Two days before my mom's birthday during the last day's of January, I was reading a certain book (Paul Tilich's "Courage to be") and with so much mention of elucidation of how courage is a (to keep things short) "special" kind of self-affirmation, I decided to do an action.

When I've seen ppl from the first high school I went to I avert them,thinking of them as something like tormenting ghosts from a time when I went thru a sham-farce in my teenage-hood. <tempted to "tangent-ize" here> One such person who here now was a girl who I liked in the first high school.

..<here lies a conflict in my mind...which points to say etc?..>

Even though she's been here for a semester now while she was in a line up at pizza place, I used a certain song lyric as a "warm up" to be able to greet her. After I went to the gym and during said time was an emotional rush always bringing me to tears which I was trying to convert to exercise. I talked to someone after. Recently I spoke to someone last Monday (my brother's birthday) about this as well.

Factor,man do I have some baggage from "that era". I mean for factor's sake, I hadn't seen her since ~June '07,having sent a final e-mail to her about how I actually failed the Ontario literacy test the first time around b/c I was distracted by her being near me and disclosing my feelings to her around her birthday no less.

<painful point---the factoring fearfulness of trying to get the MCR3U1* math credit I so badly craved>

One of my friends was helping me and out of desperation I went to ask the arrogant and talented male friend of her, to whom she was something of an "entourage" member too.

<here I feel it's better to leave out details describing this>

There are few things that sharply s---k in this life as when your put in a position where you need help so badly as something that you are compelled to go to someone who not only you don't like but whom you have a feeling has some unpleasant points in their personality which they'd selectively reveal when for some reason they say or do particularly offending things to you, a "weaker" person.

point: still being so factoring far off from passing a class,~20% off, knowledge which you've accumulated over ~2 yrs,3/4 of those classes with some unpleasant teachers who have no f----g idea what this means to you,going down the drain. A line of "tell me...or else I won't help you with your math" from a smart harasser. It's like a hostage situation,except the hostage is the info and explanation you need to get through a class.

On my way out of the library, a place so public,near the end of the month you walk away hoping someone else will help you,he asks "aww,what are you thinking suicidal thoughts?".

<>_< ;_; >8I ...lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity,lividity>

SMUG F---- D8< !!!.

THE F---G NERVE THAT YOUR SUCH A "LOSER" THAT SOMEONE WOULD THROW THAT OUT SO CASUALLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE >~<
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClXJY53rV8E <--the feeling of wanting to gtfo of the first high school
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I wonder if this now woman with some developments from the brash,spotenously impulsive, impatient but somehow astoundingly dilligent girl in spite of a conformist personality, possibly a bit "self-centered" in a manner of speaking still hangs out with him .__.

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The first person to have spurred me to take initiative towards something called a relationship,which I was "expecting" to do at that age. Even among the more "hormonally charged" mentality back then. Occasionely a harraser to me, some might even say bully (occasions pop to mind). But the admittance of having a smal crush on me in g.9..esp.considering *where* it was she said that..means something to me.

A milestone. Being drawn out of yourself enough to follow a craving for affirmation via someone else--one way of describing what a relationship is. Passionate make-out fantasy somewhere there.

Though I now know it was urequited in a lot of ways. I persisted b/c..old line about "always sticking to someone you try to have like you"?.

A factoring point in my mind that I'd snap if she'd treat me the same way 16 yr old me was treated.
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Enter the second high school. There are some convolutions but it's a comparative refuge. Enter a discovery sometime soon after. Enter years of bumbling and thoughts.
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My attempt to click with my sister's friend, her, means more to me b/c I had more dialogue and disclosure in a handful of months then I did in ~2 yrs .

I remember telling my sister how even though she's bothered by this like "the ship of Theseus" kind of paradox in life as to whether your the real the same person you were nearly a decade ago when nearly every cell in your body (even the brain ?--there's a Vsauce video which comes to my mind here) and how even though she's bothered by that,while I've occasionely pondered on that while not coming a value-judgement of good or bad, considering the encounter I made the week before-ish I actually find that idea (while not being a "pass card" for being exempted from the responsibility of my past actions of course) liberating.

The person who liked her,the pre-Obama era version of me is not the same as the current verison of me. I am stronger.
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* While I never did recieve the MCR3U1 class , (skipping a lot of details), I've done math work throughout college which is comparable to it. Strange thing though ,how I factor up as soon as there is mention of functions. F(x) <--you would think that "I am fine at math if I function well while solving functions" but >_< factor man!, that feature is "deal-breaker" which isn't even always around in a fair amount of the algebra I got by,the discrete math I did or the stats I've seen!.

There's a thought inside of me saying that if I say decide to sit done and work through such problems one day, in my mind will be a stream of current of voices who said negative things of me doing it. Factor them though. I'm not pre-2010 version of me and I now how much of a factoring sham it is to produce that elitist vibe in high school of young "ace students" who are the only one's who can get thru hefty math and science classes when ppl approaching middle age do the same work here without the heckling garbage of "your not good enough to do this" which I got when I was teenager.
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I got mid-terms tests this week which worry me.
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There's a Kendrick Lamar song (where he's with someone else) which I wish I knew, to play it at anxiety inducing instances. He's say's "click" in it and I think it's with someone else (Drake?). Whatever,this'll do https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcMeWVmywns ,if only b/c "Let it go" doesn't fully suit the mood in all it's lyrics.

Correction: ~June '08.