One year ago today, my dad was killed in a car wreck. His death being the catalyst that led to all of the repressed memories of him molesting resurfacing, thus marking the beginning of my journey to addressing and overcoming my trauma. Like I've said, I still feel nothing for him. Not happy or sad he's gone. I've lost friends and relatives whose death has impacted me, so it's not like I can't grief or anything. But for my dad, I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not going to get graphic with anything, but I'll still be talking about how my trauma came back to me, so I added a trigger warning just to be safe.

I still remember when I learned the news of his passing. I was told by my mom who called me to tell me what had happened. I was surprised to learn that, so there was that much. While it did linger in my mind for a while, it didn't make me sad or anything. At most, I would think something along the lines of "I can't believe he's gone now." When I attended his memorial service, I had many relatives offering me their condolences. Some who knew him well wept for him, but even seeing them grieving didn't make me sad. I think many assumed I was in shock because there were a few who were consoling me as if I was crying while offering for me to come to them should I need anything.

It was sometime after the funeral when the memories started coming back up. Even if I didn't grieve over him, I still thought about my dad often. Thinking about everything BUT him molesting me. Repressed as all those memories were, perhaps it was only a matter of time before I couldn't recall of anything else. I don't remember the first instance I recalled of him molesting me, but once I looked back on one memory, another would come creeping up shortly after. Then another and another, before it all came back to me and was constantly on my mind. It became very overwhelming. Before long, I started looking for websites where I could open up about what happened anonymously and eventually came across this site and the rest is history.

It's not exactly one year since I have started actively working to deal with my trauma, so I'll wait before I reflect on the whole actual year it's been since I have. But today is still a landmark event. I probably wouldn't be here if my dad was still around.

You reckon that you'd still be repressing the memories, and I tend to agree.

I have the urge to sympathise for your loss, but I know that's not exactly it, either. I suppose, I'm not sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for the lack of the need for saying I'm sorry for your loss. The last thing taken by him that wasn't his to take, I suppose. Your grief.