With the one year anniversary of my dad’s death coming up (which I know now was on the 22nd of September), I’ve been thinking about how my other relatives will handle it. I think pretty much everyone knows now that he was abusive to me growing up. But, no one but my mother and I know the extent of it. They don’t know that he actually molested me for 20 years and I don’t know if they should. Not to spare my dad’s reputation. That he was abusive should be enough for everyone to understand he was a terrible person, regardless of how he was abusive. Withholding the whole information is more for my family, so they don’t need to know how heinous his actions were. Also for me… I hate the thought of knowing that my family knows what was done to me. Having my mom learn what happened and not looking at me the same way anymore was enough. I know a lot of my relatives wouldn’t take it very well either. I don’t think he was ever the most popular member of the family, but there were those who got along with him well. I feel they’d be disgusted with themselves for being amicable with an incestuous pedophile. Not that they could have ever known, but if my mom lives with that guilt anyway, I’m sure they would too. Sometimes I have my reserves over them not knowing everything and wish they could. It’s complicated, as usual. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably better that they don’t. As I’ve said, they know he was abusive - not a good person. That’s probably enough.

I’ve been procrastinating writing this entry, but I may as well do it. It’s getting closer to the day my dad died last year. I don’t even remember what day it was, just that he died in September. I still feel nothing for him. I’m not glad he’s dead, nor am I sad in the least bit. Still, I just don’t feel anything. But I’m sure now that I’ve addressed it, I’m going to be feeling quite a few things. Perhaps an influx of more memories of him molesting me. Maybe just more random memories I have of him. I’m not sure… But I intend to be more active this month in my blog entries. I’ve had a good break from talking about my trauma as much as I used to. All summer, pretty much. I feel it’s time I quit distracting myself and start addressing my issues once more. It’s been a great distraction, all the time I’ve been spending with boyfriendish, but I probably shouldn’t be relying on him long-term.

Looking back, the 30th year of my life has sure been an eventful one and an age I know I'm going to be looking back on for the rest of my life. My dad and longtime molester had died, I finally faced all the trauma he put me through and my mom now knows everything that was happening behind her back all those years. That's been both good and bad for me. But if there's one major good thing that's happened with me this past year, it's me reconnecting with an old partner and starting a close but non-romantic relationship with him. One you could say "it's complicated" about, but it's one that's done more good for me than I ever imagined it could.

Today, I turn 31 and while I've spent the last year going through a lot of rough tracks that have been difficult to get through, it's also smoothed out a great deal for the last portion of it leading up to today. No one can know what the future holds, of course, but for now, I'm optimistic and hoping this happy place I'm currently in can last. Still plenty of work to do regarding my trauma, but I feel I've overcome the worst of it and am confident the things that are yet to come (and I know they will come) I'll be able to deal with more easily.

I don’t show much emotion at all. Never really have. I do feel plenty of emotions though. Whether it’s anger or sadness, humor or excitement… I feel all of these things, but I don’t always show it. I don’t feel like I try to avoid expressing how I feel or anything. I can’t explain it, I just don’t. I’m just a very deadpan individual. I think I mentioned before that one of my friends jokingly referred to me as a Vulcan from Star Trek because I’m always logical and never show any emotion. I feel I’m not always fun to be around because of that.

I’ll be watching a funny movie or show with someone and even if I may find it funny, it rarely gets much out of me other than a smirk or a chuckle. More recently, I’ve been watching some thriller/drama show with boyfriendish which I quite enjoy, but he wonders if I ever enjoy it since, in his words, I just sit there and watch without reacting to anything. I wish I wasn’t like that. It makes me feel like I’m not much fun to be around. I feel like I’m abnormal and lack basic human behavior.

I know it can’t be helped, short of me forcing it - faking more lively reactions. But I’ll be damned before I do that.

I’ve noticed some interesting things with boyfriendish. Certain places he’ll avoid touching me or will only do so for a short time. Every now and then he’ll rub my bare legs whenever we’re laying together and I’m wearing shorts, but I’ve noticed he’ll only do so for a short time before stopping. The last time he did it, I told him he could keep touching my legs if he wanted, that I don’t mind. He just said he knew. He’s stopped playing with my hair now. At least on his own initiative, but will still do so when I ask him to (which isn’t often). I just find it curious how he’s stopped doing it on his own. He avoids touching my shoulders altogether. When we were still together romantically, my shoulders were the biggest thing that turned him on. Him rubbing and kissing them led to him initiating sex on more than one occasion. I wouldn’t have sex with him now, but I believe he avoids that because he knows it will get him aroused, which he’s been good about avoiding, as far as I can tell.

That’s probably why he’s avoided “too much” contact with my legs and hair as well. I don’t always understand it though because, like I’ve said before, he’s still obviously very attracted to me and we still get intimately close. We’ll cuddle, lay together and he’ll still touch my back and stomach area, often bare for the latter. You’d think that would be enough to make him aroused. I guess those other areas I mentioned do it more than the others somehow? I don’t know. I would ask him about it, but I fear he might become insecure. He’s still a great man, so maybe I shouldn’t even be questioning this and be happy I have someone like him who’s willing to go 90 yards but never the full hundred. In a manner of speaking.