-I was enraged during an argument with my sister and mom after my sister suggested that I might benefit from dressing better.My eyes rolled and I said that I'll dress better when I learn/read up on making a fashion sense ^1.

I get snappy soon with my sister ^2 and make a remark that what with how she (and by extnesion they) pay way more attention to the ugliness,loudness of my voice and the ugliness of my aggresive facial language and gestures ^3 and started saying how the whole f---n world is so f---n taken away by godd--- first impressions,which in my life has made and broken my chances for rapports…none of them seem to readily able to get f---n beyond the ugliness of my voice and angry face and KNOW THAT THE MORE IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT *I’M SAYING* and can they plz back up there retorts.

They all start talking about "it's so you can attract the one [girl]" which coming from the mouth of someone in the "trendyland fortress" like my sister is in her final weeks there just affirms the opinion I have on teens and young adults being conformists a---holes who are the most treasured pocket of society and consumerism....why the h--- do they feel so strongly to "play the card" of "your never going to have a girlfriend with that attitude" when if I gave into my much more cruel inclinations I'd hound them and run them down with talking into tears with stuff about their identities ^4 .I say something out loud and my friggin sister ACTUALLY ASKS me to repeat it wondering what it was.

WHAT A F-----N RARITY FOR HER TO SAY THAT http://youtu.be/a1TyWS0-r1Q
I say some stuff,she’s says something different.See what I did there?.For all her knowledge on psych I essentially did something analogous to “a fox making hunting dogs lose it’s trail by swimming tru a stream so it can lose it’s scent”.I *KNOW* she’s too d--- smug to follow and keep on having an earnest interest in what her loser older brother is thinking^5.
Caution note to anyone who’d like to have a somewhat “tight”/close relationship with me:for now;if you have a point to bring up in a talk you d--- better be ready to back it up once I’m angry-yet another thing I wanna change this year ‘_’,truculent attitudes of this sort ^6 .
I steam off upstairs playing computer chess before calming down enough to play a tic-tac-toe like game called “.S.O.S” with my sister.I go to Mass and in hindsight I feel bad for how even after going to Church outta all things,I talk to my mom about how I’m still angry b/c of the talk on fashion earlier,how f---n near impossible it is to get my sister’s affirmation ^7.

By the way one f---n thing that shows the annoying a—language barrier is how my mom couldn’t understand that when I spoke of going to a gym for 6 hrs a day for a month whilst eating regularly and coming out “buff” enough that they’d lay off the my lack of bufness IT’S A HYPOTHETICAL SCENERIO/QUESTION .YES -_- mom ,I know that I cant do that anytime soon b/c of school (hence why I said “what if” it was done in a summer month) and mom I REALLY doubt that anyone would call social workers in b/c they find it unusual for a guy to be there for +6 hrs…..-_- …the whole godd--- Western physical culture scene of young men in the weights section for hours on end thrives/continues to exist prob.b/c of such an image.I have an easy inclination to f---n one-track/borderline extremist mentality (maybe truly in part b/c of Aspergers `_` ) that would make such a thing possible,all logistical arrangments made and with the possibility available for my convience.

I was crude enuff to retort how I don’t waste my time commenting on her and my sister’s weight ^8 so plz don’t do talk about my lack of buffness b/c that’s what I often feel from her.I might be “very slim” but for the most part I’m WAY more comfortable in the body I have now MUCH MORE than when I was a pudgy 9 yrs old with a limp and even less self-esteem or when I nearly destroyed myself by the end of August ’07 at 16 when I ran to an unhealthy level of emaciation.I may be slim but I have a baseline foundation body ready for add-ons like reflexes,flexibility and the buffness and strength so conventionally espoused by society and my family ^9 .

I don’t want to be a moving sculpture.Big muscles and strength are fine and dandy but that ain’t my thing.I respect anyone who’s more into that but I’m not.Cardio is badly underrated which is a shame when it’s so easy to do with more fun activities like sports than the slow and heavy tediousness I feel like I gotta put up with,with weights ^10,and for me MUCH more easy AND fun to train in than strength is.

There’s an interesting tvtropes page that explains the archetypes of video game character stats like a strong but low speed character,powerful characters who can’t take being on the receiving end,fast characters who can’t take much,hi-sturdiness but not a good disher-out etc
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CompetitiveBalance
a powerfully strong person who’s low on mobility is a “mighty glacier” (think Mariusz Pudzianzowski).

I have feeling that we all told when in comes to fitness to be a “jack-of-all-trades” in physical qualities though what we WANT to be is a “jack-of-ALL-stats [ie. physical qualities]”.Perhaps I may only realistically ever achieve “jack-of-all-trades” even though I ‘d be awesome to be a “jack of all stats”.In my little fantasy of wanting to be a martial artists “lightning bruiser” (fast,strong and sturdy) is where it’s at (sounds close to jack-of-all-stats to me `_`) for example.

Inspired/spurred by such fancies that may never transpire irl I’d like to mostly toned-as-heck but NOT in the more aesthetic “cute and really cut beach or party boy” way b/c even then I have feeling that such guys are more into strength if not just bodybuilding already.First it’s flexibility,then speed with relfexes and then strength.”Body-form production” is only a queartnerary effect to me,though for my family to “lay off my back” when it comes to it I might have concentrate on that sooner than later -_- .It’s b/c I want to be [in a “heroic voice” ^_^ ] ELASTIC STEEL as seen when moving.

And now this weakling goes into the wee-hours of the night for what is hopefully the last time b4 school on Monday .

^1 It's why I reserved "Isms: Understanding Fashion" by Mairi MacKenzie.A book I took out months ago but didn't get to reading.

A look at the history of (Western) fashion+a few approaches from art+ some observational time= me becoming a moderately good selector of clothes style in despite of being a cheapa--- via having actually tried to make a comprehensive worldview on what clothes means.

^2 So soon after she just finished

^3 They say I should look at myself in a mirror but to be frank not only do I have "a feel" for what my face produces at least 1/3 of the time ( IT *IS* reflexes changing the position and look of organs of the biggest senesory center on my body after -_- for s--- sake..) but to be honest with you I don't have much of an issue..maybe it's more b/c there family and after 22 f----ng years I'd expect them to not be carried away by my craggy a--- face b/c it ought to be expected by now -_- but also if I were to get to that state with strangers* aside from a "lower your voice" they'd at least still be willing (maybe more reluctantly though) to continue on chatting with me which is when IT IS VERY likely that the hot steam inside me will let out steadily..

also on a "less nice" note..I find it.."effective"..when ppl get shocked by seeing me angry b/c it cheeses the s--- out of me when they go on for too long thinking I'm "naive" and they can disparage me continually b/c they can d--- well see I can VERY much be scary a/o unpleasant I can be.

*the topics might be more likely 2b reached sooner than with strangers than my family b/c I'm not expecting similar brusque rudeness from my brother,my dad's (no disrespect *to him* ) c---piness as a conversationalist,my sister's conventional shallow complacency and the c---y language barrier with my mom when conversation extends beyond domestic things like what's there to eat (something my sister and mom realized and spoke out loud about today-- welcome to my world I though -_- )

^4 ...I fear that I could *hypothetically* be like that with my mom.. a part of me can potentially lash out at everything b/c in me is a "nothing is sacred attitude".NOT in the sense of some anti-religious a---hole ridiculing religion (I detest that) but it's the ability to sternly and relentlessly with vindication and a vibe of deontology,of following a "law" or notion that it must be done for the sake of the rule itself.The rule itself of questioning everything with emotion charge or not,b/c you want to show the c---y world that it wont get away with having offended you,taken you so lightly or having one it's halfa--- invisible rules pressed on you...doing so even to point of going beyond moral limits and sanity with insistent questioning as retribution <--- I can see how such an attitude can unfortunately be “refitted” by those antagonistic to the notions of spirituality a/o religion .PLEASE keep in my mind such a mentality is something I said b4 the New Year I’d like to be changed with a resolution

^5 Had it been the socially active a la party hearty,conventionalist,trendy ,established,early 20’s socialite wannabe cousin Perla or someone similar from her circle,were I a gambling man I’d bet $30 her conversing would be more plesant and she’d actually f--- back-up what she says

^6 Maybe it has to do with the saying “nature abhors a vacuum” but my aggression sometimes goes/seeps into my chatting.Haven’t really had the outlet of a gym lately for one thing.

^7 It’s important to me b/c to me she’s a prime example of an accomplished,sociable,trendy run-of-the-mill early 20-something girl who’s nominally “normal” ( -_- whatever the f---- that means) and to get her approval would mean more favorability with the other side of

^8 ._. Yes I went there and feel pretty bad for it

^9 It’s particulary buffness.My mom *claims -_-* that my strength is okay in spite of my seeming shape but the aggravatingly annoying struggle to do push-ups and a 15 lb metal dumbbell and do regular strength exercises with my cardio-hating but strength-training lovin brother (my opposite thataway) I beg to differ on how strong I am.My dad did a bit of power-lifting in his 20’s which got him thru the contruction work he did till his late 30-ish when health problems like big knee problems b/c of winter’s affects wrecked him to the struggling point he’s in now.I wonder were I ever to have to do blue-collar work if I’d survive when I can’t do f---n regular strength and weight exercises…d----- '~' no wonder so many young-guys are into weight workouts aside from the bodybuilder wannabe aspirations.

^10 It’s a bit ironic how guys so into having lively social live are into the slow and heavy tediousness of weights which I’m to restless and easily annoyed by to stick with.