since last posting here, many things happened. shortly before my cousin's death, i started having sex with strangers, what led me deeper and deeper into nymphomania. i had sex with a lot of strangers (basically any that would ask) and never felt any pleasure. i became really aroused, but sex never caught up even to masturbation. eventually i caught gonorrhea and went for a long time without sex, then i started it again. it would always drag me as if my free will didn't count anymore. I started going to therapy about a month before my first stranger and it helped me to control it, but what really helped me was my conversion to catholicism. i don't consider myself to be a sex addict anymore, but i still find myself unable to have a relationship with sex in which i don't turn into a slave. i haven't fallen in love for good 3 or 4 years (?) and i don't know if i ever again will. i did have sex with some guys this year, about 1 per month, but it was somewhat more romantic and they weren't (complete) strangers. i also felt little pleasure, however. i still struggle with the fact that fantasizing is much better than real life. i try to live in chastity without abusing it (forcing myself to celibate causes everything to worsen). in almost all cases sex results in me feeling miserable afterwards. i have traveled for the first months of this year and haven't seen my therapist since i came back home because, well, he is too expensive and i don't think he is that good. i cannot find a therapist that i can respect, but i also can't be without therapy. i am no longer afraid that i might lose control. i am afraid that i cannot find happiness. i dont know if i can love a man, i don't feel sexually attracted to women. i don't want to live in celibate forever.