The topic of my dad molesting me never came up outside of when he would do it. It was always either directly before, during or directly after. We never talked about it any other time that I can recall. My dad would get pretty vocal and talk to me a lot when he was molesting me daily when I was 15. So much, that you’d think he would have been awful chatty with me about it. Yet, it was just somethIng we wouldn’t talk about when it wasn’t taking place. It’s almost as if we both just silently agreed to forget about it, much like how it was during the years after the molestation had ended. It makes me wonder how common this is. Of course, an abuser doesn’t want to openly discuss what they’re doing around others for obvious reasons, but I wonder if it’s something the victim silently agrees to as well when they can’t bring themselves to tell anyone what happened. Do all molesters and their victims just not talk about it outside of when it occurs?

Well, silence is an abuser's friend. I think it's probably common. I don't really know about on the abuser side of it but I'd imagine there's a little 'if we don't talk about it I didn't do it' going on there. As if him talking about it might break the spell of you not talking about it to others?

As for myself, my little bit of grooming I told my mom- and only because my pederast got greedy- he tried grooming me with some dirty magazines while I had a friend with me and that... you guessed it- broke the spell. Like the trope of a snake charming a bird, but the bird blinks and comes back to its senses just in time. After that no I might have barely mentioned it to my partner. Only place I've talked about it is here, and then only in the process of helping other people, really. I don't know if I ever opened a forum thread with it. I might have blogged here about it- Probably when I used to beat myself up over my sexuality, if I ever did mention it. meh.

I've noticed that abusers luring their victims with pornographic material seems to be common too. From what I've read from other survivors, it's part of the reason why they never tell - because they know they were looking at stuff they weren't supposed to and there's this fear that they'll get in trouble too. I don't know if that was true for you too, but I can relate to that as part of the reason I stayed silent. I wasn't ever shown any pornography, but I knew I was doing something I wasn't supposed to, so the fear of me getting in trouble too was present.

Well ironically that was (as far as I remember) the first time he'd shown porn. I don't know why I didn't talk- maybe I..... started to fall in the trap of 'I wanted it'. Ha. I know I tell folks to discount that 'cause they're kids. but. I was an adolescent boy and I already had bisexual tendencies so... I don't know. Meh. When there was a witness to it, I talked. And then stopped talking about it.

For whatever it’s worth, I still don’t judge you nor anyone who was molested be they children or teens when it happened and don’t think anyone should. Even if I do still come up with reasons to blame myself.

Well I don't judge children for what they do or how they respond, unless they're doing it maliciously or they're my own arbitrary idea of 'old enough to know better'.

In some thread in SA.. well it's about masturbating while thinking of one's abuse- I had opined that if I could have my current old 'me' transported back into my adolescent self, I can't say I'm sure if I would have reacted other than as I did at the time. Rebuffed him forcefully? Told someone right away? Or run with it and try to have rather more than some 'bad touches'. I never updated that in thread, but upon reflection, oh hell no I'd try to get him inside my pants. I've spent too long going between loathing and desire in my memories of the nascent grooming going on. So it's had all these decades to simmer. I understand what I ought to do, if given a second run of the late 1970s, is kick him in the nuts. But that's Red Forman talking. Wait, I'm going somewhere relevant with this. While old me would understand someone needs a foot up their ass, these thoughts and memories, self-loathing mixed with strong desires and years upon years of fantasizing about it, would be shoved back into the still-developing brain of a 12 or 13 year old boy- a brain that's not going to be fully developed until something like approaching the mid-twenties for the male of the species.

You think that adolescent boy is going to make a wise decision? Oh, heck no. Given the ways I was already 'entertaining' myself at that age, no I wouldn't make the right decision my brain ain't yet set up for it. Heck I don't make good decisions now and I qualify for AARP membership. No way in bloody hell that hormone-ridden kid is going to make the right decision.

Which all goes to remind us that we can't judge ourselves by how we reacted, or might react, as children. We're simply not yet set up for behaving other than however we behaved.

Sorry for just now seeing this. I see your point, that’s some pretty good insight. I feel like I’ve been getting better with the shame for now, but if it rears it’s ugly head in again - and I’m sure it will - I’ll try to keep all of what you said here in mind. Thank you!