This is going to be my last therapy session for a while. My therapist will have to go out of state for probably a month or so. She was going to forward me to another therapist, but I really don't want to do that. I just don't want to have to re-adjust to a whole new therapist and then go right back to her whenever she comes back. It'll be better to just wait until we can have our weekly sessions again. Whenever that will be... But I'm willing to wait and think I can manage. If things start getting to me more than I can handle, I'll just schedule for another therapist. We'll see how I do.

I should really come up with a better way of referring to him rather than just calling him my ex. At this point, we’re exes only in the sense of no longer being romantically involved, but we’re back to being close friends. We’ve been spending time together again and while we were chatting, he opened up to me about a mental health problem he’s been having. I won’t go into detail on what it is, but it’s something one wouldn’t normally talk about openly. As sad as it was to hear he’s struggling with his own issues, I appreciate him trusting me with telling me. It goes to show how good of friends we’ve become again, if me enjoying his physical affection wasn’t indicative of that already.

I’m thinking of opening up to him about my experiences being molested by my dad, something he doesn’t know about at all since we never spoke about it, not even when we were together. I wouldn’t just be doing it because he opened up to me about something personal (with this being even more personal on so many levels.) I’m very comfortable around him, obviously. I trust him enough to open up to him about something like this. Though, I’m uncertain on whether or not I should. I know it would be a lot for him to take in but also, it’s getting him involved in something deeply personal and ongoing.

But I haven’t talked about it much with anyone else I know personally except my mom. I did tell a few friends, but I watered it down, so to speak. I told them my dad was abusive without going into further detail. If I do tell my ex about it, it wouldn’t be anytime soon. It’s more of an idea than any serious consideration, I suppose. Maybe I’ll wait a little longer to see if what we have going even lasts.

Talking with my therapist yesterday about the sex life I had when I was still in a relationship with my ex has helped me realize something: I not only am not a sexual person in any way, I flat out don't like sex. While speaking to my therapist, I recounted that I've never been passionate or really into sex even when I would experience an orgasm. I was just never that invested in it. Like I mentioned before, I would never initiate sex with my ex, it was always him. I wouldn't just lay there, I would actively partake in it. Looking back on it, however, I realize I was more motivated to get him off on it rather than myself. Suffice it to say, that's not healthy in the least bit and is part of what led to our relationship falling apart.

Another thing I've mentioned before, and what I've added a trigger warning to this for, is that the reason for my lack of any sexual urges is undoubtedly related to my molestation. As always, I hate to say it, but I did experience a sex drive before from ages 8-13 from my dad performing oral sex on me hundreds of times. My dad would play it off like he was giving something special to me by making me experience sexual pleasure. What he was actually doing was taking something away from me by not letting me experience sex naturally, so much that I can't even experience it again. My lack of sexual feelings may not bother me much, but I'm able to recognize it as one of the many things my dad stole from me.

There's very likely more to it than that from psychological standpoint and something my therapist hinted at, but we didn't have enough time to discuss it during our last session: a mental block on sex. I probably do have some self-conscious reserves about being into sex as another longstanding impact left from my trauma of being molested all those years. I'm sure I'll be going over it with my therapist next time, but these are current revelations, if you will, I've been having lately. So much for thinking me renewing my friendship with my ex has been a great distraction from focusing on my trauma. It's just unearthing more issues. Not that I'm blaming, of course. I'm the one pursuing a platonic relationship with him, after all.

My therapist pulled a fast one on me, so to speak. We were first talking about my renewed friendship with my ex and how well that was going, but then I got to talking about how there's still no romantic feeling or sexual urges involved whatsoever. After I said that, my therapist got to asking me more on my sexuality or lack thereof. I talked about how I've never really been much of a sexual person, not since my molestation ended, but would still have sex with my ex. We talked about our sex life and she got me realizing several things about myself I never really put much thought into before, that being I never truly appreciated sex that much. I'll elaborate on it in another post. I suppose that's been helpful and insightful, like she always is. I say she pulled a fast one because I didn't go in thinking we'd get to talking about that and that I'd be realizing I guess just how much of a non-sexual person I am. She could have very well planned that from when I mentioned in during our last session. Not that that matters, but it's rather clever of her if so. She does her job well.

I spoke to my ex on how I feel about our relationship. It ended up being more awkward than I expected, but I’m hoping I at least cleared the air. I told him I really value his companionship, that I even enjoy his physical affection. I also explained there’s nothing romantic or sexual about my enjoyment of it. He seemed confused and I probably didn’t articulate it the best. I still can hardly put it to words very good. I made it clear that I still don’t want to enter a relationship with him again. Yet I also want what we have to continue, but I don’t want him to think I’m leading him on or anything. That even if he understands that, I’d hate for him to develop any feelings for me that I can’t reciprocate. Like I said, it was rather awkward. It shouldn’t have been since we’re both adults, but it was. Anyway, he says he understands and that won’t be a problem. I can only hope so. He immediately went and tested the waters, if you will, on what physical affection he can get away with by rubbing and patting my back - something he used to do all the time while we were together. It made me feel happy and relaxed. I really hope this can continue and ultimately work out.