Well this comes as a surprise to me _-_-.I'm back here again after yet another test that I did badly on!.Java is one of the driest subjects I've ever had 2 deal with in a very long time.And I mean a very long time.When was the last dry one I had 2 deal with:accounting?.That was in grade 10 for goodness sake.I don't like the remnants of last semesters "golden bunch".As usual their golden bunching things up with the ppl they attract and the clique that they form.

Um,let's see I could take out my rage on the snow that's out there while it's out there but here I am on a bright green couch at school with veins in my hands a poppin (out).How the f--- can you study anything when you cant conceptualize it in a non-convulted/tedious way that takes enough effort on it's own?.

I'm at war with myself.At war with myself for not letting escapists pleasures like reading cracked.com articles or using online "crustless cheesecake" which bites at a deeper problem of mine to move on in the courses when I don't feel like sleeping to it,which is in no small part due to the pig ignorance of mine I faced last semester.At war with myself b/c if I embrace the latter it'll feel like a more important thing that I'll have to deal with lest it haunt me some more and more.And right now I wanna listen to "Sweet child of mine" and enjoy Axl's Ros's shrillness to a circus-y tune by Slash.

In wider scheme of things failing a test is a d--- "first world problem".A bratty kid like myself has every right/deserves 2b scolded and scorned with scowls of men and women who are a dozen times more powerful then me before replacing me with someone who hardly knows any english from a 3rd world country 2 do work compliently and for some d---- reason actually end up understanding it better then my peanut brain ever can if it's not tempted to sleep at the sound of the stuff.

Why?.Oh b/c pain isn't relative apparently.Apparently the pain I feel with have 2 trudge thru this junk is a puny absolute compared 2 the utter <(｀^´)> "magnificence" of the pain of having 2 live thru a dreary famine prone war-zone which is "oh so noble a thing" 2 have 2 endure that it has to be mitigated by kicking me out for someone else to listen 2 someone's unabashed monologue.It's like b/c some pains are so much more severe then others it doesn't allow us to get proper retribution or even mention the d--- thing and therefore leaves us repressed and simmering in the s--- b/c of this life rule that doesn't allow it to lift it's head above the surface.

So much for trying to impress a teacher I failed once already.Maybe when/as I'm writing things I'll realize new things about the things I'm writing about at the same flippin time.Will this topic end 4 tonight?.

Oh yeah I forgot 2 mention.I remember how last semester a teacher a said "if you want to know how to color in a cheat sheet ask [me].He'll teach you how to color one in".I at least felt like everyone was gazing at me,heads turned for a moment while I pretended to act clueless in my silence (a usual tactic of mine).It was a references to how (note a few weeks before) for a mid-term test we were allowed to make a cheat sheet and all I really did besides the bits I cut and paste from the notes on my own was copy down *everything* ad verbatim (which he kept on discouraging but "meh" to that I thought).This tells me that the cheat sheet was worthy of memory and enraging to him even after all those weeks.

And this makes me worry about something else.At some point when u get good at something life obligates you (yes I know I dont have to believe everything I hear said but my mind cant figure a way out of it right now anyways) to "teach"."Teaching".One of the highest intellectual functions a human being can do.Yes,when you get plump with smartness it's time 2 pay up 4 the knowledge you've accumulated apparently with having to teach ppl.Yes,despite being a lousy explainer.Despite not being a ppl person.Despite it being a thankless job were dozens will form opinions of you bad and worse as prescribed in the job description of being a student.

I cant teach.I am a LOUSY explainer.To me just learning is such an experential thing that it takes a d--- load of enery exerted to maintain and keep the stuff ***JUST TO MYSELF**.Let's not now mention how it would be like to properly dissipitate that knowledge out of my brain in the right amounts,at the right flow rate,at the right places etc 4 a crowd of students who will not only be listening to me but (for better or for worse) I'll have to explain some more agian (maybe till I go numb) and answer their questions.Yes if that were to happen apparently it would be retribution time for life for me having almost always being on the end as the questioner in the dialogue.

Something I notice.A lot of the stuff I do to get by like changing the looks of the font,colors,highlighting etc is stuff more attuned with graphic design ppl which is something (I felt there and) I'm likely to get derided from a bunch of pure programming guys who'd wipe the floor with me any day of the week with a "off the top of my head" question that ( ; `_`)> "*they*" can pose.I'd like to switch out if I could yet again (yet definately not with the same urgency as biotech) but I cant if I wanted b/c

(a) ppl are getting intolerant of my finickiness.It's just me a guy who's thrice as slow and takes thrice as long as everyone else to learn stuff enuff for it 2b clear yet alone understand and have things better for him.

and

(b)OSAP will screw me over by cutting me off from it for a year.D---- and all the curses of the world (non-supernatural kid of course) to the indentured servitude ("new" kind that this) that mf-ing OSAP puts ppl thru.D--- you new debt bondage.You b--- about ppl not growing up fast enuff,you nag 4 more pros yet u spring this trap on everyone only making us only more greedy money minded sacks of vice you hypocritical piece of a SOB wad -_-.

[`-` "Oh yeah there's also the emotional stress of being in school for so many d--- years,yer measly hardly "real" co-op experience deprecating by the second and imagine the embaressement of having to say your in your late 20's and haven't ever really worked a day in your life when your not some high end like science theoretician making a gigantic contribution and payroll enuff 2 justify them not having worked"]

Oh don't you worry folks.Always keep in mind esp.on my more stronger angry feelings that a good chunk of this stuff is dang well prone 2 my subjectivity and not fact based that much so

^_^ d .

And yes I am "vain" enuff I suppose 2 know if there are any famous ppl of some sort (philosophers,actors,writers etc) who have a writing style similar 2 mine so I can read up ppl's criticism on them even if it isn't good for my mental health to have another notion mix me up and possibly change my personality.And boy would I be peeved off if after all this time this wasn't submitted >8( .