many things took place since i last posted... i've had my first birthday without my grandmother and that is something huge, when i begin to remember all the years i spent with her, all those afternoons watching tv by her side and how much she loved preparing things for me to eat - sometimes i ate although i wasn't hungry, just to make her happy...

for the first time in my life, i felt true pleasure in sex... still felt bad afterwards because i had no connection with the man i was with. but i began to open my life a little more for the men i went out with. i actually had three pleasurable experiences with two different men. that somehow made me feel free from the need to have sex. now i feel that i have taken back something that belongs to me. i don't want to have casual sex ever again.

then i met a guy i'm actually interested in. for the person he is, not for his sexual persona. i did not have sex with him. at first i was really attracted to him, than i wasn't anymore, but i still liked him very much. being in love is something like this, but not quite so. for the first time in my life, i made an emotional connection with a man that did not rely on sex at all to exist... i feel a little in love, but i don't think my feelings for him are exactly romantic, also. we agreed to be friends, but everything is still very confusing for me and i have to take care not to let my sexual persona take over, because that would be the death of our relationship.

i'm thinking about starting a blog in my language about being a gay sex addict. i've met so many people displaying obvious signs of SA and they have no idea it even exists...

Oh wow...

First off still sorry about your grandmother- she sounds as if she was a huge part of your life!

Wow this sounds like some good things going on in your life, and I'm glad to read this blog post. I'm glad you had some sex that you honestly enjoyed, although I know it's something that causes conflict, in and of itself, for you- but still I'm very happy for you that for a change, it wasn't some compulsion but something that you were able to really enjoy for what it was. That's so nice to hear, coming from you, and I'm glad for you.

Also with liking a guy and sex not being the central focus. That sounds great too, sweetie... I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have developed into more.