for whatever reason, my posts and comments are not being updated on my blog. i will continue writing anyway...

today i had a relapse. spent hours reading reddit threads about gay sex, was very aroused. then i proceeded to chat with strangers. no sex date, no masturbation, though. first day of the week i didn't read the books i'm currently studying. i hate this. now it's so late that nobody's online on my sex chat, so i went to the kitchen for a coffee, mentally prayed and that took me out of the sex haze. after i finished drinking coffee and eating bread, i felt the urge to go again for cam sex - but then i felt i had an actual choice. i think i'm going to go read a book right now, who cares if it's almost 5am lol?

i'm confident that tomorrow i'll get back to productive living. it was making me so happy until now... i wonder how will it be like when i go abroad to study. the only time i was abroad i was confronted with such loneliness that i actually used hookup apps just to have someone to talk to. those were times of a strong compulsion - not to have sex, just to meet someone, anyone. but on these apps that means having sex with someone. i had sex out of being miserable. but that was only while i was traveling alone and with no good friends waiting for me at the end of the day... i do hope for the best. miserere mei deus, secundum magnam gloriam tuam...