After discussing it with my therapist, I think we both now have a good idea of how my dad’s mind worked all those years he had molested me. First, when my dad molested me, it was almost exclusively through giving me oral sex. He never once made me do it to him or had me touch him in any way. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes, I can’t help but wonder why? What did he get out of only performing sexual acts on me without getting himself off? Most of the time, anyway. I'll get to that later.

I believe from the years between 8 and 13, he did it solely to make me feel good. I have no memory of him ever appearing to be sexually aroused when he would give me oral sex. He was always very calm and collected about it. He would sometimes tell me that this was his way of showing me how much he loved me and just wanted me to feel good. I’m inclined to believe that he actually believed molesting me that way was some form of affection. I’ve done some homework on this subject. I’ve read up on sources of other child molesters who believed their actions were just them showing love to their victims. One man in particular who molested his children detested the idea that he had raped or even had sex with his children because to him, it was “making love”. My therapist told me herself that this mentality isn’t too uncommon among child molesters. That’s why I believe it really was my dad's twisted way of showing "innocent" affection to me. At least until I turned 14.

At 14 was when I noticed my dad looking at me differently - once my body began maturing. I would catch him eyeing up my breasts, my legs and other parts of my body. This was when my dad started becoming sexually attracted to me. It could have been sooner than that, but 14 was when I started noticing it. After I turned 15, my dad started molesting me every day and this time was different from all the times he would before. He was no longer calm and collected, but very visibly aroused. He began doing things he never did before. He would masturbate himself, kiss and lick my neck, breasts and other areas of my body and would also dry hump me on several occasions. Every so often, he would have me stand in front of him wearing nothing but my underwear while he sat and kissed my body while masturbating himself.

I believe by that point, it was no longer about him showing affection by getting me off, but about getting himself off too. Even though he would still give me oral sex without masturbating himself much of the time. Perhaps him going down on me was usually enough sexual gratification for himself? But I think he could only achieve that too if I was compliant with him. I say this because the moment I freaked out once he tried having intercourse with me, it suddenly stopped and did so for a long time. Once he learned it was no longer consensual, it seemed it no longer appealed to him. He appeared to even feel guilty!

I’m sure he had to have suspected I wasn’t a willing participant any longer before that point. As I talked about in a previous entry, I would sometimes give him hints that I didn’t want him to do what he was doing. In that entry, I talked about how he would always have some counter for the things I would say that should have suggested I wanted him to stop and because I wouldn't ever say "no" (because I was too afraid to), in his mind, that told him that I was still willing, so he wouldn't stop.
Once he started doing it again when I was 17, he only did it a few times - each months apart from each other. I elaborated on this time in a previous entry as well, but these times, he appeared nervous and wasn't doing it confidently as he had before. Once he finished after those times, he appeared to look for some verbal approval that I was still enjoying it, but when he wouldn't get any from me, he would look disappointed. Again, maybe even guilty.

Then after he did it the one time when I was 18, him telling me that that was going to be the last time he would do that to me I think was some acknowledgment that he knew I wasn't enjoying it. He even asked me if I was okay after he was finished - something he wouldn't really ask me before - before saying he wouldn't do it any longer. Even though he did do it one more time a couple years later, it appeared he really meant for that to be the last. I'll never know exactly why, but that's one theory, if you will.

One more thing to note about the actual last time, however, was how he didn't say a word to me that time. He didn't even bother waking me before, he just went to it and I woke up in the middle of it. After he was done, he just got up and left without so much as making eye contact with me. Maybe by that point, he knew I wasn't enjoying it and him avoiding speaking to me or making eye contact was a way of shielding himself from the fact that I didn't?

That's my analysis of how my dad's mindset toward molesting me was. In the beginning, it was about him giving me sexual pleasure as per his sick sense of showing how he loves me. Whether there was any sexual attraction before can be disputed, but there undoubtely was by the time I was 14. After that, it was about giving himself sexual pleasure, but it could work for him if he "knew" I still wanted it too.

My theory on my dad's psychology is this: he deluded himself into thinking he wasn't some  incestuous pervert who molested his own daughter. Rather, he believed was a loving father who had his own way of showing affection, but he could only maintain this fantasy so long as it was a consensual act between us. Once it became apparent that it wasn't, the illusion was gone and the reality of what a sick individual he is caused him to feel guilt over what he'd done. At the very least, it didn't make it fun for him any longer. Him doing it again several times after was him trying to bring back this fantasy of his, but to no avail.

Like I've said before, not that any of this is important. Of course not. But it’s just something to think about. Plus, it helps me understand everything that happened to me better. I'll never have the full answers, but I think I've finally found a good idea of how my dad's mentality worked.