my previous entry hasn't even been approved and i'm already writing a new one. this is something that has happened before, but i don't think it happened with such intensity. i woke up today feeling horrible and depressed and wrote about it. i can't tell exactly when it changed, but it was already dark when i realized i was feeling really happy. it was when i was selecting sheet music to bring to a class with the teacher i said i disliked being around. i got out of the class feeling really happy and excited about when we'll met again and eager to practice and make my best for the next class and thinking about how nice he is to me and how good of a teacher he is. i do still feel uncomfortable around him probably because i don't know him that well and also probably because he's a man, but still, today was awesome. now it's past 3 a.m. and i can't sleep because i'm so happy and i just want to laugh and jump and play music forever! i want to have a perfect technique. i will go to bed now and focus until i fall asleep. i hope i wake up tomorrow feeling half as good as i do now. i notice that i frequently feel like this at night but it very seldom happens during the day. i wonder if this is a thing for other people as well. it bothers me since i can't play music during the night or i'll wake everyone up lol

so, i stopped feeling sick and shaky but i'm still tired all day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed. i could easily stay in bed all day. i am somehow managing to do the things i HAVE to, even though i'm not being exactly productive. i was feeling ok for the last days but today depression hit me. i forced myself to practice music and was able to make some progress, but i couldn't play without stopping all the time to feel awful. all my muscles feel so fatigued right now even though i didn't do any exercise. i have a neverending feeling of needing to stretch.

i've been flirting with a guy from my music school. even though i do not exactly crave sex (i don't even know when i last masturbated, and last time i tried i couldn't bring myself to orgasm) i can't resist to flirting with him. sometimes i wonder if i do that to feel desired. plus this semester i'm taking classes with a new teacher. a male teacher. i haven't left my previous teacher but now i only have 1 lesson per week with her. last time after my class with the new teacher i noticed i was feeling bad and that i didn't like being around him even though he is nice and says great things and i learn a lot from him. i'm pretty sure it's because he's a man. given that i might go live abroad in a year to study with a male teacher, i guess i should solve this. why is it that i just can't stand men in any way that is not sexual?

right after i last wrote i began taking my meds. he gave me 3; 2 i should take regularly and 1 to take when i'm feeling really anxious at night. i took all 3 on the first day because of the whole situation with my mother. half an hour later i was really sleepy and my body felt like i was drunk. i went to bed and slept for 11 hours straight. i woke up at noon and the rest of my day was good, i managed to practice music and didn't get hooked up in a bad way on anything. at night i didn't take the anxiety med (it's the only one with a black label, which it my country means it's an addictive, potentially dangerous substance) and i didn't feel sleepy. today i woke up feeling tired like $#%^, went to sunday mass, felt really weird there (almost like i needed to stretch my muscles all the time and i was also somewhat shaky), then came back home, practised my instrument and now i'm REALLY sleepy even though i didn't sleep so little (i had about 6:30 hours sleep). i'm going to call the psychiatrist tomorrow and ask if this is normal for the first days only or if i'm gonna be like this all the time. good news is, i'm not feeling anxious or depressed. i'm gonna get some sleep now because later i'll be going to the opera

first of all, i'm not answering anyone at the moment because i need to be well enough to do that.

i went again to the psychiatrist today, he gave no diagnosis (he said he doesn't like diagnosing people because it labels them) and gave me a prescription os some pills to take. i don't know their names because i left the prescription at the car where my mother is now and that will be explained later. i also went to a different doctor this time with my mother and we had somewhat of a conflict because the doctor belongs to this alternative approach that believes people's problems are caused mostly by nutritional factors. well, his ASSISTENT who happen a psychologist dared to ######6 tell me i should not take my meds because they will do me harm and that i should talk to this doctor that lives in rio de janeiro (i'm pretty far from there btw) because he could fix my problems with supplements. i couldn't care less about what she said (try spending a week inside my head, bitch), but my mother started really supporting what she said because my mother has this belief that psychiatric pills can do no good and i also think she's in denial about my mental state. i argued with her in front of the doctors and she stopped talking about it. afterwards i told her the assistent had been totaly unethical and about how i can't stand it that she wants to tell me what i should and shouldn't do about my mental health (ever since i told her i wanted to see a psychiatrist the $#%^ hit the fan and she agressively argued against psychiatric treatment and sat on the couch looking sad and worried that i am looking for psychiatric treatment (imagine what would happen if she knew about all the $#%^ i went through). she thought i was being unfair and told me i am an adult and i don't have to do what she says always and i told her to imagine how it is for me to see her like that just because i told her something. that she began crying and talking about how she had been a terrible mother and should have never been born and that all my problems stem from the things she did to me such as behaving like a whore when i was a child (i never told her that but i really thought that even as a very young child. it was a relief to know that she knows the way she behaved and that it was not all in my head). i told her again that most of my problems don't come from things she did (i already told her that a million times but she doesn't believe me). she said that instead of feeling restrained by the way she felt after hearing bad news about my mental health i should stop being so selfish and think about how she felt knowing that her son has psychiatric treatment. she dropped me at home and went out and i don't know where she is. she was really unstable and i'm just hoping she doesn't get into a car crash or something.

i feel really sorry for my mother, but this is why i keep everything i feel for myself ever since i was a very young child. she reacts so strongly to everything and then she has to be taken care of instead of being able to offer support. i don't think i can tell her anything else now. i'm just hoping she will come home unharmed and then i won't talk to her about it anymore. she can't take it, i can't take it. this last week has been mostly ruined for me. there is no one i can honestly talk about this right now and i'm probably just going to binge watch american horror story for the whole night like i've been doing for the entire week. i think i'm addicted to that. i don't know if i'm making any sense

i just read this article on huffpost about psychological issues with gay men and started thinking about my own past - how i was shamed by my brothers because i preferred female characters on video games, and how my mother kept telling me all the time that i should behave more manly - one of the few things i remember thinking a lot about as i was a child - how after that i felt inferior to other people because i was effeminate and became super arrogant and agressive so that no one would dare mess with me. even today i feel as if i'm stuck in a mask i've created a long time ago - that of an evil boy who didn't like anyone and was ready to be really mean at the mere sign of rejection. i did get out of school without being bullied, but at a very high cost. i still wonder whether i'd be gay if i hadn't been sexually abused, but i was never manly even before the abuse took place. my closest group of friend doesn't know i'm gay, nor does anyone from my family. i feel REALLY unhappy about the fact that i'll probably never marry a woman and start a family, but between being a sexually active gay and growing old in celibate i'd still go for the latter. i have no friends i can talk about this with because i'm not that close to any man - let alone another gay man who doesn't have his head so full of politically correctness that he would try and educate me instead of listening.

i deleted my profile in the hookup app 2 days ago and yesterday i installed a game which i was addicted to in a matter of a few hours. i already deleted it today but i still don't know what to do with my free time. i've basically done nothing all day and all i wanted to do was sleep and wake up happy. the only useful thing i'm doing is reading the book i mentioned a couple posts ago, but i still feel this huge anxiety all the time that prevents me from spending too much time in it. good news is that i don't want to have sex with strangers even though i'm depressed. i am feeling sexual desires but they are not compulsive and actually pleasurable (even though i choose not to act on them because i know what that does to me). i still haven't called the psychiatrist because of the holidays but i will definitely do it tomorrow.