I was going to make a long entry talking about how my dad appeared to be distant from me whenever he wasn’t molesting me, how I was wrong about when I said he was a decent father figure before and how much it angers me. But after stopping to think about it, I’ve realized that none of that actually matters. I’m focusing too much on his mentality when I’ve already covered that enough. All I’m doing is getting myself worked up for something that’s not even relevant. I’m usually more level-headed than this. Perhaps the stress from my mom’s anxiety is messing with my head a bit. Maybe I should get back to being more active here again so I can vent.

I have difficulty remembering any genuinely happy memories with my dad. Obviously, whatever there were are overshadowed by him constantly molesting me for so many years, but I've realized there can't really be much anyway because we weren't close. I might have felt closer to him in my late child and early adolescent years because I regrettably enjoyed being molested during that period, but take that out of the equation and that's really all there was. During periods where he wouldn't molest me, namely the years I was 16 and 19, I can't recall many interactions between us where I can say is a noteworthy good memory about him. Come to think of it, it seemed like he actually avoided me whenever he wouldn't molest me! I just now realized that as I'm typing this and may have to make another entry where I elaborate on it. That just might make sense of a lot of things and show how he only ever saw me as an object and wanted nothing to do with me when he wasn't buried between my legs. I'll make an entry on it when I'm more level-headed though. If you couldn't tell, that actually pissed me off a little.

A few weeks ago, a man I was romantically involved with a few years ago started reaching out to me again. We were together for almost 4 years, but we simply grew apart and agreed to separate on good terms. He contacted me on Facebook late last month. It was nice hearing from him again and we were chatting off and on for a little while to catch up.

We ended up getting together for lunch one time so we could catch up properly. That was real nice, but I let him know I wasn't interested in any relationships right now. He doesn't know I was molested and I didn't tell him I was in therapy, but I told him I was going through personal issues and even if I was interested, now just wouldn't be a good time for a relationship. He said he was fine with that, but he hoped we could remain acquainted, which I'm honestly fine with.

Then last week, he ends up contacting me asking if we can get together again over the weekend. This was Thursday, after I learned my mom now has panic attacks, one of which nearly got her in a car wreck. I told him about that and that it wasn't a good time while also reminding him that now isn't the time for personal relationships, romantic or otherwise. He just expressed his condolences for my mom and that he hopes everything will be okay with us. He didn't really respond to me reiterating that I'm not interested, but I hoped that meant he got the hint.

But yesterday, I ended up getting a surprise bouquet of roses from him. I don't really care for flowers or Valentines Day. He knows this and says he did it as a friendly joke. The comical note he left with the bouquet suggests this is indeed the case, but I think it's both a friendly inside joke and him hinting he's interested in getting back together with me. I thanked him for the joke/gift, but also stressed how serious I was about not being interested in any relationships right now, if that was his way of hinting he wants to get back with me.

He still says he understands that and he just wants be friends, but I can't help but wonder. I think he might want to get back together with me and is hoping he can win me over with more dates and gifts until I start developing feelings for him. I could be wrong and I hope I am. If not, he's going to be in for a rude awakening. He's not a bad guy and I trust he'll eventually take the hint and go his own way. But I also won't be surprised if he tries one more time. If so, I'll just have to tell him I'm not interested one more time.

It's low-key adding on to the stress I've been feeling about my mom, but I haven't told him that yet. If he does try one more time, I will. I might feel bad for it, but I'm sure then he'll finally get it. I really would like to remain amicable with him because I do like him as a person. But if he still wants to be with me and can't get past that, it might just be better if we remain going our separate ways.

As stated in my previous entry, my mom now gets anxiety attacks. No doubt, as a result of her learning about how my dad - her ex-husband - had been molesting me for 20 years without her knowing. In today's session, we talked all about my mom's sudden anxiety. I expressed how I feel partly to blame for it by encouraging her to join me in therapy and how I feel it might not be a good idea for her to join us more.

The therapist explained that she's seen similar reactions in parents who learned their child was being molested without them knowing, that it can stem from a number of things from grief, to them harboring guilt over not knowing, or just the lasting shock that it happened. She suggested my mom to start having her own one-on-one therapy sessions. That we'll still have our appointments together, but advised my mom to set up dates where she could come in on her.

My mom agreed, so hopefully she'll do that. My mom was oddly quiet nearly the whole time, which was out-of-character of her. That's a bit concerning, but maybe I'm overthinking it. I can only hope she will follow through with seeking her own counseling. It's just too bad it's had to come to that.

I haven't been around much since my last entry. That's because a few things have happened that have led me to question if having my mom join me in surgery was a good idea after all, even if I shouldn't.

As I said in the title, my mom gets anxiety attacks now, something she says she has never experienced before in her life. Last Wednesday, the day after our first therapy appointment together, she says she ended up feeling an overwhelming sense of panic and almost got in a wreck. She called an ambulance because she thought she was having a heart attack. She's fine and didn't go to the hospital, but suffice it to say, this is something we're going to need to take care of.

Of course, I can't help but feel partly responsible for her sudden anxiety. I'm well aware that I shouldn't, but that's how I feel. As you can probably imagine, this has been stressing me out a great deal. I'm reluctant to disclose further details on when my dad molested me with her around because I don't want it triggering even more anxiety with her. I know it isn't easy for her to hear, but I never thought it would have this impact on her. Maybe I should have.

We went over it during our therapy session today, which I'll be making an entry on next, along with the other complicated thing that has been going on in my life lately.