i got my new phone and now old desires of using hook up apps and exchanging nudes are arising. i have to be really careful not to give in. it's incredible how such a small device can make a huge mess in my life. all the hooking up started after getting my first smartphone. god help me getting rid of the temptation...

it happened 7 hours ago, yet i was so furious that i cannot breath deeply until now, even after calming down - even though just thinking about it makes me furious again. i warn the reader that it is not a reason to get mad about and i will probably sound like a spoiled prick. my phone stopped working about a week ago and today i went to buy a new one. after i paid for it, i found out they had given me a model in a ridiculous colour without even asking me which colour i wanted - a colour different from the one i had pointed to. ok, it happens, so i asked to change the colour. they said it was too late because the store was closing and i had to go back the other day - even though apparently it was not too late for them to lecture me for 10 minutes about how i should hire this insurance for my phone that cost almost a quarter of the phone itself without even being allowed to read what the insurance contract says beforehand - ridiculous. on top of it, i had my mother acting like a bitch because i was mad and afterwards lecturing me on how i should not be mad, with this talk about "i thought you were controlled, now i don't anymore" - oh, mother, if you only knew. i really had to control myself not to rageously yell at everyone in public. i was so mad my mother said she is going there tomorrow to exchange the phone without me. the reason i am mostly mad about is because i think they will try not to allow the exchange and my mother will probably not be able to handle the situation because she has no guts. they tried to make me sign a paper that said "i am aware that this store allows no exchanges", but i managed not to sign it without them realising it. i spent three days researching on which phone has the best cost-benefit because i have very little money to spend (aparently did not get the job i was hoping to get, by the way) and therefore can't afford not to like my phone. now i might end up stuck with something i didn't ask for but payed for.

but i don't know why that makes me so mad. i've been through much worse situations that didn't affect me that much. i do hate stores and corporations in general, exactly because they are always trying to trick people to make more money, but still. my family has me for a very calm and well balanced person. they never thought it was weird that i was a quiet child who didn't cry and didn't do anything it was not allowed to. my family has basically no idea of anything that happen in my personal life, or of certain traits of my personality (none of my friends would ever label me as calm) or of the event which hold the greatest importance on my unhappiness. they have no idea that my great unhappiness exists. i have literally trusted strangers more than i trust my family. i hate living like this. part of the love i can't feel for anyone is definitely related to the fact that i hide huge, deeply true parts of myself from almost everyone i know. more and more i realize how i don't have a relationship with my father. he literally doesn't give my anything i like since many years ago - he has no idea of what i like or dislike. he never asked about it and neither about almost anything else. i am more close to my stepmother than to him. only recently i started noticing how cruel and merciless he has been to my sister and me and how he hasn't done anything to fix himself saying he doesn't have the time - even though he spends a ridiculous amont of time trying to be good for people outside the family. i never asked anything from him because i though he was poor - what a surprise for me when i found out that he earns twice as much as my mother. he gives my sister everything she wants, yet gives me nothing despite the fact that unlike my sister i actually need most things i struggle to buy for my own. my sister has the phone i wanted to buy, but can't afford - and i don't mean anything expensive. he used to give her his old phones - even though the one i had was much, much worse. he puts...

[ Continued ]

about my last post, i gave in and ended up masturbating two times (on that night and on the morning after) remembering experienced with men i've had. funny how i can get super turned on by the reminiscence of something that didn't actually give me pleasure.

anyway, after the second time, i was laid down on the couch and everything was just arranged so i would remain there feeling miserable about life all afternoon and night, maybe even sleep so that my sleeping schedule got even worse. then i decided that if i didn't do anything on that exact moment i would lose the rest of my day. i got up, went for lunch, then talked to some friends on facebook (my phone is broken, which makes losing time much harder), then went on to practice music all afternoon, had dinner and went over to play some duets with a friend - afterwards we went to subway and i had so much to eat, i ate so much that afterwards i was sleepy, so it was around 3 am (3 hours before my usual bedtime) when i went to sleep. i actually crashed on the couch, which i've been doing instead of going into my bed for the past few days. so today i woke up again, then practiced all day long and went to the movies. just got home. god help me remain that way. i am so happy, ive had no compulsions, i'm getting so satisfied with my results. i'm going to start taking ballet lessons. i will take posession of my body. my rapist cannot have it forever.

i'm getting an urge right now. i've opened a chat room and then closed it after feeling horrible about it. it is awful to have a desire that can only make you feel worse if you fulfill it. i don't think i'll try anything else today, since my disgust for the chat room was immense. i'm not getting anything done. my sleeping schedule is ruining everything. i go to sleep by sunrise and if i don't get 10 hours sleep i begin feeling very sleepy and then sleep during the day and wake up too late to practice my instrument and can't sleep until sunrise again. it sucks and i can't get out of it. and at night i basically just binge watch bad movies. i could be playing so many concertos and sonatas very well by now if i had been practicing. this is what frustrates me the most. i am so angry at myself.

i started taking participation on the research yesterday. it doesn't require to write a journal, so i'll keep blogging here. i just have to fill some likert scales and describe my feelings in detail. boring, but reminds me of cognitive therapy too much. i took cognitive therapy lessons in college, but that never seemes very good for me. anyway, the money is great.

i hade like 3 hours sleep from yesterday to today. i had to wake up at a decent time in order to go to mass. i really love goint to mass and i see it as a model for the way i wanted my life to be. not only impactantly beautiful, but also restful due to safe morals and intelectually and symbolically rich. i've just finished lunch, i'm going to wait a while and practice music for at least 90 minutes. for the first time since tuesday. last week i couldn't go to my regular church and i believe that might be related to my feeling not so well last week. it really fills me up with the fertility and the vitality of the holy spirit. i was thinking this morning that as much as i've suffered these recent times it really made my faith strong - i am much more certain that solely in it i can find any happiness. i've never talked about this, but converting to catholicism has been a huge part of fighting against my addiction.

sometimes it bothers me to write in english. i have but a vague idea regarding the use of in-on-at and sometimes i write things that sound really funny when i read them a second time. it would be nice if i had some grammar lessons. i was like 11 the last time i went to english class.