While I'm not 'too' moody, I can say that I haven't screwed over only ~3 weeks back at school.

Another "if I could redo things again" thing I'd do: start a program in *January* instead of September. I notice now how (even though difficulty levels vary on a case by case basis) when classes are compacted to pass by quicker than in high school,with ending in late April,the difference btw things being cut short are felt. I miss how in high school "things go downhill by May and June, *when the weather actually is warm* whereas having things end in late April kinda stinks,b/c that just when things are *warming up*.

I don't care about what could be said about going to school full time from May-September,my mind frankly operates much more smoothly during that time and the sound of having September-December off,the time of the year when the cold starts and the irksomeness of shorter daylight hours kick off sounds good to me and I can fantasize as the closest thing to a "human winter hiberation" period in that things less imeediately important like school can be done.

Flllip. How I wish I could step into a room, where 1 minute here=7 hours in there and where I wouldn't have to eat or drink. That's the way I fantisize getting thru this homework . Not difficult at all but there such a bunch of it, that it takes me a while just to take a count and organize what to do, another while to pick which ones to do first,by then I'd probably lost my initative (~2.5 hrs). And this is stuff I prefer doing outside of home but to tell the truth it's increasingly starting to bother me how my mom insists on me coming home early "-_- .

Two reasons for that I think.
(i) [why'd I just something that angers me -_- --a summary of an "american horror story" episode?]
Throughout my life my mom has insisted I eat a much as I like and I did this even when I was little,pudgy and was klutzy with movements,regardless of my limping--cue -_- years of self-image issues which culminated in the self-destructive,self-emaciating running obsession of August 2007 among other things...since then imo my mom has had something of a mistrust whenever I don't eat or exercise and don't eat sometime soon or before that or "exercise to long" (which I feel impulsed to do since I'm friggin so clumsy =_= ).

(ii) she doesn't like me staying here well after it starts getting dark (and cold--it's January,daylight will extend but not soon enough to plz everyone I guess) and it's kinda of a butt-pain having to wait for a bus to pass by around past 7 here and even then there's usually two other drop-off points where I step off,both still not really near to my house taking me another 15-20 minutes to get there walking,if I don't find myself with the circumstantial fortune for there to be the #2 bus soon after there,which'll take me closer to the street where I live and I walk down from one end of the street to the other for another dreary ~3 minutes. By which time my mom insists and wonders about how much I ate

< -_- I think to myself a Chris Rock quip "..like a real estate agent..location,location,location",here with the location of the college 'proving' the importance of that and I think about the math teacher I had which left me with I admit something of hostile mistrust of real estate agents ever since,with the hope that there's not much sleaze in the business...cars salesman get stereotyped that way at times and I hate stereotypical attributes to spread and not get debunked>
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Good thing I got thru 2 online quizzes quite well,but with a weekend routine of

i.wake up at 9-11,"struggle" to get up for 1/2 an hour (-_- "half the battle is getting started"),take 1/2 an hour to do washroom stuff like toothbrushing and showering and expect plenty of interruptions for who wants to use it,before prepearing food to eat,wondering about what to take,how to pack it,how to prepare it and maybe if I can 'get away with not taking anything' without my mom noticing and me not actually getting restless,weary a/o hungry while trying to do homework plus *maybe =_= * find myself having to our dog out a/o make and leave her food. All this in some order.

ii. ~20 minutes of waiting for bus and the travel

iii. ~2-3 hrs here where I don't do much b/c paragraph #3 here.

There have been the odd times when I do actually get a nice amount done by the end of Sunday but then I wish for a "day off" in how after going thru the weekend "homeworking", I'd like some time for some satisfying recharging instead of getting plunged back into Monday.
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Now clearly 95% of this would vanish if I actually had bone fida quality study habits and a mind sharper to action and understanding instead of ruminating and opinatedly rambling but-- -_- meh, Aspergers could be mentioned here,but I really hate overstating things I don't really understand/"playing that [as a] card" . Also I *hate >_< * obfuscating things including seeming like I'm deficient at doing something.
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Lately I've been wondering (based on thoughts of the time my sister moved out) if I really did live on my own and "magically" had my expenses covered just how efficient or at least "ground covering" would I be at doing homework. "Get me some of that 'unrestrained self-direction (i.e. "freedom")" here ^_^ !.

-~- Lately I'm starting to feel tethered down to my parents tbh. Me the nebbish one while there's two siblings,not too unreflective but who cares when your as loaded with self-direction as they are,including ignoring doing simple ash requests there parents make,consistently saying "there's nothing to eat here" to go out to the semi-chagrin of both my parents, my parents who goodness knows would much rather be strolling around the southwestern states or staying in El Salvador than Canada and the cold,overtaxed and it's finicky "first-worlders achieve [or leave]" ambience.

Nebbish me who'd like to be on my own,me who's always had a negativity of hatred,fear and repulsion,other adjectives etc at the notion of being interdependent on anyone,including my own family in some ways and the seeming absence of tellic qualities there.

Goodness knows I'd LOVE to not inconsequential but at +20 yrs old you look bizzare if your just starting to do that. The heckling in my mind of a crowd saying "Hah,hah,hah what a loser!.He's only getting started *now* !" constantly being there.
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I remind myself of (i) I'm still trying to be optimistic,my emotionality is different in Spanish and (ii) the notion of life being a "game" where you have to rule,be rational and achieve is a petty misguided one as any other and it wouldn't pan out if replicated among 7.2+ billion ppl.

H---,believe it or not I didn't really understand what success was until I was 17 and how important optimism was until 16.5. I guess you can say several years after and I'm only starting to get a "grip" for how the groundwork meaning of those words actually functions "in the most authentic sense".
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Neuronormatives aren't "better" than me at making decisions. Their more adjusted and more habitualized at making there decisions,having the intentionalistic motor of "what will suffice for [me or said group of choosing]" and "achieve" as two common premises.

Oh *honesty* and it's expression of it can be abutt-pain to always be expressing -_- and what you got left might be pessimism which you can honest about how stodgy and hard it is to change.
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Positive things

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