This is a subject that depresses me a little. Which is all the reason I need to address it, right? All the time I have spent with boyfriendish has been great. So great, it distracted me from talking about my trauma very much and had me forsake therapy altogether. Now that we're spending less time together with the winter weather in full swing, I miss having him around even if we still keep in regular contact over the phone and social media. I love him, I can still say that much. But as much as I hate to say it, I'm still not in love with him and don't think I can ever be. Not with him or anyone.

I really wish I could say that I've fallen in love with him and we're back to being in a fully committed romantic relationship. I believe he might be hoping for this himself. But I simply can't. I love his company, I love talking with him, I love him being affectionate with me. I even miss him enough that it makes me sad. But my heart doesn't sore when he's around, I don't think about him every second of every day and all those other romantic cliches. I don't get aroused by him or want to have sex with him. There's simply no romance and that upsets me.

For one, things would be a lot simpler if we were romantically involved. We still uphold the illusion that we are dating again with family and friends simply for the sake of simplicity since our dynamics would be too complicated to explain. That and he's been the perfect man for me as far as I'm concerned. He's good-looking, he's kind, good-natured and he's willing to settle for simply touching my body without overstepping boundaries even for a moment. But I don't have romantic feelings for him. I feel that if I can't fall in love with him then I can't with anyone. As much as I like the idea of it, I don't know if it's feasible for me now.

As I have said before, I could simply be asexual. Sure, I can have close platonic bonds with others, but the usual feelings and sensations associated with romance are things I just don't feel and am not sure that I ever have, even. Sure, I've dated before when I was younger and believed I was in love... But I'm thinking I may have just been mistaking similar feelings to what I have now for boyfriendish as being in love. I know for sure that I never really cared for sex. I would willingly partake and enjoy it to a point, but it wasn't something I ever really yearned for. There may be physical attractions, but when I really think on it, there's never been any sexual attractions.

All of this could (probably does) lead back to my trauma - being molested by my dad for 20 years. I could also have very well turned out this way even if I had a completely normal, not traumatic upbringing. Probably no way to tell for sure, but I can't help but think I was made this way thanks to my dad. It aggravates me, even though it probably shouldn't because nothing can be done about it if so. I guess my biggest frustration is just wanting to be a normal person in a normal romantic, sexual relationship but being unable to because the way my mind is wired simply isn't. Again, perhaps because of my father and the year he spent shaping me to be this way.

I'm sure some might say that I just need to find the right person and boyfriendish just isn't it. While this isn't something I dwell on too much, I do hope I get proven wrong someday, I guess that's all I can say. In the meantime, I'll just try to keep appreciating what I have with boyfriendish. Even if it can't last, which I'll elaborate on in another entry.