i just came back from my friend's place. the one friend that was in love with me and tried to kiss me by force some time ago. he had another friend over who was supposedly straight but they were drunk (not me, i'm not drinking because of the meds) and his friend proposed that we had a threesome. i felt an urge to say yes (as i always feel when it comes to sex, whatever the case), but i declined it because of my past with my friend which would obviously make things very complicated. i still though my friend's friend was attractive, so together with my usual urge i had another voice in my head telling me to try and dump my friend from the threesome and be just with his friend. of course i know this would be a horrible thing to do, not only because it would mean a personal attack to my friend but also because i know that it would make me feel awful about myself later and tbh i don't even find him that attractive. the few weeks i managed to lead a life of chastity and prayer made me so happy that all i want right now is to have that back and it wouldn't make sense to throw everything away because of so selfish a desire. i must say, however, that i partially gave in to that impulse and through my words i hinted them both what my selfish desires were. i am happy that i managed to contain my inner incubus (i can't think of an image that better suits the way i feel) and i did not give in to my sexual impulses, or right now i would be on my way to a bad, bad place. even now images of them both together without me run through my mind and make me wish i were there, although i know suffering and pain would be the inevitable results of my wishes coming true. i wonder how far would i go on making myself and others suffer if i just gave in to every sexual impulse i have. oh, lord almighty, help me love and desire that which is good for me...

hugs! May God help you to be the person you wish to be....