sometimes i worry i might lose contact with reality. my biggest fear is going insane. these last days i've been feeling more and more that i'm not living in the real world. i'm using hookup apps too much even though i'm not that interested and today while i was driving i had this sensation i wasn't really there. i put on some music and started singing to bring my attention to something in the immediate reality, but then i stopped singing and dangerously crossed a red light without knowing. i'm not feeling any pleasure in singing anymore. nothing gives me pleasure anymore. sex catches my interest but it doesn't last. i'm responding to guys i don't feel attracted to and will probably end up having sex with one of them. i've been having some very degrading fantasies with no desire to actually make them true. i can't really describe the way i feel due to the fact that it all seems very unreal. after i crossed the red light i began worrying about how it would be if i went insane, the things people would say about me and the fact that people would probably say my abuse wasn't real because i'm crazy. i'm starting to think i really need psychiatric medicine. my therapist said she would text me some contacts from psychiatrists but she hasn't. i'll ask her again. i find it absolutely disturbing how my "sexual me" keeps functioning even though all the other parts of me stop. it's like it works on it's own. i don't know what this blog entry is about. the anxiety of waiting for something that gives my life sense is that for which i spend every breathing minute.

more and more i notice that what triggers me into checking out my hookup app messages and looking for porn online is this huge, desperating feeling that i don't know what else to do. today i had that feeling and even though i was not aroused i started looking for porn online. my hookup app is ALWAYS open and i'm checking it constantly, or i feel sucked into this meaningless void as if nothing else can give my life any meaning. i am usually fine when i'm with other doing things, but once i'm alone that feeling striked and it's almost like i HAVE to masturbate or hook up, as if nothing else were handed out to me as an option. i know that in reality i have a lot os options - hell, i've not been doing anything that i wanted to/ should and that makes me very upset, as if life is slipping through my fingers. i will talk to my therapist tomorrow about a psychiatrist i can go to. i've always looked down on medication as if it was an "easy solution" - what a dumbass i am, right? the fact is that now medication is the only thing in which i see a possibility of cure for me.

i went over to this guy's place and he was into bdsm and stuff. i've always been really curious about it so i told him i'd go but we wouldn't necessarily have sex. he was super nice and educated, a real gentlemen. at one momen we were lying naked together and i realized i really liked that, but didn't want to have sex. he was ok with it and i went home without us having sex all the way (i let him do some stuff just to see how it went). i'm doing some thinking and although i do like being affectionate with guys and not having sex with them, i also feel that when i'm being affectionate with a stranger it doesn't feel legitimate (and it's not, indeed, since we are nothing more than strangers to each other), but that really answers something from the question "why do i continuously hook up with strangers if it makes me feel so bad?". it satisfies me in a way, but not completely, and it's not in a sexual way because sexual pleasure is not the core of the addiction. i kept looking for a sex partner after that because i wasn't really satisfied, but i wonder if there is anything that can make me satisfied. i think i'm going to a psychiatrist soon and see if there is something that can be done apart from therapy. it's time for me to give up, i can't do it alone. i need some medication.

last year i almost had a boyfriend. we had a complicated relationship and he didn't really understand or care about my issues relating to abuse and sex. i didn't really like the things he said in general and he spoke way too much. he was really narcissistic and arrogant (so am i, but 2 people like that cant get along). but he was really madly in love with me. i really miss his devotion and affection (and the great sex we had) even though i don't miss the rest of it at all. sometimes, like now, i begin thinking of him and about trying once more. but the truth is, even if i managed to convince myself that i love him, i just love the things he gave me. this is so selfish of me. even when we were together, i was with a man who loved me even though i didn't love him back, feeding on his affection. i feel really tempted on calling him again, even if that would only make him suffer in exchange for a couple moments of my pleasure. i can't let myself do this. he told me that for more than 10 years he hadn't fallen in love for anyone except for me. yet i want to take this human being and use for sex. i guess that's what they mean when they say sadism and masochism are two sides of the same thing. even though i'm often used by others, i have a talent for using them myself. my life would be so much better if i could just exclude sex from it.

after the last guy i wrote about i had a moment of sobriety and went back to the hook up app. i did receive some proposals but didn't meet anyone. i went looking for it the whole time, but all the people who wanted to hook up with me honestly made me want to throw up. not because they were ugly or anything, just the thought of hooking up with a stranger made me feel like that. i really attempted to genuinely feel attracted for someone (since my urge to be on the app was so huge) and almost went out with this bdsm submissive guy. then the guy from the previous post came to talk to me and i realized he was the one i wanted to meet even though the sex was not good. because he had given me affection. when i realized this i felt such great loneliness and sadness and that turned into an unbearable urge of meeting him again. i went to his place and we had sex. it was not very pleasurable again, and i spent most of the time thinking "i just wish he would stop and lie here with me". i always read that addictions are mainly caused by affection issues, but now i'm experiencing it. at the same time that it's suffering, it's good because i can name what i'm feeling and i am feeling something at least.

now, there's this female friend that i'm pretty sure is hitting on me. for my luck most people think i have no sexuality (can you believe that? lol) so i can easily walk out of it. i would try if it were another friend, but i've been betrayed by her in the past and i don't think i can trust her anymore. i even think she may be trying to check out if i actually like women. i like her, but this kind of thing really makes me consider whether i want her in my life or not.