I admit I am afraid of many things.

I'm afraid that the stuff from last year is expected to be instinct for the second year and I'm going to get my backside handed to me b/c of that.

I'm afraid that, that'll be enough to drive me out. I'm afraid of being ignored by a former crush even though I can >_< =_= SSSOOO explain what went on back then.

I'm afraid that it'll be a friggin repeat of "Your weird. I'm going to ignore/avoid you",even though I'd only like to talk *with* her =_= .

I'm afraid of the workload. I'm afraid of the process of actually looking for a job.

I'm afraid of the courses related to looking for a job.

I'm afraid of not being able to pull off what is taught in class 'on my own' in the big wide work world.

I'm afraid of seeing ppl I don't like again.

I'm afraid I still don't have a good grasp of my own volition

I'm afraid of my brothering 'succeeding' at something like driving and hence making me feel even more like I was yet again 'surpassed' by a younger sibling, further highlighting what a developmental lag I am

I'm afraid of having to be socially active with my classmates to do/get thru schoolwork

I'm afraid that they'll mostly see me as a case of "when he asks, he wants something/is seeking to extract info", in yet another case where the pragmatism of having to 'network' to function by working w/others takes precedence over more authentic no pretext companionship. Such an aspect of me which I hate >_< =_=

I'm afraid of having my lie interfered with.

I'm afraid of not coming across work.

I'm afraid of not coming across work b/c I don't happen to have a trendy 'eportfolio' nicely set -up.

I'm afraid o *my* future frankly.

I'm afraid that something 'big' is going to happen b/c it seems like a 'real deal' functional ending to my schooling which'll entail a major confrontational engagement/struggle with reality. See, as much as I love info and knowledge, 'school' esp. in it's institutional form has been kind of a butt-pain and I've realized kind of recently how I've made my life a personal heck with the kind of angts,anxious approach I've had to it for a significant portion of my life.

And in a sense I'm afraid that 'the real terror' of what has been mainly generated in my mind as a personal heck were everything is difficult b/c nothing wants me to function is actually going to manifest itself "for realises" this time.

I'm afraid of becoming like other ppl who I don't like ,including like that brash-ish ex-crush, just b/c I use the same words like them.

I'm afraid of my sister leving for work,in a way.

I'm afraid of getting thru school for that dreary a--- season known as winter.

Maybe one reason I'm so into human and mind centric fields is b/c it can even help me 'think like' others--it means a lot more to a person who's reputed lack of mirror neurons makes empathy a challenge (=-= not that nueronormatives 'have it on lock').

" I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is. "

I'm just listening to her cover one of her songs in English now (11:07 p.m.) but "A heart so warm and so tender" by Janette Anne Dimech/"Jeanette" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cazzEQD6XY (it's the English version of "Corazón de poeta"/Heart of a poet).

I became interested in Jeanette after seeing my mom Youtube in old songs a week or so ago, and there's something about having listened to Jeanette's songs in Spanish..the *lyrics* at least are so melancholy-ish that part of me feels like saying "she the Hispanophonic Lana Del Rey" from the decades ago but Jeanette has a "girlishness" in how high pitched but lullaby like (at least to me) the songs sound like (*in Spanish), a difference from the deep operatic-ish Nancy Sinatra-ish voice Lana pulls off.

And dang it =_= , I'll admit it, from the thumbnails I've seen I do find Jeanette attractive. Green eyes and a someone Spanish speaking stick out in my mind but I know how I can "ruin things "^~^ ",the image if I see her at her current age

* there's something VERy 70's-ish about the voice, and I don't think it was just like the recording quality during those days

....

Ah,seems like age is something which has been gracefully engaged with

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9E3XLPuHHQ her singing "porque te vas"/"why do you go" in '13

It's by the "School of life's" youtube channel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2IJ43ppd0
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I like this video a lot! `u`. Aside from how a lot of the stuff brought up here is mainly looking at the development of love (and marriage) in Western history--

The point about how "here are different ways of arranging relationships depending on water given society happens to believe in love is", is very keen in explaining how it's a cultural construct as is saying how we're at the early stages of it's 'evolution' .

- I like how de Botton brought up how the priorities of arranged marriages which was practiced since ancient times might've "created a collective trauma we're still in flight from". `_` Though I wonder how the phenomena often panned out from a "bottom-up" approach btw non-elite ppl like farmers instead of the accounts of how it was for ppl who had an impact on life in a "top-down" way like royalty.Imo I think that's more important and understated.

-Neat bringing up how Troubadours were concerned with the infatuation/"crush" side of love and not even sex. It's intensity coming in part from the lack "living irl" w/a loved one is noteworthy.

-Interesting bringing up Jeanne Antoinette Poisson as someone who's was accepted in a non-monogamous relationship, even if it stemmed from how the the seeming incompatability of marriage and love (a passionate one it seems for drama,excitement and sex) was enough to make someone arrange a publicly known divergence of the two

-Bringing up John Lambert and Harriet, I can see how the notion of how marriage being a consequence of love which is even able to put aside the 'practical' considerations/ normative priorities of a marriage is only a bit +200 years. Also I can see how the "feeling over reason,impulse over tradition" theme of Romanticism the literary movement influences the concept of marriage and why the idea of eloping is a thing in stories of how couples meet as is how it can be possibly be done on "the spur of the moment" instead of given serious consideration (which is "uncool" it seems b/c apparently ppl who already married for those reasons or others are lousy at advising about it "" ^u^ )

-the paradigm shift in love being understood as an *enthusiasm* instead of a *skill*..`u` oh wow,the implications that has..

-Interesting how it was Jane Austen who said how a woman should love the man one is engaged to and de Botton's saying she thought not too many ppl are actually "suited" for marriage resonates with me tbh "^_^ . I like how she brings up,how you need "*managerial* competence" (which is asking for a different thing than when than when your say an elite and money,property and connections might be "taken care of" by servants and such; the managerial aspect is nicely brought up at 3:18 in this video imo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eparlp-8uVo )

-Charles Darwin establishing how humans are descended from apes and how it implies, how trying to pull off ideally fufilling relationships is already going to be a difficult feat given the not to encouraging biological base. Admitting that maybe leaning towards being polygamous,into opportunistic sex and being into another for unlofty reasons like physical attributes has a basis *at least on a BIOLOGICAL level* is good to know

-The rejection of romantic love with Jefferson Poland for an imagined enlightened state of pristinity where 'free love' is the norm; something which I notice is often ignored in takes like that, on how love "could be" like is "..how are going to/how conducive is this to raising children?"

-Interesting in the 2015 example how a cited reason for divorce is "initial expectations" weren't meet" and in the video it's that the promises of 1960's perspective "free love" and 19th century Romanticism...

[ Continued ]