraid to), in his mind, that told him that I was still willing, so he wouldn't stop.
Once he started doing it again when I was 17, he only did it a few times - each months apart from each other. I elaborated on this time in a previous entry as well, but these times, he appeared nervous and wasn't doing it confidently as he had before. Once he finished after those times, he appeared to look for some verbal approval that I was still enjoying it, but when he wouldn't get any from me, he would look disappointed. Again, maybe even guilty.

Then after he did it the one time when I was 18, him telling me that that was going to...

[ Continued ]