I really don’t have any logical explanation for what I’m about to type in this entry. But I’ve been loving every bit of my boyfriendish’s company. He’s been getting quite a bit more daring, you could say. He wraps his arm around me to draw me in close and I allow it. I allow it because I love feeling his body against mind. The other night, we were at my family park for the first time since we were dating. It was just the two of us and we stayed there until dark. We had a bonfire lit and while sitting together, he went and pulled me close and I just leaned into him. We stayed like that for a good 20 minutes or so before we both decided to call it a night. But I loved every moment of it.

He’s also taken to playing with my navel piercing again. It all started with him putting his hand on my waist at first. Then over time, he slowly started inching further and further around my waist, closer to my midsection every time. Until one night, his hand eventually found my piercing. Once he came in contact with it, he actually asked me “I’m not out of line, am I?” I smiled in part because I felt he would’ve known if he was since I would have spoken up. I answered “Of course not.” Him playing with my piercing has become a regular thing again. It’s such a weird quirk of his, but I guess I’m weird too because I still love that he does that.

This last one happened just tonight - just a couple hours from the time I’m posting this. Again, we were at my family park, just him and me. It’s finally been getting hot in our area again. I have thick hair, so my scalp tends to feel very hot during the Summer. So much, that I’ve gotten my hair cut short for the summertime because it gets so unbearable. When he and I were still together, though, I’d never cut my hair because he would always run his fingers through my hair, filtering cool air through my scalp and providing me with just the relief I needed. Tonight, while we were together, I asked him if he could do that again because my head started feeling so hot once more. He happily obliged me and it felt so good and relaxing… I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.

I know what’s probably the first thought upon reading all of this: I’m in love with him all over again. I would hope whoever may have been reading my blog entries would know by now that I might have my issues, but I never have any delusions about how I feel. I have given this plenty of thought too, and I can safely say that no, I am not in love with this man. But I do care for him. I care for him very much. If he died tomorrow, I would be devastated. Extreme, I know, but just putting things into perspective. I love him. I can comfortably say that much. But I’m not in love with him. I almost wish I could say that I am, for reasons I’ll elaborate on shortly, but I can’t say that truthfully.

Am I in love with him touching me? Yes, I am. Very much so. I love every bit of him putting his hands on me so much, if he wanted to make a move for an area like my breasts, I’m not so sure I would want to stop him. Do you find that confusing? If so, then you and I are in the same boat. If I really love him touching me, but have no romantic feelings for him, does this mean that I only feel lust for him? But lust, by definition, is feeling strong sexual desires, and I still don’t feel that at all. I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t get sexually aroused by him touching me, I just enjoy it because I feels pleasant. Then what in the hell even is this relationship we have? What the hell even is this feeling I have?

This is where what I said in my first sentence in this entry comes in: I have no good explanation for this. All I can say is that I enjoy his company a great deal and I love him touching me in the ways he does even more. I really wish I could say I’ve fallen in love with him and we’ve become romantically involved again, just because that would be much easier to explain and believe than this! But again, I can’t say that because it wouldn’t be the truth. Which just makes this as confusing as it is. As a logical person, I like to rationalize things and keep myself grounded as best as I can. But there are just some things I can’t explain and I’m practically embarrassed to say this is one of them.

On another note, I feel this man a.k.a. boyfriendish has a similar arrangement in mind as well. I’m not clairvoyant, of course, so I have no way of knowing this for sure, but I feel no romantic feelings are coming into the equation for him either. I believe he may just enjoy touching me for his own personal gratification, affectionately, sexually or otherwise, but it seems that’s all there is. He knows full well I’m not developing any feeling for him, nor is he for me, but he loves my body enough that he gets enough just from putting this hands over his favorite areas and that’s all there is to it. Again, I could be totally wrong and I guess I wouldn’t surprised if I do end up being completely wrong. This is just what I’m gathering.

If all of this actually does make perfect sense and I’m 100% correct in the vibes I just explained with my boyfriendish partner, then I guess my biggest issue is finding difficulty in believing everything is truly going so perfectly between us. I’m getting what it is I enjoy out of him, he’s getting what he enjoys out of me and it just is what it is with no strings attached. That’s a scenario that would play out in a perfect world. But this isn’t a perfect world, so even if this is actually happening, my disbelief can only be logical. Again, this is why I wish I could just say we’re falling in love with each other because that would be much simpler.

One thing that is perfectly logical though, is that life is complex and humans are even more complex. Perhaps I’m simply overthinking everything and should just go with the flow, as they say. If any drama or repercussions turn up, worry about it then and enjoy what I have in the meantime. Easier said than done, but at the same time, I can live with that. I’ve written quite a lot now, haven’t I? This is probably the longest entry I’ve made in quite a while. It could very well end up being my most ridiculous entry.

Hardly ridiculous.

Thank you. Now that I look back on this, I probably just overthought everything.

You clearly crave the trappings of romance, to me. Humans like touch; we need it, barring personality disorders, I think. We need to touch- house-pets lower stress and blood pressure, right? And the average person likes being touched (by the right person in the right circumstances, anyway), yes? You're getting that with no sexual strings attached. Are you overthinking it? Maybe a little (for me, overthinking is 'normal') but considering for most folks this mutual behavior comes with societal expectations of sex (at least, mass media seems to think folks have to have sex all the time), I think you're not being ridiculous to get thoughtful about it, any more than it's ridiculous to crave his physical displays of affection.

I haven't been 'in love' too many times, not the same as having loved, however. so I know where you're coming from with your feelings for him. You love him; you enjoy experiencing that in ways that don't involve overt sex acts. Would this be, for you, the equivalent of 'making love'? Looks like it, from the outside. Affection from a man, without being treated as a sex toy?

When you put it at that way, it all becomes more understandable. Guess I'm just craving pleasant touches people naturally enjoy. Like I've said, it could very well be linked to my trauma since you know I wasn't getting touched in such comforting ways when I was younger. Maybe this is that yearning surfacing.

And I suppose this could be equivalent of making love, if that's how you want to put it. In the sense that I'm getting a kind of fulfillment out of it and it's keeping me happy. Thank you for your insight. You really know how to make sense of things. I mean that!

Yeah well most of the time I accuse myself of talking out of my hiney, so thanks..

I would say, if I wanted to be all psychobabbly, that maybe the touches replace what you didn't have as a child from your dad. It's always been my impression that little girls crave their daddy's touch. Certainly, I was attached to my momma as a child. I think there is certain things needed from the opposite-sex parent, that you were denied. Heck even for boys, I remember the few times I would as a very young boy cuddle up with my dad, with great fondness. Before it became politically incorrect to say so (and if I said this in open forum I'd risk getting a new one torn), one theory of homosexuality in men is that as a child the father was absent or distant and so glomming onto other men sexually is I guess supposed to be some way of trying to substitute what was denied as a child. Certainly I don't recall a whole lot of early bonding with my dad, just a few things. Not that I'm equating what you're now enjoying, with that, but I hope you can see where I'm trying to go with that. That you were denied a normal interaction with what should have been your childhood hero and source of comfort and cuddles. Does that make sense?

I'll add that to bolster the need I think for a 'dad' to be physically (not sexually) intimate with, when I was a much younger man I had a very young cousin with an absent father (he was a piece of crap). And she absolutely doted on me, had to be in my lap, had to touch me, etc. That's something kids need. And.. no your dad took that all away from you by what he did. Well if I keep down this path I'm going to be all pissy so I'll stop.

I think that makes perfect sense, yes. Thank you again. I'm thinking that's exactly what's going on and I'm just finally getting what was denied all those years ago.

And I appreciate you caring. Thank you.