Talking with my therapist yesterday about the sex life I had when I was still in a relationship with my ex has helped me realize something: I not only am not a sexual person in any way, I flat out don't like sex. While speaking to my therapist, I recounted that I've never been passionate or really into sex even when I would experience an orgasm. I was just never that invested in it. Like I mentioned before, I would never initiate sex with my ex, it was always him. I wouldn't just lay there, I would actively partake in it. Looking back on it, however, I realize I was more motivated to get him off on it rather than myself. Suffice it to say, that's not healthy in the least bit and is part of what led to our relationship falling apart.

Another thing I've mentioned before, and what I've added a trigger warning to this for, is that the reason for my lack of any sexual urges is undoubtedly related to my molestation. As always, I hate to say it, but I did experience a sex drive before from ages 8-13 from my dad performing oral sex on me hundreds of times. My dad would play it off like he was giving something special to me by making me experience sexual pleasure. What he was actually doing was taking something away from me by not letting me experience sex naturally, so much that I can't even experience it again. My lack of sexual feelings may not bother me much, but I'm able to recognize it as one of the many things my dad stole from me.

There's very likely more to it than that from psychological standpoint and something my therapist hinted at, but we didn't have enough time to discuss it during our last session: a mental block on sex. I probably do have some self-conscious reserves about being into sex as another longstanding impact left from my trauma of being molested all those years. I'm sure I'll be going over it with my therapist next time, but these are current revelations, if you will, I've been having lately. So much for thinking me renewing my friendship with my ex has been a great distraction from focusing on my trauma. It's just unearthing more issues. Not that I'm blaming, of course. I'm the one pursuing a platonic relationship with him, after all.