a couple years ago i couldn't wait to be alone, so i could read books and paint and watch my favourite shows. now when i'm alone i basically get anxious, can't do any of those things any more, instead i just feel sad and lonely and keep thinking about how much i want friends around me and also a lover. boredom hits me hard, but i can't help it. i basically just get sexually aroused (without actually wanting to do anything about it) and waste all of my free time looking at pointless internet stuff i don't even enjoy. i got rid of my addiction, but it's not like my life is any better. i just got back from traveling, i was on a winter course (i live on the southern hemisphere) and everything there was amazing, i was never bored and i had people around me all the time. i even made out with a boy. the thing is, i didn't feel anything when making out with him, i was pretty much bored and now i just want to escape from him (which is easy, since we live in different states). i keep thinking if there is any way for me to go back to the way i used to be or if this will be it for the rest of my life. i need to get back to therapy ASAP but it's just so hard to find a therapist i can trust. i also don't want to ask my mother for money to pay for it. and how will i be able to look at the therapist's face and tell him that i've become a pervert who exposes himself online? have i not been tainted enough by my abuser? why can't i just be normal?