While talking to other survivors of childhood molestation, most of them tell me their experiences have led to them having a high sex drive. I have never had that problem. My experiences have nearly made me asexual, so quite the opposite. But one who knows my full story recently asked me why do I think I didn’t end up having a high sex drive. They expressed their surprise considering I had been molested in such a “one-sided fashion” so many times. That being me constantly receiving oral sex from my father, of course.

I didn’t really have an answer and I still kind of don’t, other than I just didn’t turn out that way. But I’ve spoken with my therapist on this before and she’s told me she’s talked to other survivors of abuse who ended up not having little to no sex drive and she’s also met those who were completely unaffected by their experiences. Again, I guess it just affected me differently than usual. In a way, I count myself lucky because I understand how having high sex drive can be terribly problematic for many. Especially those living with shame for being unable to help still fantasizing about their molestation. I feel shame just for having enjoyed it at some point. I don’t want to think about if I still fantasized about mine.

One theory I have as to why I’m not very sexual now is because of how many times it happened. My dad went down on me countless times and of course I would still experience the feelings of sexual pleasure even when I wouldn’t enjoy it. Maybe the amount of times I felt it has left my mind and body drained of any further sexual desire. I’m not sure if that that’s how it works. Probably not. Like I said, just a theory. But I think I lucked out in some way by not being very sexual. I feel that would really get in the way of opening up about my experiences.

For many years I heavily fantasized about my pederast- I still do, but after four decades it's blunted a little. For this mildly hypersexual person, it's merely been diminished by attrition via the passage of a lot of time, and getting old.

The kneejerk thought I had was the same as your musing- you had it so much growing up it's now a boatload of Meh- it really comes down to how each individual is wired. I guess the luckiest of all are those who don't seem to have been affected in either direction. From a practical standpoint I'd agree you're luckier than oh, four decades of lust and loathing (pointing at myself, there), but in your case it still angers me a little because again- how would a person be without the abuse? Those who were made hypersexed live a life revolving around sex or the thoughts of sex because their childhood was stolen; those who wind up with reduced sex drive are potentially not enjoying sex because again, something was stolen from them. Maybe we would have ended up the way we are anyway, but maybe not and we can't know for sure, because some adult decided to predate upon us. Rather ######6 pisses me off...