for the last few weeks i've been having some trouble. i've not been taking my meds correctly and i've been having a very stressful routine and my grandmother whom i love very much almost passed away and is in the hospital. i've been coughing for 2 months now and i'm pretty sure i broke a rib from coughing 4 days ago. i've not been keeping up with my prayers and my addiction has been somewhat heavy. i only had sex one more time, with the same guy from the last time, but i can't refrain from opening the hookup app and talking to guys and checking if someone messaged me ALL THE TIME. i feel an excitement when someone messages me, it goes away so quickly but it feels so thrilling. at some moments no one messages me and i become really frustrated and then i message some guys. i really want to feel like they desire me. i don't really care for actual sex right now - recently i ran out of my sertraline and my sex drive went crazy - i masturbated like 4 times in 2 days after not masturbating for more than a month. now i'm ok again. i just want to be desired and for guys to talk to me. i have already checked the app about 50 times today (more? i have no idea, but i've been doing it all the time and it's unbearable).

this week it ocurred to me that maybe my cousin regretted what he did to me, and his attempts on silencing me were more out of fear than out of evil. but i genuinely believed it for the first time. two days later i dreamed that my family had found out about his being a paedophile, but not that he molested me. i meant to find an opportunity to tell them, but i began to cry everytime i thought about it. i very seldom cry in dreams. and i very seldom dream about him. i feel like this has been a big step. however, i also believe this has something to do with my grandmother's imminent death. one of my great fears about telling my family about my abuse has always been that she will die if she finds out that her late beloved grandson is a child molester.

i don't know what's going on, but i don't like it. today i dreamed that my behaviour brought demons into my house and i was so scared.

Hugs! Many hugs....!