Whenever my dad wasn’t molesting me, he was a fairly decent dad. All the more reason why no one ever suspected a thing, as far as I know. If you saw how normal he was with me, you’d never guess what he was doing to me once, sometimes more times every week, which later became every day. But he made it so you couldn’t see what he was doing. He was pretty careful about molesting me during the first several years he would do it. Always did it when there was no chance anyone could see it. Save for the times he would molest me in the middle of the night when my mom would just be on the other end of the house. He didn’t start getting reckless until I was 15 when it became an everyday occurrence, yet even then he never got caught. During that time, he was still completely normal on the surface. Though he did start looking at me differently. If he wasn’t physically attracted to me before, he clearly was when I was a teenager. I have to wonder if anyone ever caught on and at the very least thought it was weird.

How normal and good of a father figure he was outside of molesting me created some conflicting feelings. It was normal for me from ages 8-12, but after I wizened up at 13 and realized I was being molested, I still questioned if my dad was really a bad person. In my mind, he normal he was as a father figure showed he could be a good person and I wanted to believe he actually was. Even though I never had an answer for the question it would raise of “If he’s really so good then why is he molesting his own daughter?” At least that dumb way of thinking was more preferential than how I was thinking before it. Anyway, this belief that my dad was a normal person on the inside probably led to me suppressing my trauma for years after the fact up until he died. Like I explained in a previous post, even after the molestation ended, my dad and I had a normal relationship whenever we’d converse with each other.

I know I’m not alone in how I felt conflicted and I know my dad isn’t the only clever child molester out there who can cover their tracks well enough that no one suspects a thing. It’s honestly scary to think about how a father can go 20 years with molesting his daughter on a fairly frequent basis and live a full life having gotten away with it. Really makes you wonder how many more are really out there. Is it really not normal?

It is really not normal.

Sorry. I was speaking through anger rather than logic with that last part.