I’ve been thinking about what I talked about with my therapist during my last therapy session; how my molestation by my dad was always one-sided in the beginning with his only doing stuff to me and never once having me do anything to him that I can recall. Like I said before, he never even appeared to get sexually aroused when he would give me oral from ages 8 to 13. He was always very calm and collected and didn’t start getting all horny with me until I was 14.

In the beginning, he seemed concerned for my well-being too. Sometimes, he’d stop in the middle of going down on me to ask if I was hurting. He’d occasionally ask me how I was feeling during because he liked hearing me say it felt good, but a few times, he asked specifically if I was in any pain. Another time when I was 8 and it had been going on for a couple months, he had just finished giving me two orgasms in a row for the first time and said if it ever feels too sensitive to let him know because he doesn’t want to make it uncomfortable for me.

He would sometimes tell me he just wants to make me feel good because he loved me and that was the way the best way he could show it. Maybe his motives at first really were about giving me pleasure and he truly believed in all that crap he said. Not that it matters and not that I’m having any positive thoughts about that in the slightest. It just makes me think of how much of a depraved individual my dad was to think giving oral sex to your daughter was some ultimate display of affection. If he really wanted to prove he loved me, he could have been a normal dad and not scar me for life.

Only you and he were there; only you can make a best guess, but I find it hard to accept someone would do something sexual to a child and it be altruistic or fatherly love. He did it in secret; therefore he understood this was not 'normal' father-daughter behavior. Yet he was driven to do it, anyway.

His excuse for doing it in secret was because it was a private thing that’s nobody’s business but ours. I believe he could have very well believed all that nonsense he would say, but who knows? I know it doesn’t matter, but it had me thinking anyway. His motives aren’t something I ponder all the time, it was just because of my last therapy session. We’ll see what I’m left pondering after the next therapy session later today.