We ended up talking about my ex in the last session. I almost wanted to laugh when I first brought it up since it’s a far cry from my trauma of being molested, but like my therapist said, I’m there to talk whatever issues are on my mind. My only issue on my current relationship with my ex being that I really enjoy his company. More than that - I enjoy his touch, even. I’ve been letting him get away with some touches I wouldn’t let anyone else, least of all a man. Nothing overtly suggestive or flirty. Things like hugging me, putting a hand on my shoulder, stuff that’s purely platonic… But he could probably start doing some blatantly flirtatious touching and I wouldn’t mind in the least!

Despite how all of this may sound, me enjoying his presence so much that I actually like him putting his hands on me, I maintain that there is still no romantic or sexual appeal to it at all. I just enjoy physical affection from him. And that’s where my issue lies. Naturally, I’m concerned about sending him mixed signals and don’t want him to think I want to enter a romantic relationship with him again. Which, of course, can be very confusing if I start letting him get away with touching me in a flirtatious manner. Plus, while I may not be attracted to him any longer, I know he still finds me attractive, so him pressing his luck to make romantic advances could very well be inevitable.

I ended up joking with my therapist that if only he was gay so I wouldn’t have to worry about this, and I never joke. My therapist noted that she’s never seen me like this before and that I really seem like I’m happy in my relationship with him. She also didn’t find my situation bizarre at all. She said she’s known people who developed deep romantic attractions toward someone but had virtually no interest in any of the physical stuff, not so much as a kiss. That helped me feel a little better. But she shared my concerns with sending my ex mixed signals and advised me that I should talk to him about this soon and make it perfectly clear to him, even if it may be confusing for him because, simply put: he’s a male. My therapist pretty much hinted at this herself.

That may be a bit of an awkward discussion to have with him, telling him I enjoy him touching me but to not get any funny ideas because I still only want to be friends. It needs to be done, though. I do think he’s a bright enough gentleman that he’ll understand in the end. Guess we’ll see if he really is soon enough.

I was thinking 'shame he's not Gay' before I even got to that part of the post.

Well you and therapist are right on being concerned about mixed signals. He's a guy, after all. Although as I've pointed out, I've been in the position of being close with a girl that wasn't interested romantically. And I was smart enough not to push it, because I liked her regardless. Still do.

I believe this guy could be a lot like you in that sense. He may want more but will be smart enough not to push it. Though in this case, it may be a bit more complicated because I'm admittedly willing to let him get away with pushing his luck as far as touches go. It will be interesting to see how it goes when I eventually talk to him about this. And you can bet I'll be posting about it here.