I’ve been in about three relationships in my life. One was a short-lived high school relationship when I was 16. The second started shortly after I moved out of the house at 20, which lasted a couple of years before that fell apart. The third lasted a good four years before we both parted amicably. I consider myself fairly attractive and have had number of suitors over the years, but I’ve seldom been interested in pursuing any relationship. Whenever I would be in a relationship, I would be fond of who I was with, but not enough to say I was really happy. Even now that I’m single going on three years, I still don’t have any interest in being in a relationship.

Sometimes, I think I’m asexual because most of the time, I just don’t feel any attraction towards anyone. All of my relationships have been with men and I’ve only ever felt any attraction towards men, so obviously I’m not asexual if there’s that. But again, rarely has there ever been someone who I wanted to be with in any way. I don’t even see myself ever getting married because 1) I don’t really believe in marriage and 2) I don’t think there will ever be anyone I want to have a serious long-term commitment with.

This is likely a direct after effect of my dad molesting me for so many years. But I’ve read varying accounts of fellow survivors who feel they have had their sexuality influenced from being abused growing up and others whose sexuality hasn’t been affected whatsoever as far as they can tell. It seems to be a slippery slope on whether or not sexual abuse can even impact one’s sexuality. It’s hard to imagine if I would still be this way even if I did grow up normally since it seems so abnormal to have little to no interest in romance or sex.

Even if I do end up finding a man I can spend the rest of my life with, there then comes the issue over whether or not I would tell him about how my dad molested me for 20 years. If I do, just how much do I tell him? Do I be vague and just say was molested or do I go into graphic detail on everything he would do to me? Do I even tell him at all or decide he’s just better off not knowing? I’m sure I probably won’t have to worry about this for some time yet since, again, I’m single and not looking to mingle. But it’s just something that came to mind. Another problem to look forward to as a result of my dad molesting me

Perhaps it’s a sign that my problems in the long run are only beginning.

It's very hard to know how we've been affected, as far as I can tell. Would I have been bisexual, without my pederast? I think so! But I can't know that with certainty. I can know, that whatever I would have been, it would have developed more naturally, without him.

If you ever find a man to be with long term, I suppose it'll come down to what sort of man he is, if you decide to tell him, or not. Don't you?

I'll add, speaking as a fellow, that I'd appreciate knowing the specific thing (performed oral sex on you) without knowing further details, were I that man.

I’ve read some stories from survivors who felt the same with their sexuality. A woman who was molested by another woman ended being a lesbian and it really messed her up because she wasn’t sure if she would be if she hadn’t been molested. Then I’ve read some stories where the survivor’s sexuality was completely unaffected by their abuse and they never questioned it for a moment. Either abuse has no affect on sexuality or it affects everybody differently. Regardless, I’m sure everyone would agree with you in that they would discovered it more naturally if they hadn’t been abused.

[quote="Snaga"]If you ever find a man to be with long term, I suppose it'll come down to what sort of man he is, if you decide to tell him, or not. Don't you?[/quote]
I do. I would only hope that I chose carefully enough that he’s a man I could open up to about that without repercussions. I suppose it would be good for his information to know I was molested receiving oral sex so he would know to be careful doing it with me. I haven’t been triggered yet receiving it again, but it could still happen.