I've noticed I've said on more than one occasion here that I would be getting a whole wave of memories coming back to me that I was going to vent about, only for me to not really do so. But not from a lack of trying. I'll be sitting down making an entry about one particular memory that bothers me only for another one to override that one and then another. My mind goes all over the place, that I just end up not writing even if I really want to. But this time, I'm going try something new: writing about just whatever comes to mind even if it's all over the place. Also, no matter how graphic it may be, so as always, heed the trigger warning.

Sometimes when I'm at my mom's, I get triggered just from certain areas of the house. It's the house I grew up in and where my molestation took place most of the time. There are are probably only one or two rooms in that house where my dad didn't molest me. I'll get certain flashbacks thinking "Oh, that time happened right there. That time over here..." It mostly happened in just a couple of rooms in the house, but there have been instances where it would happen elsewhere. It just reminds me of how often it did happen and gets to me. It makes me not like being there when I should, like anyone would with the house they spent their upbringing in...

There was one particular memory that was pissing me off the last time I was at my mom's just last weekend for Mothers Day. I was sitting on the loveseat which has the couch situated right next to it and got a flashback of a time I was 9 with my dad sitting on the couch while I'm standing in front of him as goes down on me. I could just see my 9 year-old self with my arms draped to my side, head tilted back and eyes shut. I remember that time in particular and it pisses me off because my dad said something like "Someone's feeling good," and after he said it, my 9 year-old self actually smiled at that because I was not only feeling good, but feeling happy. I lost my composure and became very angry with myself. Luckily my mom was busy with something else and didn't have to see me cupping my face.

Maybe that was the catalyst for all the memories starting to resurface, because they've all been instances when I was 8-12, the years I was happily compliant with being molested. Though for some reason, a lot of memories of when I was 11 have been popping up. Another thing that's been irking me is just the degree of normalcy that it had become by the time I was 11. I remember one time, my dad had just finished eating me out and once I had settled down from my orgasm, he asked me if I was ready for dinner. I answered yes, so he went to the kitchen, started on cooking and I just pulled my pants up and watched TV. After molesting his daughter, he just goes and cooks dinner while I pass the time with cartoons or whatever I was watching. That was just the norm.

Another memory that sickens me is what I think was my dad enacting his fantasy of him molesting me making him a good father. One Friday, my mom was out of town for the night, so my dad had me all to himself. We were on the bed in my parents bedroom when once again, he had just finished giving me oral. I remember it was my first week of having started middle school, so he laid with me for a while after he finished and started asking me how my week had been. He gave me a little heart-to-heart, I guess, on middle school being tough but to not let it get me down or whatever he was saying. Then after, he asked if I was ready for another and proceeded to go down on me again. He alternated between being a disgusting deviant, then acting like a good father before doing it again.

I am getting better with not solely blaming myself for having enjoyed it, though I may never let myself hear the end of it for it. At least now I'm not only hating myself for it and am evenly disturbing the anger toward my late dad. Silly as it may sound. Some would say I shouldn't harbor any anger whatsoever. We'll just see about that. Anyway, that's all I feel like writing for now. I'll probably do another one of these in the near future. If I determine that it actually helps me.