For the past few hours, I’ve been wondering around the internet looking at stuff which is unsettling-ish, in an ‘extreme crime’ sort of way, which makes for ‘lurid’ stories and the sort of thing I usually don’t find it appealing to look into.

‘Slenderman inspired’ crimes, looking at character sheets on tvtropes about the TV series and literary versions of Hannibal Lector , thought briefly about comparisions of him to Dracula or the Wendigo and was looking at a page about gothic horror.

You can be assured that while doing, ‘flash memories’ of dip-cheese persons who’ve had unwitting influences on my life flashed through my mind and that even as I’m typing this right now the voice of Anthony Hopkins is ‘sounding off’ as my conscience/ resolve and won’t settle down unless I say imagine the voices of Gunter Grass of Phillip Seymour Hoffman as a Günther Bachmann saying stuff in Spanish..having just typed that I feel like looking up John LeCarre stuff but I won’t, and I’ll kind of get to why..

[imo:I feel inclined to call intrusive thoughts ‘visual schnizophrenia’; I had some substantially horrifying ones over the summer season—an expert suggested a book to me to work through, I took it out from a library and it is comforting to know it is around even though I’ve been reading a book about Rafael Cadenas literary work instead; I find it less appealing to work through the recommended book when the personal connotations of an accounting and Microsoft word class hover over me like creatures colored to look like ]..

On one of the character sheets for Hannibal, I saw tvtrope called ‘friendless background’ and it led me to a cracked article http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html where lines like this..

“Annoyance is something you build up a tolerance to, like alcohol or a bad smell. The more we're able to edit the annoyance out of our lives, the less we're able to handle it…The problem is that peacefully dealing with incompatible people is crucial to living in a society. In fact, if you think about it, peacefully dealing with people you can't stand is society. Just people with opposite tastes and conflicting personalities sharing space and cooperating, often through gritted teeth.”

Which reminded me of a former crush who used that word (annoying) unhesitantly and glibby on me and whose personal disappointment to not respond to me on various question after a several year absence is one reason, I was seeing someone over the summer regarding instrusive thoughts. I’m thankful for her, for having looked at this blog somewhat.

I can look up stuff about John LeCarre, but it mainly seems appealing to me right now b/c of me thinking about how irl/'the meat space' he was an actual spy of sorts, and I'm (morbidly(?)) curious how by how such possible ~'quasi-isolationism' was justified by the line of work.
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I do this b/c I realize how I have making excuses for myself to not do homework. My accounting mark is ~’fairly’ secured after having done online stuff and a test. This Wednesday is a test on *1* chapter and I’m anxious for not having msg’d the instructor yet on content, I don’t understand and me thinking that I might ‘fail her’ or let her down that way.In addition is the annoyance of having to arrive in class by 8 a.m. b/c of how my ‘barely passing’ marks in the MS Word class have compelled me to do this…

…I feel like I’ve been put in a spot where it’s more about risk management than learning. I’ll admit how I do practice ‘the sacrament of Confession’ in spite of being /ranging from an agnostic to (*emphasis on the adjective*) ‘functional’ atheist.

I will admit how the resentment within the complicated relationship I have with Catholicism is due mainly in part to the deeply unpleasant math teachers I came across , the seemingly ‘ontic’ injustice of a poser teacher being on staff for the past few years of a community college I’ve been going to and how I don’t know anymore if the thing I have meant to engage b/c of it having been the root of so much anxiety for me for so many years now (the MCR3U1 math credit and it having been deeply personalized after the stupidity of how difficult ppl at the first high school I went to made it for me) is being done more out finally carrying out a vendetta which I know might result in a sort of ‘emptiness’ even though it won’t likely harm anyone except for myself even w/my knowledge of how Eastern though engages with nihilism or whether to consider it still merely an innocuous (but dang significantly uneasy) ‘I wonder if this [doing this; attaining the math credit before my student life wraps up for me] will work for me?’ attempt.

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I recognize now my deep seated resentment for instituitions, something so ‘out of our circle of control’ very often and yet so very impactful on the well-being of others; d--- the attitudes of complacency to the self-exhausting sollipismo of consumeristic priorities and organizational hierarchies/ ‘social climbing’. I recognize how it’s not always helpful to ponder/self-debate theological and/or philosophical quandaries (like pondering on free will,determinism and compatibilism) with myself but also how me ‘being in control’ scares me.

Not only b/c of how the ‘moral connotation’ it has of being an inconsiderate,exploitative, callous, ‘might makes right’, rude, disrespectful jacka--- like several ppl I have come across has to me and what it means to me as far as the concept of ‘manipulation’ goes but b/c I’m afraid of what ‘self’ is ‘driving the control’.

‘Following a voice’ which I’ve never been habitualized to?, a scared 5 yr old ‘spectrumite’?..there actually being ‘no voice’ (what w/ my relation to experiential-ity and ‘emptiness’) and me thinking that I would have to go ‘search for analogies’ say among deaf culture to operate and thinking what a difficult life I have, making something like intimacy seem out of the question for me?...how it seems ‘cosmically’ ‘injust’ or ‘unfair’ that I receive what I would like even though I’ve been ‘scared off’ long ago from asking for stuff like expensive cars, expensive vacations relating to ‘ambitious sex’ and even doing actions like *‘volitionally self-induced final changes with non-solitary accomodation’?..but for some aggravating reason I apparently am barely allowed to be a student?;

..so many things I didn’t ask for it, that I’ve seriously pondered that if my parents were so expert like that they could’ve taught me any certifiable high school courses, would I even have been ‘at a loss’ as far as social development goes?, what with the attitudes of the ‘information dispensers’/teachers I came across and the ~salty-ish ppl I had to be among?.

*..’~that last one’, I mean euthanasia…even though there are thoughts on it which I could speak of, I know darn well that it’s not such a ‘nothing or all’ topic in which ‘a spectrum of grey’ doesn’t exist..one reason why I wouldn’t say go around advocating for a ‘camp of thought’, to ‘put it in a nutshell’..

I realize how all this writing content has been procrastination; procrastination for not doing mundane-ish accounting and MS Word homework. I admit that my heart isn’t really in it but I’m 25 yrs old still haven’t really ever worked and am still in school and even in this last year it is factoring aggravating how much of a ‘tightrope walk’ doing schoolwork can be when there is a tantallizaing ‘light at the end’—a ‘freedom’ which I should see not so much as a ‘beam of light’ which will move my shiftless-ish ‘self’ into a healthier and guiltlessly satisfying place but more like a door to a dark landscape where I can’t see stuff but I go in, however ‘uncharted’ it might be with the ‘hope’/’waiting’ that what is within there will be even more authentic then what I previously experienced..I admit to having been influenced by ‘Nerdwriter1’’s video on ‘The Truman show’ there.
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I can go on a further tangent w/ my non-instituitional and anti-instituitional sentiments, I can go on a further tangent saying how afraid I am of using certain words like ‘right’ or ‘get it right’ b/c of how it reminds me of certain ppl who’ve contributed to the unfavorable moral connotations I see with the word ‘control’, I can go on about my issues with self-kindness and how guilt will very often compel me to feeling ‘undeserving’ b/c (admittedly ‘religiously influenced’ notion here) if I am ‘kind to myself’ it will be considered ‘indulgence’ and ‘a sin’, arbitrarily to me but apparently not to some aggravating to understand deity who has hamartiologists on who imo need to do some seriously involved cross-analyzing with the latest neuro-psych stuff on anxiety and actually making it assured that it is brought up to and understood by ‘dispensers’ of spiritual-ish content in spite of intragroup instituitional-ish ‘agendas’ instead of relying on (somewhat dated(?)) models of arguementation.

I can go on a tangent about what I think about the nature of volition, I can go on a tangent about how I think that ‘belonging’ comes off as inauthentic to me someone who’s comfortable w/how sensible ‘everything is temporary’ comes off to me as, I can go on a tangent on how it might reflect my issues with intimacy and not knowing what my family means to me, in particular my dad who I’m not too fond of and somewhat repulsed not only by thinking that I’ll become like him but baring his unpleasant-ish attitude. I can go on a tangent to how it ultimately (due in no part to a major socialization issue) ‘boils down’ to what belonging, respect and responsibility mean to me and my fears of it and disappointment and a fear of not being able to provide.

I can go on a tangent of how even if I ‘reach’ something on ‘ideal’ combination of a personal theory of freedom, love and maybe even consciousness, which could ‘serve’ to define non-being and being for me and how deeply afraid I would become of ‘letting down’ that ‘ideal’ and/or vice-versa.
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I can stop now, maybe shower, maybe eat a bit and do homework with an effort. ~3:15 p.m. EST, Hamilton, Ontario.

I want attention d--- it. I'll admit it and I won't 'give in' to pornography for something like that, ever again.
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Key words:Afraid to use certain words, apathy, fear, procrastination, angst, disappointment, impatience, ridicule etc,etc,etc.