-I have a big ######6 problem when it comes to taking action. I have realized and d--- if it isn't separate by how bumblesome I am at making decisions.

-Over the school break mid-last month, I admit I made the irresponsible move of purposely ignoring my homework and "gathering my thoughts and resting---*not* "gathering my thoughts and expanding". It meant ignoring my homework,something I still regret having done but the rest and realizations were nice. For instance me admitting that in spite of what I say and think,I am very "lazy" ,having a hard time taking action unless it interests me. I don't need,I don't always need loads of lofty pondered out thoughts and intentions backing me,that sorta stuff kinda takes care of itself and I have to have more faith in that. There is only taking action. Once I make a trail dig in,and make it on the other end--I can look at underlying stuff if I wanna and the real lofty high level stuff awaits me.

-Odder was how I realized that I tend to "shut up" more if I'm writing or thinking in Spanish. The impulse I have when writing in English of ruminating,pondering and many times getting angsty-- that impulse is no where near as prevalent when I think and write in Spanish. I have a hunch there is more to it then the lack of adjectives and nouns that I can "play with" in Spanish---there's something a counselor once told me about how Romance languages work in there writing in contrast to English .

-This helps me,when it comes to hushing the monologue in my mind when I ought to be paying attention,listening AND *understanding* other ppl. All my time intensely thinking it's like my mind said "have you ever thought of crossing over to the other side ?" (the Spanish speaking side). Could it be that my lack of attendance to that side of me has caused some kind of inconsistency which yells out to obligatorily attended to?,after all if I can explain something just as well in English,*just as well* in Spanish,adjective & noun furnishings and all I'm doing something right aren't I?.

-Ending yesterday for almost a whole week I wrote entirely in Spanish and dang how much I shut up,really gets to me .I'm more suited *to* action although I still have trouble keeping to action. I also realized and "felt" how some of the things I write in English I'm a bit more reluctant to write in Spanish,like if there was some kind of "group pressure" on me when I'm writing in Spanish. Even my punctuation placement was different,the upside exclamation,questions marks and accent symbols which I don't know how to use aside.

And when I did get to writing it in Spanish (a blurb on Western philosophy history I've been meaning to get out: Anglospheric empiricism next to Continental European rationalism changing into recent Analytic and Continental school stuff), I looked at it a bit astonished thinking "how often would I here a Spanish speaker say stuff like this ?". Is it just b/c I haven't been around "the same kind of intellectual stimulation" in Spanish?. It's kinda funky when you think about how the Latin based words maybe "should"(?) seem more "at place" inm a Latin based language instead of how their highfalutin-ness kinda sticks out in English.

Social factors like education and internal cultures aside I kept coming back to how I wish I remembered what that one counselor told me once. Not as many adjectives and nouns,not as expanded as in English but sufficiently concise and summarizing. I read a chapter of the "[the] mister president" (el senor president) novel, I have out loud and think about how I want this kind of "articulatory symmetry" in me. I don't know why (like I said "things settle themselves out") but maybe it'll do me some cognitive good.
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-Being in the office admin program there is a high difference of females to males. While many would laugh at that and say how it'd be a prime chance to a bigshot "lady's-man" that is from my nebbish self. For me it's not a chance to get away with chauvinism it's a time to left my humanity radiate more. "Reality is the sum of all our social interactions. Perception [or perspective,darn me for not remembering ) is therefore the most important thing" from one of the last notes in my "race and ethnic dynamics class".

-I realized with that quote in my mind when thinking about "some of the most important women in my life" aside from the obvious like my mom there's my sister. It made apologize to her about how I'm sorry for most of my life having dismissed her as essentially something of a dumbash from the time I was a toddler till recently. Not b/c of anything sex or gender related but b/c in those days with the grip fearfulness and unseen autism on me, I decided to project my rage at existence onto her up until recent realizations. Her, who would grow up to be the un-highfalutin conformist who always passed by as "normal" with a socializing ability and all while I was left unheard partly b/c no one understood me and partly b/c I made it hard for ppl to understand me.

-Let get one thing clear:when I was little I went after knowledge and power not relationships and non-familial affection. D---- , ,how not having done the latter made me the scrambled-brained,indecisive,slow to action person I am now with a shaky fear for how I lack the qualifying terms of adulthood making me feel juvenile and insecure as a result
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- I have an excel test tomorrow and thank y'all.

I also realized I have clingy-ness to "emotionally visceral" topics and always wanting emotional clarity with my intellectual "sate-the-cravings" "servings"

"^_^ : heh,"emotionally naked" is a good phrase I've heard lately.

*It shouldn't take* the emotionally charged to "keep my head lit on"--and it helps that when I write in Spanish I don't nearly feel as much the same impulse as in English to revise things,look at a single or few words or constantly feel some nigh-need to expand on stuff.

Things will get better soon.