In my previous entry, I talked about hoping to avoid making another graphic triggering post. I’m thinking maybe what will help avoid that is instead of dwelling my trauma, maybe I can dwell more on my current relationship with my boyfriendish partner, who’s been a primary source of happiness for me.

During my family reunion, I got to reintroduce boyfriendish to many of my relatives, all of whom remember him from when we were dating a few years back and were happy to see us “back together”. While we’re not together romantically now, we’ve been saying we are just for the sake of simplicity for others about our relationship. But I think anyone would assume that we are dating for how intimately close we get. I’ll just lean into him and he’ll put his hands wherever he wants save for my most personal areas.

I don’t know if I will ever get tired of feeling his hands on me. He hasn’t pushed his luck any further than he already has, but he still could and I probably would let him get away with it. It’s a good thing that he hasn’t though because that might just complicate things. Even if he may want to, evidences by him touching my shoulders only to pull away. He’s had a thing for my shoulders. So much it would get him aroused. At least twice now, he would start rubbing them with his hands only to abruptly stop. I didn’t say anything, but I know why: because it turns him on and perhaps he feels that’s crossing boundaries.

He’s very obviously attracted to me and has been pretty bold about voicing it. He likes calling me pet names like “beautiful” and “gorgeous”. Then he’s also paid me certain compliments that make his attraction pretty clear. For example, a couple weekends back when I was going swimming at my family park, he told me my body looked great in the swimsuit I was wearing. Compliments have never really done much for me and them coming from him isn’t too different, but I also don’t mind it. I’m sure he likes me for more than just my looks, but either way, I can find satisfaction in knowing he likes that much about me to keep spending time with me.

I can still comfortably say that I love this man and I know he loves me back. We haven’t told each other that due to the romantic connotations that it would suggest, but neither of us need to say it. We enjoy each other’s company very much. The topic has come up of us moving in together as roommates. Though it’s just an idea right now. It’s not officially becoming romantically involved, but it’s still a big commitment we’ll have to put some thought into. We have lived together before but under different circumstances, of course. Probably not going to happen anytime soon, but as an idea, I really like it. It remains to be seen whether it’s a good idea or not.

He’s helped me more than he knows and may ever know. Like I’ve said before, he’s provided me with the perfect companionship I didn’t even know that I needed. In doing so, he’s given me feelings of happiness in a period of my life where I’m going through a lot dealing my past trauma. I don’t know what our future is like since I’m sure he won’t be content in a relationship where there’s no romance or sex involved. So he shouldn’t be, that just wouldn’t be fair. And I won’t ever have that expectation of him. If he ever wants to leave to pursue a real relationship, I may not like it but there won’t be any hard feelings either. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.