i have been doing a lot of binge watching and pointless internet surfing, which is usually the standard for when i'm not well. it's not like i'm too hooked on it, it's more like a way to pass time. that's what i've been doing with my time, passing it, letting it go away. i've been showering less than would be appropriate (not much less, since i tend to get painful scalp inflammations if my hair gets dirty) and sleeping too much (about 10h a day) and i'm basically staying up all night every day. i wake up after lunch time and miss most of my day. i used to read nice books, finish them real quick, have a lot of fun in reading them. not i just don't grab a book. if i grab one, i might enjoy it, though. haven't been studying or practicing. i really think i have to pull it together and try to do the things i used to even if i don't feel like it, because let's be honest: i also don't feel like wasting my whole life on nothing.

plus, i've been accepted on a study about hypersexual behavior and it requires me to write a daily journal. i'm not sure whether i'll keep writing here, even though i'll still be active on the forums. let's see. i don't really know what the study will be like. i thought about pasting here what i write there, but that would be dumb because it would ruin anonimity (not that i'm not anonymous here). funny thing, the "character" i've created here, i don't use it anywhere else. if anyone googled the nickname i use for my online sex adventures they'd find a lot of $#%^ (although i also remain anonymous there). don't really know if anyone's ever bothered. by the way, i hate my nickname here. it was a cool idea, but a horrible execution.

i also wanted to write about how i hate the way people smell. i'm not talking about sweat or anything, just the actual smell people have. it's so aggressive to my nose and probably the worst part of my sexual encounters with strangers. on the last time i already knew i was going to hate it from the beginning because i could smell the "people scent" right on our first contact.

so, first of all, an update: i think i'll be very soon getting my first real job as a language teacher, i'm back at teaching music and will be back to therapy maybe next week. good. i'm not being very productive nor happy, but i'm getting things done.

a couple days ago a guy from as online sex chat sent me a message on skype at like 5 am asking if i was there because he wanted to talk about something. i wasn't, but i saw it a couple days later and answered him, he answered me and now i just talked to him about what we wanted to tell me. he said that he was just looking for someone to talk to because he had a fight with his parents and couldn't sleep. what the heck makes a person seek emotional comfort on some stranger they never met in person with whom the only established relationship they have revolves around sex?

i've done it myself in the past, and i say that probably means extreme loneliness. on the one side, i really felt sorry for him and just wanted him to come over so i can give him a hug and talk to him. on the other side, i'm 100% sure that if he did we would end up having sex. it's been long since i realised that any emotional involvement i have with men turns into sex. i don't have any emotional involvement with any of my male friends. maybe my addiction comes from a failed attempt at connecting emotionally with other men, which fails because i was abused. it is actually painful that my sexuality always bursts in before my emotions whenever i try to interact with a man - and at the same time, guys i have sex with very frequently tell me they felt something special and really liked me and want to keep in touch (i rarely do, to be honest). i've told so many guys from hook up apps that they have symptoms of sex addiction. why do i give men this impression that they can open up? and why is it so different from the image my true acquaintances have from me - that from a cold-hearted person willing to be rude and tell the harsh truth if necessary? they wouldn't believe me if i told them about the things men say about me, just just men don't believe on the things they say about me.

i am neither, actually. i just struggle to be happy between these masks. i'm like amanda seyfried on fathers and daughters.

yesterday late night i sneaked out to have sex with a guy. not totally stranger, since i'd talked to him for a long time before, but stranger enough. let him do things to me that i knew i hated. i believe i'm dangerously dissociating from my bodily experiences. my mental state remained unaltered before, during and after the sex and always focusing on things that are not there - songs i like, music i've played and reminiscences of past experiences. did not feel pleasure even though i reached orgasm. while i was on top of him after sex i was totally indifferent to his presence and thinking without emotional disturbance "what a shame, maybe i could have spent 2017 entirely without sex". even now i feel nothing towards that experience. indeed, i don't recall feeling any emotions for the past days. i think my feelings shut down after my intense suffering that i blogged about last week. that is why i felt like i was ok even if continuing with sexual behavior usually compulsive. it was compulsive, but didn't feel like it.

have gotten mildly, not very sickly, involved with online sex yesterday. but there was no alteration of my consciente (remained lucid, no sex dreaming state). began to recover some of the joy for life. i'm really looking forward to playing my instrument and reading my books again. will probably do some hard studying today if i can get some sleep (had like 2 1/2 hours of sleep from yesterday to today).

i think that keeping this blog is doing something for me. for the first time in years, i don't even know how many, i have dreamed with my abuser who is now dead.

in real life he was a first cousin of mine, about 8 or 9 years older than me, who abused me when i was 8 or 9. he abused me about 2 or 3 times, no one in my family knows. i distanced myself from him, but at the time everything was confusing for me and i remember having my first erotic dream about behaving very promiscuously to seduce him (imagine that on an 8 year old? disturbing). one time we were at the beach and we had an external shower a little exposed and he said something like "i've seen you naked multiple times, you shouldn't care about that" and another time he said he would give me some things i wanted to buy for free, but that i should keep quiet. these are the only two times he brought the abuse up years after it happened. than in 2014 he died, and it was the happiest day since all my conflict whether i should tell someone that he is an abuser in order to protect the children around him was gone.

today in my dream he was tall, blonde and muscular, and tried to seduce me by showing me his penis. i knew that was absolutely awful, but i still felt attracted to him and went on with it. and i remeber that was by a riverside or something of the like. this is all i remember, but i think it means something huge since it was my first dream featuring him in many years. i think that what he did to me really connects to my later sexual addiction and lack of pleasure in sex, not to mention the repulse i feel for people after i have sex with them. i can't wait for my next session of therapy - the last one was on the beginning of december and then my therapist went on her vacations. i think our next meeting will be on the 24th.