Long stupid dull day

Some very strange man called asking about the roads. He wanted to know the width requirements for the off ramps and on ramps on the highways. I am in a doldrum and I am not feeling well and I get this question smack out of the blue.

My mind is deteriorating. I dont' know what to do. I just about want to cry. I am scared but nobody believes me or will help me.

I feel sick but I cannot leave this hell. I hate this place with every fiber of my being. I take stimulants everyday to make my mind work better but I know, pretty much that my mind is going. I'm only 45.

I was sick today--had really bad diarrhea.

So I've been messing around most of the day--looking up the house I was born in, looking up the house I live in now and looking up my dad's house just for the heck of it.

30 more minutes in hell.

I wanted to get a Master's in Library Science but I don't know if I can now.

I'm just so upset.

After that weird man called, I looked up on how to deal with psycho phone calls and of course, the stupid "Google" pulled up a bunch of stuff about ex's. I cannot stand my ex, so there he is not in any "danger."

So, I just want to go home.

I feel so lost and so depressed.

I can't stand my church now. I hate Praise Team. I can't sing anymore. They all sound like commercial singers and I can't keep up.

I joined this church like 3 years ago but now I just don't like it anymore but my son likes the church and my husband and I live hand to mouth so now I have to stay with them because of the babysitter. Now, we geniunely are friends with the babysitter but I just get so outdone.

We've been without water for 7 days now.

I am angry at my husband so I've been daydreaming again.......My daydreams are rich and full and beautiful but they too make me even more sick.

Whatever med concotion I have had previously doesn't seem to work. The anti psychotic just dulls everything and the lamictal might be what made this deterioration excelerate.

I can feel sensations at the sides of my head all the time. I take the stims as I said before and they make me able to think but I still feel fuzzy all of the time. My depression is very chronic.

I hate FB but I need FB. I just feel so horrible. I feel so alone, still. People will tell me that I need "God." Well, if God is here then where is a church where I don't feel stupid and idiotic? Where is MY church God?!!!!!!!!!!

No, I have been content before and this is not your average discontentment.
But anyway, something has to give. I am depressed even with good friends. I am dissoulutioned because my son is almost as mentally ill as I am, I am tired of living this weirdo duct tape existence and my mind, as I have said, is going.................................

There really isn't much more to hold onto..

I did skip the ap and I feel better. Last night was very rough. Things just didn't go the way that they should have.

BUT I made it through and I'm okay now.

I still feel like throwing up. Today has just been a bad day.

I've been feeling "out of it" most of the day, in a state of arrested panic. I might just skip the antipsychotic tonight. I find that also I care less than I should for other people. That's really bad. I was angry and had some road rage today as well. And, when my son was giving some wild little story, I was a total bitch and just sat there going "Oh really?" and "I see" and that wasnt' right either. I freak out when my son acts like a little boy, which is really stupid.

My boss is pissed at me........100 reasons why.

I don['t even want to be here now. I don't even want to work now. I feel so goddamn stupid. I feel so damn ignorant.

###$ it all.

I feel like crap today. I want to throw up.

I think that when I am together, people don't like it. I still think that. When I look okay. I don't know if it is because people get angry at me being delicate and that my changing patterns are difficult to keep up with or if it is just that people are naturally fickle. I don' t know. I was exploring mobbing and now I am exploring "haters."

The morning is bright. The sun is really out. Last night, I had McDonalds pumpkin spice and some supper with my friend G. The water has been out for 5 days and she let me take a shower at her trailer. I also cleaned her trailer for her, so the tradeoff was even.,

It is interesting how when I look to bad or too good, I get to her the phrase "that crazy woman" a lot. I am always fascinated by that. They want me at a certain homeostatic point.

I forgot my Spanish today; it is at the house.