Yes, I am repressed. It sucks. I hate sxlty.

At work, though I am very very well behaved and I don't flirt at all.

The drive is mainly stayed by dreaming about actors. I used to resent Aryans but now I'm back to blonde haired, blue eyed. Dont' ask me how that happened. I used to like dark haired dark eyed. Now, I am back to Luke Goss and a new to my dreams, actor Peter Woodward. The focus on Aryans might be because of the boss, who is of A/S descent. There is one person offline, what I call "just add water" where if things were different, I'd probably be with that person. They are a Celt of Presbyterian derivation, a member of the Brigantes tribe.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brigantes


I'm staying to myself more. I didn't go ANYWHERE this past weekend. I stayed home the entire time. I took a rhisperadol, and this one was COATED and it didn't affect me like the chalky pills-There was no coma and I could walk. I don't know if it is a lower dose or if the coating helps but I didn't have to take it with cogentin or anything. Mind you, it did make me sick and it did make me drowsy.

Yet two dualities-I suppose that nothing is ever black or white. I am supposed to dislike Anglo Saxons and of my group, only like Celts. If this is about the boss, then probably it is that "lost daddy effect" and that often happens. And also, I have not seen my friend Gladys in about two weeks so I am not under the East Indian partner influence and am not exposed to the ethnicity of those types of men.

About psychiatry, I just don't know what to say. The rhisp. did help. I think that it may have been the coating on it and that it might have been a lower dose. I'm less loopy this morning. I am supposed to hate psychiatry and am supposed to hate rhisperdol, but I have been in such severe psychic pain that I took one out of desperation and somehow, it worked. It has not worked in the past.

Of actors, I suppose, identity wise, I could just say that I like men of all races and types and that anyone who is intelligent and soulful is worthy of dreaming about.

And reality of course, **** is always there. To know what I am which is what they say. I could and am trying to become this with my own husband and in our own bed because the other siblings who are also highly sexual, are the same way but limit their sexuality to their spouses.

People essentially think that look at anythign that moves. This is probably fairly close to the truth but not like they think. In the morning, I just sort of look about because I am half asleep. And this morning, there was someone who said "Good Morning" a co worker of my husbands who is an alcoholic from AA. Obviously, being from my "side of the street"--being the lone intellectual weirdo psycho freak of poor character, he would say "Hello." That's how it is in my demographic. We pretty much try to keep together and against the world which hates us. I mistakenly thought it was two otehr people walking. Of course, they "branded" it as either my mental illness or the slut thing.


I've always kind of been a slut. I was exposed to **** when I was young and was *****. It always stuck. It appears only to be with men my age and slightly older, so I am not a "Cougar" or anything like that. Anything else odd comes from emotional attatchment to another significant person and manifests as a "courtly pure" phenom so I am comfortable with that and most of the time, it isn't seen.