Is it so "monster-ized" to admit it?.I'm lazy alright!.

I shouldn't be so anxiety-ridder to it that I get indecisive on whether to say it organically,think long terms implications like "being a lazy early 20 something means you a p.o.s. ,who's inncorrigble--gtfo of our first world society loser",ok!.

I still have weeks worth of hw to do, have a strong feeling that an a---kicking is on it's way in the form of financial concepts quiz next week,3 flippin weeks till exams and dang it!,lemme say right now,one of the few things I can be sure of is that tonight I wanna lay back and aside from the usual cracked articles,I liked to see the new episode of "the legend of korra", Show's making beautiful timing it seems to aligning w/ my semester wrap up
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As well -_- ; I originally had it planner out that around my 100th blog entry I'd make a big retrospective entry. I still can do that but continuing the regular habit of writing here makes for more stuff to go thru before new year's,eh?.

I hope you know that when I here the phrase "inner child" I don't get an image of a toddler-me happily jumping around and being forthcoming. It's of the shicklessly scared toddler, "warm"ly enveloped in the certainity of fear and one (in short) bizzare sense of self.

It's a stupid thought but if I were to embrace "my inner child" I have this nightmarish thought that I'd be convolusing on the floor like I was having an epiletic fit screaming and talking to myself--it'd be a big emotional *regression* is what I mean to say. I'm afraid of that*. I hate that part of myself b/c of all the "lost years" spent in that state and how me and society says it's a b.s. waste of time to try to "make contact" with that part of myself at this stage. Unskilled I am.

*VERY* few ppl know just wtf that this (the idea of inner child). Another cop-out trite saying which p.o's is "it's all in your head","it's all in your mind"----''=_= of course you dimwit.Care to (expletive adjective) *VERIFY* that ?! >:( .

* it's not like I have had to have been a child soldier to feel that way.
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This is an atttitude I will change.

-I have a big ######6 problem when it comes to taking action. I have realized and d--- if it isn't separate by how bumblesome I am at making decisions.

-Over the school break mid-last month, I admit I made the irresponsible move of purposely ignoring my homework and "gathering my thoughts and resting---*not* "gathering my thoughts and expanding". It meant ignoring my homework,something I still regret having done but the rest and realizations were nice. For instance me admitting that in spite of what I say and think,I am very "lazy" ,having a hard time taking action unless it interests me. I don't need,I don't always need loads of lofty pondered out thoughts and intentions backing me,that sorta stuff kinda takes care of itself and I have to have more faith in that. There is only taking action. Once I make a trail dig in,and make it on the other end--I can look at underlying stuff if I wanna and the real lofty high level stuff awaits me.

-Odder was how I realized that I tend to "shut up" more if I'm writing or thinking in Spanish. The impulse I have when writing in English of ruminating,pondering and many times getting angsty-- that impulse is no where near as prevalent when I think and write in Spanish. I have a hunch there is more to it then the lack of adjectives and nouns that I can "play with" in Spanish---there's something a counselor once told me about how Romance languages work in there writing in contrast to English .

-This helps me,when it comes to hushing the monologue in my mind when I ought to be paying attention,listening AND *understanding* other ppl. All my time intensely thinking it's like my mind said "have you ever thought of crossing over to the other side ?" (the Spanish speaking side). Could it be that my lack of attendance to that side of me has caused some kind of inconsistency which yells out to obligatorily attended to?,after all if I can explain something just as well in English,*just as well* in Spanish,adjective & noun furnishings and all I'm doing something right aren't I?.

-Ending yesterday for almost a whole week I wrote entirely in Spanish and dang how much I shut up,really gets to me .I'm more suited *to* action although I still have trouble keeping to action. I also realized and "felt" how some of the things I write in English I'm a bit more reluctant to write in Spanish,like if there was some kind of "group pressure" on me when I'm writing in Spanish. Even my punctuation placement was different,the upside exclamation,questions marks and accent symbols which I don't know how to use aside.

And when I did get to writing it in Spanish (a blurb on Western philosophy history I've been meaning to get out: Anglospheric empiricism next to Continental European rationalism changing into recent Analytic and Continental school stuff), I looked at it a bit astonished thinking "how often would I here a Spanish speaker say stuff like this ?". Is it just b/c I haven't been around "the same kind of intellectual stimulation" in Spanish?. It's kinda funky when you think about how the Latin based words maybe "should"(?) seem more "at place" inm a Latin based language instead of how their highfalutin-ness kinda sticks out in English.

Social factors like education and internal cultures aside I kept coming back to how I wish I remembered what that one counselor told me once. Not as many adjectives and nouns,not as expanded as...

[ Continued ]

"A poem is true if it hangs together.Information points to something else.A poem points to nothing else"-E.M Forster,"Two cheers for democracy" (1951) .

This "Gorillaz vs. The Killers- Somebody Told Me to Feel Good" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMGWntRUf0Y is a pretty emotionally charged mesh-up.

I appreciate you guys . i'm a bit scared to proceed with this week but I appreciate you guys.

(Temptations to untangled a tangent)-being optimistic is no walk in the park .

-Yesterday I turned 23 and as such I have decided to indulge/express myself with a subject title that might be inapplicable as I can't say for sure whether I'm any better at accepting paradoxes.

x *cough*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22_(logic)#Logic*cough*

but I know that I have learned a lot this age-year and ggggggguuuuuwww -w- ,a "teal deer" can peer it's head out here.

There are patches here and there from other entries.
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It has been 20 days plus a year since the http://www.psychforums.com/blog/xod_s/something_good_came_out_of_near_slipping_b-5078.html entry which marks the last time I intentionally went on pornography and getting out of the habit was a reason for the obsessive,ranty,contrarian spree on the other end of the hormonally fueled behavior spectrum (randiness<~~~~~>anger),which I embarked on.


I did some things,I identified some thing, I destroyed some things,I did some things some more,I identified some things,grains of salt got scattered around,I was so get so caught up that I nearly forgot about this reason. I did martial arts for a little bit,I got interested in martial arts a little it, I was engaged,enjoyed and found out what I made happen when given the freedom and fun of being in a "general arts and sciences" program which is one fruit that has come out of tertiary education,I expressed myself etc.

Some of the stuff I've thought and said can be dismissed as nothing but nigh-convoluted inticement and trash-talking. It's been different from the release of mindless aggression I had btw Aug '07-Feb '08. Like it I got a "reality slap" around the end.

Desire and hatred,forms of passion were finally identified,in a fantastic coincide weeks before tomorrow both have been a source for more than one motive fallacy. Along the trek though,I've come across different forms of self-pleasure and "webs of nimbleness" have formed in my mind. As well as different and underscored ways of approaching sexuality topics instead of going more into fantasy and self-pleasure. And I'll admit this includes luagh-pleasure the questionable infotainment merits of "cracked.com" when it comes to sexuality as well "^_^ .

Hey,did I mention that even white women are starting to look more interesting to me now ? ^u^ .

I don't "sublimate" it off,which I imo is a bit to much to ask for sometimes (like having left elementary being the best basketball player at school and being told your going to be playing on the seniors team a month before a school distrcit final) , I *subsume it* into my cognitizing,looking afor and trying to understand ways it's been analyzed like via soft sciences and life scis and such. Whether it "sublimates" isn't too important to me.

Very absorbing and more meaningful than masturbation, conventionally is taken to be. It's better than an improvement than the hormonally driven and frenzied teen I used to be,who had even "in-a-rut-ted" problems of being socially active with ppl...I still very much do,with what socability most ppl see me having being a thin crust for the volumes of shaky underlayers like what I demonstrate in personal writings and audio-logs.

There is something I would like to say today. Revealing something which makes me fear and something that makes me worry and which my mind (ever so used to the impulse of "getting ahead of myself") lingers whenever I think about the possibility of a relationship and getting married.

Hormone based contraceptives and possible abortifacient effects.

There.I said it.

For what it's worth, I'm fine with barrier method contraceptives.

It's a valid concern but like times in the past it shows that I have a tendenancy to "get ahead of myself" and like (how) many men (are written off as),I...

[ Continued ]