I have to laugh at myself sometimes. I was doing so well throughout the summer and half of fall, all because I had boyfriendish distracting me that whole time. Now that we're both distant again and only visiting each other occasionally, I've been being plagued by memories of my trauma and having to vent once again. At least it keeps me active here and writing more like I wanted to, but damn it, it's sure made me realize what an invaluable source of peace of mind boyfriendish is to me. I've been inadvertently relying on him to avoid dealing with my issues and I shouldn't be. We're not in any committed relationship, despite acting as such around company, and I don't see us ever being in one. Which means this current relationship we have isn't going to last forever and so it shouldn't because it wouldn't be fair for him. He deserves a partner he can have a healthy (and real) romantic relationship with and I don't believe I can give him that since I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I'll cherish what we have while it lasts, however much longer it can, but I need to get back to working on actually overcoming my issues, so when the time comes, I won't need boyfriendish or anyone to bring me peace of mind.

My Snagina has always said you have to be happy with yourself, another person can't provide those things. However, paradoxically, it also hurts her feelings when I'm not a happy person because it's like a personal insult to her. Apparently that only works one way... Well, no I'm not a happy person, never have been, never will at this point. And I can attest that another person can't do that for you.