At school right now and something smells like Caesar salad dressing and/or croutons

(i)-I relaxed myself earlier

(ii)-I just remembered and think about how to visit a certain someone, I'd have to make arrangements in advance just to check if he's there--I'd rather see him than his sisters first. REALLY should do that before the homework gets to me.

(iii)-I'm anxious b/c after the upset I gave myself yesterday "-~- , I tried the thing to link up to server anyhow without a good estimation for a needed password and it didn't work and I still haven't gotten a reply back yesterday about it from the instructor. ">~< Auggh,it gets to me now how last week,1 week after exams I didn't really relax at all partly b/c of a need to vent about at risk marks I had (I fortunately passed with 60's ranges for 3/4),which I vented out by exercising so much that once again >~< -_- my knees hurt a bit--- >:I d--- it!,not that again!. Happened to me after I turned 17 for the remainder of 2008, it happened to me maybe some time earlier last year and again >_< !.

Yeah I used a leg press machine and did up to 20+ minutes of consist cardio on a staircase and ellipitical machine but I wouldn't think shish like this doesn't really happen until like old age >:I !.

-- -_- Oh of course,goodness forbid that anyone ever put up an online course even when you have issues setting up and *NOT* >_< forget to put heaps of homework there for student second-doubting themselves

- -~- Arg the textbook. Arg,how for an accounting course, it --nvm . I think I'll be positive about that one.

<Learn to think of the word positive and *not* think about the Positivist philosophy movement you so dislike>

(iv) Sooner or later I'd like to do retrospective updates on my online journals,the end of the regular school year seeming a good time for me.
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I didn't really relax for that like ~week off before I found out my marks and there's a book which I'm reading which I didn't read all the way thru when I was like 12-13 which I'd like to finish up. That and one other one.

"-~- Darn textbook prices.

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**-Do the webpage formats on notepad when you get home PLZ

"Emotional" sobrierty--it's something I realize that which is one way to call "relaxing" by.

It shows (maybe) in the last mid-term test I did this afternoon.
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It was an intermediate word app class test and tbh I hadn't studied for it the way i would've liked to. My reception and preparation of this week has not been a very good one.

While I practiced an exercise on multi-lining I feel that I "regressed" when I listened to the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy theme before writing the test. I felt like listening to music (i)but "shouldn't",I've been trying to get out of the habit of listening to hying music before a test or class and (ii) I feel like it was "regressive" particularly b/c of how around the turn of last year, I told myself I would like to give up "power fantasy" stuff and as a versatile as story-telling tries to be, superhero stuff usually is like that.

I go to the testing area where I fumble for like ~6 minutes (? ) looking for the file needed for the test even though, which I didn't find sooner on the shared (server?) b/c I thought my teacher's last name was something different.

I finally get to doing it and while it's not difficult, I take a bit long,fiddling with things since I'm not too well practiced--I don't really feel like I'd like to talk about whether I had a time extension or not --anyhow what makes me personally p.o.'d w/myself is how an easy 1/3 of the test wasn't done since I ran out of time.

">~< Arg..~20 more minutes a bit of text formatting and typing and I wouldn't been fine ! .

I "eat emotionally" after having gotten indescive w/whether I'd go straight to the gym after, (I didn't, I ate at an area near it) before deciding to bus home to do something my brother asked,which later on he gave a reason for it not having to be done.

*Then* I bused back up and went to the school gym for a while.

You know before I went to the testing area instead of water,the bottle I had with me was filled up with cranberry juice and I thought to myself " Huh. Bright red,sweet cranberry juice before this special occasion. Maybe I'll do better this time", but actually I think water would've been better. Had it been water I would've been occasionely drinking cold sips to quench me before continuing w/the test. This time, I was eager early one to drink a fair portion of it,sweetness rushing through me and I drank it more in fewer instances as time ran out.

This and a few things I've read today make me think-- I have *got to* work on my emotional sobriety. I can be expressive and emotionally visceral which is a good thing, but I do it so often I actually have trouble getting other things to motorize me.

I don't drink but if emotions were alcoholic beverages I'd be drinking from while talking, there would be times when it's like I sip wine to perk me up while talking to someone and other times when I'm p.o.'d and basically sloshed,obsessively ranty on some high-end liquer not many ppl are fond of before wiping out. Dang,it's handy to think of relaxation among these terms.

Relaxing,being relaxed, having "inner peace", consistent calmness, having not a passivity or indifference but a serenity in my attitude; that's *relaxing*,that's emotional sobriety which I'm not too good at.

Maybe hence,why at times particularly in the past, the psuedo-Stoicism...

[ Continued ]

Two days before my mom's birthday during the last day's of January, I was reading a certain book (Paul Tilich's "Courage to be") and with so much mention of elucidation of how courage is a (to keep things short) "special" kind of self-affirmation, I decided to do an action.

When I've seen ppl from the first high school I went to I avert them,thinking of them as something like tormenting ghosts from a time when I went thru a sham-farce in my teenage-hood. <tempted to "tangent-ize" here> One such person who here now was a girl who I liked in the first high school.

..<here lies a conflict in my mind...which points to say etc?..>

Even though she's been here for a semester now while she was in a line up at pizza place, I used a certain song lyric as a "warm up" to be able to greet her. After I went to the gym and during said time was an emotional rush always bringing me to tears which I was trying to convert to exercise. I talked to someone after. Recently I spoke to someone last Monday (my brother's birthday) about this as well.

Factor,man do I have some baggage from "that era". I mean for factor's sake, I hadn't seen her since ~June '07,having sent a final e-mail to her about how I actually failed the Ontario literacy test the first time around b/c I was distracted by her being near me and disclosing my feelings to her around her birthday no less.

<painful point---the factoring fearfulness of trying to get the MCR3U1* math credit I so badly craved>

One of my friends was helping me and out of desperation I went to ask the arrogant and talented male friend of her, to whom she was something of an "entourage" member too.

<here I feel it's better to leave out details describing this>

There are few things that sharply s---k in this life as when your put in a position where you need help so badly as something that you are compelled to go to someone who not only you don't like but whom you have a feeling has some unpleasant points in their personality which they'd selectively reveal when for some reason they say or do particularly offending things to you, a "weaker" person.

point: still being so factoring far off from passing a class,~20% off, knowledge which you've accumulated over ~2 yrs,3/4 of those classes with some unpleasant teachers who have no f----g idea what this means to you,going down the drain. A line of "tell me...or else I won't help you with your math" from a smart harasser. It's like a hostage situation,except the hostage is the info and explanation you need to get through a class.

On my way out of the library, a place so public,near the end of the month you walk away hoping someone else will help you,he asks "aww,what are you thinking suicidal thoughts?".

<>_< ;_; >8I ...lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity>

SMUG F---- D8< !!!.

THE F---G NERVE THAT YOUR SUCH A "LOSER" THAT SOMEONE WOULD THROW THAT OUT SO CASUALLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE >~<
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClXJY53rV8E <--the feeling of wanting to gtfo of the first high school
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I wonder if this now woman with some developments from the brash,spotenously impulsive, impatient but somehow astoundingly dilligent girl in spite of a conformist personality, possibly a bit "self-centered" in a manner of speaking still hangs out with him .__.

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The first person to have spurred me to take initiative towards something called a relationship,which I was "expecting" to do at that age. Even among the more "hormonally charged" mentality back then. Occasionely a harraser to me, some might even say bully (occasions pop to mind). But the admittance of having a smal crush on me in g.9..esp.considering *where* it was she said that..means...

[ Continued ]

While I'm not 'too' moody, I can say that I haven't screwed over only ~3 weeks back at school.

Another "if I could redo things again" thing I'd do: start a program in *January* instead of September. I notice now how (even though difficulty levels vary on a case by case basis) when classes are compacted to pass by quicker than in high school,with ending in late April,the difference btw things being cut short are felt. I miss how in high school "things go downhill by May and June, *when the weather actually is warm* whereas having things end in late April kinda stinks,b/c that just when things are *warming up*.

I don't care about what could be said about going to school full time from May-September,my mind frankly operates much more smoothly during that time and the sound of having September-December off,the time of the year when the cold starts and the irksomeness of shorter daylight hours kick off sounds good to me and I can fantasize as the closest thing to a "human winter hiberation" period in that things less imeediately important like school can be done.

Flllip. How I wish I could step into a room, where 1 minute here=7 hours in there and where I wouldn't have to eat or drink. That's the way I fantisize getting thru this homework . Not difficult at all but there such a bunch of it, that it takes me a while just to take a count and organize what to do, another while to pick which ones to do first,by then I'd probably lost my initative (~2.5 hrs). And this is stuff I prefer doing outside of home but to tell the truth it's increasingly starting to bother me how my mom insists on me coming home early "-_- .

Two reasons for that I think.
(i) [why'd I just something that angers me -_- --a summary of an "american horror story" episode?]
Throughout my life my mom has insisted I eat a much as I like and I did this even when I was little,pudgy and was klutzy with movements,regardless of my limping--cue -_- years of self-image issues which culminated in the self-destructive,self-emaciating running obsession of August 2007 among other things...since then imo my mom has had something of a mistrust whenever I don't eat or exercise and don't eat sometime soon or before that or "exercise to long" (which I feel impulsed to do since I'm friggin so clumsy =_= ).

(ii) she doesn't like me staying here well after it starts getting dark (and cold--it's January,daylight will extend but not soon enough to plz everyone I guess) and it's kinda of a butt-pain having to wait for a bus to pass by around past 7 here and even then there's usually two other drop-off points where I step off,both still not really near to my house taking me another 15-20 minutes to get there walking,if I don't find myself with the circumstantial fortune for there to be the #2 bus soon after there,which'll take me closer to the street where I live and I walk down from one end of the street to the other for another dreary ~3 minutes. By which time my mom insists and wonders about how much I ate

< -_- I think to myself a Chris Rock quip "..like a real estate agent..location,location,location",here with the location of the college 'proving' the importance of that and I think about the math teacher I had which left me with I admit something of hostile mistrust of real estate agents ever since,with the hope that there's not much sleaze in the business...cars salesman get stereotyped that way at times and I hate stereotypical attributes to spread and not get debunked>
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Good thing I got thru 2 online quizzes quite well,but with a weekend routine of

i.wake up at 9-11,"struggle" to get up for 1/2 an...

[ Continued ]

2012: My entries were short and I was plainly complain-y. I did that one entry in Spanish,I hadn't yet made a journal here and I was struggling in the software support program. I recognized the hardship of homework but did I realize the relevance and importance of decision-making,freedom and volition. Noooo. Unfortunately not yet.

I went on a mainly about my feelings from how I felt that day at class and ruminated on stuff from the past like "the smell of my childhood" and the last high school chem teacher I had representing an archetypical "successful/achiever" yet kinda run-of-the-mill conformist 20-something. Don't get me wrong,I got along with her most of the time but I dunno if she's really someone I'd like to hang around outside of her work were I her age<--keeping the thoughts of what I had of her years ago.

I said how "Life has got "clearer" as I've gotten older even though I'm not smarter",clearer here can be be *emotional clarity I suppose. Around that time my interest in martial arts kicked in. Few things like that particular "intimacy" of combativeness to motorize yourself to be fit. I know that for some ppl it helps calm them down and expend their energy into being self-disciplined but (for me) little did I know at the time, that I'd eventually feel (b/c I actually had a person in mind I craved to spar with,later on) how irregardless of the style (*FOR ME*) it's a glamorized excuse to wittingly and unwittingly amp up and expose my aggression more often. However I learn to like low-impact exercise .
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2013: Still do entries that are short-ish. I notice "the fallacy of relative privation" in a longer one made Feburary. I get rantier and fantasize-talk about my approach to exercise and all the special stuff that'll come out of it. It includes a mention of how I'm restless of life always seeming adversarial to me and that by exercising I won't feel as prone to feeling "beat up" by it. Sometime around here I was in inner turmoil about switching out yet again.

"That's how you look at the past:by picking out the right stuff 2 look back on." was an interesting quote from back then. During a showing of an "inner dialogue" I mentioned even back then how I really ought to read books on reasoning--"^_^ augh!,that's still a badly neglected aspect of my "philosophisizing" I still gotta work on and intending to esp. since I've gotten a much better grip on emotional clarity since those days. I regret having said something bad about a physics teacher who said something about how I look like while writing,she's a nice person,really.

It's funny how much I talked about whatever meager exercising I was doing. I notice differences btw how I expressed my anger in the entries before entering "general arts and sciences" and now. The mention of what I thought was going to be my last lapse is there "^_^..truth be told some "incidents" happened around the end of this September after over a year,but I feel better now. My interest in martial arts, my sister having moved out, I was less hesistant to show how moodey,agitated and overall aggressive I was. A bad thing.

I think that maybe around the time of last September the thought of "if I do bad things,I gotta do something good to 'neutralize' the effect lest life dish out something bad at me" started to slowly cede. A word that was left untranslated "deprimido" means depressed in Spanish. To think Magnolia only passed away last October. I'm thankful to the moderator janjones for editing a few things for "privacy"....

[ Continued ]