I really don’t have any logical explanation for what I’m about to type in this entry. But I’ve been loving every bit of my boyfriendish’s company. He’s been getting quite a bit more daring, you could say. He wraps his arm around me to draw me in close and I allow it. I allow it because I love feeling his body against mind. The other night, we were at my family park for the first time since we were dating. It was just the two of us and we stayed there until dark. We had a bonfire lit and while sitting together, he went and pulled me close and I just leaned into him. We stayed like that for a good 20 minutes or so before we both decided to call it a night. But I loved every moment of it.

He’s also taken to playing with my navel piercing again. It all started with him putting his hand on my waist at first. Then over time, he slowly started inching further and further around my waist, closer to my midsection every time. Until one night, his hand eventually found my piercing. Once he came in contact with it, he actually asked me “I’m not out of line, am I?” I smiled in part because I felt he would’ve known if he was since I would have spoken up. I answered “Of course not.” Him playing with my piercing has become a regular thing again. It’s such a weird quirk of his, but I guess I’m weird too because I still love that he does that.

This last one happened just tonight - just a couple hours from the time I’m posting this. Again, we were at my family park, just him and me. It’s finally been getting hot in our area again. I have thick hair, so my scalp tends to feel very hot during the Summer. So much, that I’ve gotten my hair cut short for the summertime because it gets so unbearable. When he and I were still together, though, I’d never cut my hair because he would always run his fingers through my hair, filtering cool air through my scalp and providing me with just the relief I needed. Tonight, while we were together, I asked him if he could do that again because my head started feeling so hot once more. He happily obliged me and it felt so good and relaxing… I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.

I know what’s probably the first thought upon reading all of this: I’m in love with him all over again. I would hope whoever may have been reading my blog entries would know by now that I might have my issues, but I never have any delusions about how I feel. I have given this plenty of thought too, and I can safely say that no, I am not in love with this man. But I do care for him. I care for him very much. If he died tomorrow, I would be devastated. Extreme, I know, but just putting things into perspective. I love him. I can comfortably say that much. But I’m not in love with him. I almost wish I could say that I am, for reasons I’ll elaborate on shortly, but I can’t say that truthfully.

Am I in love with him touching me? Yes, I am. Very much so. I love every bit of him putting his hands on me so much, if he wanted to make a move for an area like my breasts, I’m not so sure I would want to stop him. Do you find that confusing? If so, then you and I are in the same boat. If I really love him touching me, but have no romantic feelings for him, does this mean that I only feel lust for him? But lust, by definition, is feeling strong sexual desires, and I still don’t feel that at all. I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t get sexually aroused by him touching me, I just enjoy it because I feels pleasant. Then what in the hell even is this relationship we have? What the hell even is this feeling I have?

This is where what I said in my first sentence in this entry comes in: I have no good explanation for this. All I can say is that I enjoy his company a great deal and I love him touching me in the ways he does even more. I really wish I could say I’ve fallen in love with him and we’ve become romantically involved again, just because that would be much easier to explain and believe than this! But again, I can’t say that because it wou...

[ Continued ]

I got a call from my local clinic today telling me my therapist has finally come back and that I could schedule my weekly sessions again if I wanted to. I've decided to nix the therapy for now because I've been doing great lately. My trauma still comes to mind every now and then, but it hasn't been getting to me that badly. I owe it to the positive place I've been in for the past month now, largely in part to my current relationship with my boyfriendish partner. Things have been going so well, I don't think I really need therapy right now. I'm not going to say "anymore", because that can always change very quickly. If it does, I can always go back to counseling. Until then, I'm going to take it easy and enjoy this good place I'm in while it sticks around.

My family owns a some property next to a creek that functions as a family park. It’s where we host our annual family reunion every year and where we all like to spend time on weekends or whenever we’re able to. When I was still dating my ex, who I’m now going to call my boyfriendish partner (credit to someone here for coining that term), he and I would spend a lot of time there while were together. Now that we’re practically dating platonically, the subject has recently come up if I would be bringing him around my family park again.

I would love to do so. I still enjoy his company very much and having him there with me would make me very happy. My family have always liked him too, I’m sure plenty of them will be happy to see him again. They might turn their heads at us not being together romantically, but I’m not concerned about that. We’re all very liberal and open-minded, no one judges anything lightly. At worst, they might joke about us, but nothing mean-spirited. He’s a bit concerned about what they think, but I think he’s forgotten what my family is like. He has nothing to worry about.

That’s one thing for this Summer out of the way, but there’s something else… This will be the first Summer at my family park since my dad had died. Since his passing, I’ve had all these memories resurfacing of when he would molest me and as I have talked about in previous entries, there were times where he would do so out in the open and many of those times took place at my family park. I may find myself getting triggered by flashbacks of when he would molest me there. I suppose that’s just something I’ll have to prepare myself for and be ready to deal with should it happen. It could very well be inevitable that it does.

No matter what though, I don’t intend to let anything ruin the time spent at my family park this summer. That goes double for the time I’m cherishing with my boyfriendish man. I’ve made it this far and even if my past trauma gets to me, I’m confident I can manage. I have plenty of positive memories with my partner there too. Maybe I’ll focus on those instead, as I’m creating new memories with him.

I told my ex the news of my upcoming tattoo appointment, which he was excited to hear. It got bittersweet when I told him what I was getting and why (he still doesn’t know the full extent of my abuse), but we ended up lightening the mood after we got talking about body art. We discussed my two present tattoos as well as the few he has, along with the two new ones he has gotten since we separated. Unsurprisingly, he took the opportunity while we were on the subject of body art to talk about my belly button piercing - which has always been one of his favorite traits of mine. There’s also an interesting story on how he talked me into getting it done again after I had taken it out and I foolishly re-pierced it myself.

But anyway, he started asking me a whole bunch of questions on it like he sometimes would when we were together romantically. Asking me to remind him how old I was when I first got it, how much jewelry I wear for it, etc. It was the most I talked about it since we separated (the only time, really), but as odd as his fixation on it may be, I really don’t mind. I actually missed this quirk of his. One question he got hung up on was how often I show it off. I don’t. I never wear revealing clothing in public, except for occasions when I’m wearing a bikini to go swimming. He encouraged me to show off my body more to display my so-called abs. Amusing, because, while I am thin, I don’t work out so I don’t have any abs whatsoever. He was just being flatterer.

I honestly thought he was only telling me this as a subtle way of asking to see my belly button ring more. I even told him if he ever wanted to see it, he need only ask. But then he surprised me by saying it’s not about him getting to see it, but me feeling confident in myself. He started going on about body positivity, self-expression and feeling empowered by displaying my body. I’ve never been big on dressing in provocative clothing, but when I would when I was younger, I must admit it did help me feel good about myself. My ex was encouraging me to do so again, just to see if it still boosts my confidence. I’m not sure I will, to be honest, but it is a nice thought that again, I was surprised he was actually serious about.

I’m glad we had this odd but endearing conversation. I can’t help but be amused by the fact that he’s still obviously attracted to me but can also be a compassionate friend not letting any untoward thoughts of his get in the way of that. It’s part of the reason why I enjoy his company so much.

A couple months ago, I made an entry about considering getting a sexual assault survivor tattoo. I’ve made a few attempts to schedule an appointment to get it done, with not much luck. But finally, a local tattoo artist who I had asked a month ago, but had told me to ask him again in a month to see if his schedule was more clear, said he could pencil me in for an appointment next month. That’s been exciting news! For the design, I decided on a broken wing on my upper left back. I felt that symbolizes the damage caused by my past trauma well. When I eventually overcome my trauma, I will get a fully healed wing right next to it. I may even get around to sharing a picture of it here if I can. Though I may not be comfortable with it once it comes down to it since it would be me displaying my bare back. We’ll just see.