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wasp_rainbowarrior
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Joined: Sun Sep 08, 2013 1:48 am
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- December 2019
the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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relapsing

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Thu Jan 12, 2017 6:32 am

for whatever reason, my posts and comments are not being updated on my blog. i will continue writing anyway...

today i had a relapse. spent hours reading reddit threads about gay sex, was very aroused. then i proceeded to chat with strangers. no sex date, no masturbation, though. first day of the week i didn't read the books i'm currently studying. i hate this. now it's so late that nobody's online on my sex chat, so i went to the kitchen for a coffee, mentally prayed and that took me out of the sex haze. after i finished drinking coffee and eating bread, i felt the urge to go again for cam sex - but then i felt i had an actual choice. i think i'm going to go read a book right now, who cares if it's almost 5am lol?

i'm confident that tomorrow i'll get back to productive living. it was making me so happy until now... i wonder how will it be like when i go abroad to study. the only time i was abroad i was confronted with such loneliness that i actually used hookup apps just to have someone to talk to. those were times of a strong compulsion - not to have sex, just to meet someone, anyone. but on these apps that means having sex with someone. i had sex out of being miserable. but that was only while i was traveling alone and with no good friends waiting for me at the end of the day... i do hope for the best. miserere mei deus, secundum magnam gloriam tuam...

you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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