It still gets to me sometimes, of course it does. The shame and guilt I feel over being molested despite knowing by all rights, I shouldn’t be at fault for anything. But no matter how much reassurance I get or how logically I try to think on it, I just can’t help but feel ashamed living with the fact that I enjoyed being molested by my father.

One thing that really gets to me is how I don’t like sex now that I’m an adult. Like I said in my previous entry, even if I may enjoy it to a point, but I can live without it just fine. I did before, in a sense. When my dad would molest me. Sickening as it is, but I don’t like saying it anymore than one might like to read it. I know I couldn’t have helped that my sexuality had been awakened unnaturally and sooner than it should have been, but I just hate that it happened.

I believe my sexuality wasn’t just awakened prematurely, but it was used up completely as well, for lack of a better way of saying it. My father molested me so many times, almost each time through oral sex, which they say is the most stimulating form of sexual activity. Each time, I experienced an orgasm, which is times beyond counting. It probably isn’t any coincidence that I now don’t care for the feelings of sexual pleasure any longer.

I wish I could say it was because I’ve been traumatized into not enjoying sex any longer after having been molested. That could be part of the reason and maybe I would believe it was the full reasons if I hadn’t enjoyed being molested at all. But I enjoyed it for more years than when I stopped enjoying it. I’ve said this before, but my dad would play it off like he was doing something special for me, when all he was really doing was taking things from me.

I know I should only be mad at him for what he did to me, but every time I look back on my younger self getting off on him molesting me, I just cringe at myself so much, the shame just overrules any logical thinking. I’ve heard it all, very sound explanations and reasonings on why I was 100% at fault, all of which I agree with. I may be able to look back and say “It wasn’t my fault,” momentarily, but the guilty feelings always come back.

I may never overcome it. But maybe that’s just how it has to be. If one never truly just gets over their childhood trauma, maybe living with the guilt just comes with mine.

Well. Every time I think of my molester who was trying to groom me, I find myself wishing more had happened, that it had gone all the way. I understand that that's the point of grooming, and I understand my pederast needs an ass-whoopin' and I hope one day he finally got one. Still, it is what it is. I don't necessarily feel shame over that. Just.. the constant conflict between hate and want, I suppose.

Wish I could have the same mindset towards what happened with me. I’m glad you at least don’t live with any shame over what happened.

Well. For me, feelings most akin to 'shame' are more along the lines of my sexuality, which may or may not have been affected by having had a man's hand down my britches. In the moment, and the aftermath of the aborted grooming I was pretty conflicted and frightened and anxious that I wanted more. And perhaps felt some shame. But lasting, deep shame? No. My circumstances were very different. I wish that you could have a more detached mindset about it, but I mean, given the circumstances it's very understandable that you have the feelings you do. As with the (sort of?) asexuality, it irritates me on your behalf that you feel shame.

I don't know. I don't know if there's a right or wrong response to have. I've known (just casually, online) a young woman who was used by her father sexually and she didn't feel shame that was obvious to me- and last I knew, still would have sex with him on occasion. She understood that it wasn't the normal family model, but was completely groomed into it, I suppose. She saw it as normal for her, even as she intellectually understood 'this is not normal'. of course I was non-judgmental- who am I to judge? She was okay with it and loved her dad- but I was.. more than irritated on her behalf, though she didn't see a need for anyone to be. I just kept it to myself.
I'll... leave it to you, to decide which outcome is the less desirable. I'm not sure I can make a judgement on this sort of thing. Seems to me a balanced life post-incest is somewhere in between your outcome and hers. But I'm just rambling, at this point.

If you have any proposed ideas, I'd be more than happy to receive them. You've proven very wise and insightful the whole time I've been on this site.

Ideas- forgive my obtuseness I'm at a new job (for the first time in a long while) and well, a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Ideas to deal with this lingering feeling of shame, or guilt? I'll cogitate on it I'm really not sure.

In that case, it sounds like you have enough on your mind already. I’d hate to add to your stress. Thank you for your input though. You’re always a great help.

I work and sleep and that's about it until the weekends and not quite always then i'm told, so... yeah. Of course you're not adding to my stress no worries there, I just dont have time or neurons during the week to do much in forums.

I'm not sure which outcome I'd find less enviable. The person who fetishises the abuse, or the person who reacts as you have. Assuming the person who incorporates the abuse into their sex life does have a sense of proportion- such as someone who was into incest stories or incest role-play with another consenting adult that is not actually an incestuous relationship, I'd say... I'd prefer to be that person, than the one who finds only disgust in themselves because of it, such as you find yourself. To me, as messed up as my chosen theoretical option might be viewed, it's.. taking control of it. But you're not interested in sex. So... how to take control of it? That's the part I can't quite work out, since you're sort of asexual because of the abuse. How for you to own it? I'm not sure. Coming at it as someone with OCD, all I can say is keep reminding yourself it's NOT YOUR FAULT, and call BS on any thoughts to the contrary. As a person with OCD, I have to remember at times that I'm not my thoughts, they don't reflect my Id. I get all sorts of intrusive thoughts, mostly thoughts of harming others. and I've had to teach myself that it's a bunch of bull. Lest those thoughts get the better of me and I obsess over having them. Or sexual thoughts- pedophile obsessions are pretty common in OCD, and when an intrusive thought comes along that I would want to do something to a child, I call bullcrap on it lest I find myself obsessing over it and worrying I'm something I'm not. Not that you have OCD, but... unwanted thoughts are still unwanted thoughts. And if practicing a good deal of not caring about having the thoughts, because I'm not my thoughts, can help me, then maybe the same sort of strategy can help you. If I were approaching this from an OCD point of view, myself, I would remind myself every time I get tempted to feel self-disgust, that it just ain't on me, and I'm not a bad person no matter how much my brain screams it at me, and thinking I'm some shameful creature doesn't make me one. I'd be shameful, if I did what my dad did, and I'm not my dad, so, yeah no not going to be shameful, thank you very much but no, I think I'll pass on that. It's a matter of reprogramming, you see. You understand that sex feels good to a child, and well you're right about cunnilingus being darn intense and you're not a robot, sweetie- how else are you supposed to have responded, without an adult's sensibilities? Therefore, call BS on the feelings of shame and disgust, and keep calling BS on them no matter how you feel at the time about it. Thoughts of shame and disgust will have to pound sand, you're refusing to play with them. For my intrusive thoughts, I have to make myself not care about the thoughts. So again, in your shoes, I'd have to cop the 'tude that 'I'm the victim not the perp and I don't care if I'm disgusting because I'm not so there, end of story' And keep at it until it started to sink in. You have to out-stubborn these thoughts over time. Now, will that really help? I don't know, but it's the best thing I can think of, if I were you.