Despite the wack-a-doodle-ness of yestreday's blog entry I'm not *suicidal.I'm feeling better wuith no intention on smoking or stealing.Those stupid thoughts came to me the same way some of the dumber youth entrenched in net culture have said that STUPID "FML".It's one to say how unpleasant your life is b/c of shallow stuff.It's another to be shallow enough to not see that your shooting yourself in the foot by acting like your invoking obloquy on yer own existence,dumba---s -_- .Even f----n *I * DONT do that-->make things worse that way 4 myself.

By "killing" the negative voice off I meant the habit I have made of doing audio journal logs.Make sure you have a decently working computer with a functional sound recorder,talk to your hearts content,save the file,put it away somewhere secret like a cloud drive,repeat.My mind goes faster than my mouth not by that much but it goes faster than my hands on a keyboard or with a pencil,by which time my thoughts could've changed twice before getting past finishing writing a word or as one teacher found it to be and as I found out thru a counselor "a doodling".That dumba--- -_-...well she was okay I feel like saying that b/c she was a dumba--- 4 thinking my act of writing (as ugly a--- as I admit it to be) was me drawing.God I find that so insulting -_-..

She was a nice person who's past I wont get into and here I am worried that she might work at the college now ....the stupid s--- I got change

D--- homework to do.Wish I could get an extension on my socio work like make it due in 3 days when I've come back to my sense...

*Though I keep putting off and telling myself to do a posting on the long time ago when such things crossed my mind -_-.Tricky part is it *sorta* goes hand-in-hand with another posting I'd like to make.

This is what the inner debates I have occasionely look like.This is one after a "visual indulgent binge" that took up 1/2 of yesterday.I'm putting this s--- up to exposure.This thing /I wrote in my stormed up little mind that I stopped typing b4 1 pm and didn't really look at,b/c of ppl around me which made me have to hide the MS docu at the bottom while I typed without seeing the results on the screen.That's why there are loads of spelling mistakes.M is for me and LS for "a worse part of me" I've called "lesser slime" after the tips in a self-help book that had a part about internaling debating with the other parts in your mind.. I'm assuming these "voices" aren't the same kind that schnizopernics get but the parts in every nominally average person that disagrees and debates with them when deciding on something.

Thw word file I wrote this on was made on July-‎17-‎13, ‏‎12:42:34 PM and I was thinking about putting it on another forum I go on but this is better..

"M:Why do you wanna destry yourself?

LS:B/c I can?

M:B/c there’;s nothing 2 live 4?

LS:Basically.

M:Why are you suggesting I smoke cigarettes?

LS:You indulged yourself big time yesterday.Why not more?

M:B/c cigarettes f--- up your lungs and running spped.Something I’ve d--- well developed 4 way 2 f---n hard a time 2 give in some punk a--- socializing component like social smoking.

LS:F—off

M:You f--- off you mother--- !!


LS:Why do we do this?

M:I don’t know.B/c your trying to kill me?

LS:B/c your uselss?

M:What?

LS:You heard me.All of f---n life narrows down 2 f----n utility.In spite of virtue,commitantment,ethics,spirituality,morality or all the other metaphysical c---.Your not useless then in the eyes of the ruthl.less Hamiltonian f---s who run this cheap stand your nothing but a picec of s---.Oh they know they’ll eventually have a grave consequence for them.But why not get things your way while you have the power if you know the chill certainity of your demise?.Send some f---n ripples into other ppl’s lives.Totally f--- ‘em up b/c you can and your useless.

?I am useful.Therefore I can do whatever I want.


M: swear I gotta read a book on reasoning.To much of this s--- is caused by binaries,what if statements and syllogism.Simple,two part,powerful lil’syllogism.

This music the “Om benza satto hung” on the Deva Premal CD is good at keeping you in place.

Ls:Yeah you wish.But 4 ow long?

M:As long AS I NEED TO GET S--- LIKE YOU OUT.

LSs:Nothing makes sense in this world.Hardly anything does.You know that.
Love does but how f---n obtainable is that?.Like world peace and happiness on Christmas day?.

M:…

LS:Hah nothing to say



LS:Haha I’m right!.

M:All you want 2b is right don’t you?.All the world to ashes and you screaming I WAS RIGT!>I WAS RIGHT!>Right in what?.Being right/correct doesn’t mean vitue.It’s not a good thing.It’s affirmation.Simple affirmation.An affirmation of a truth.Unescapable truth.Truth that is bad or good,favorable or unfavorable,constructive or destructive etc.

LS:Your writing this like your possessed

M:Yeah by your kind.You scum wad

LS:Call me that again!.

M:”My left foot” quote
“All is nothing, therefore nothing must end.” From the sucide note.Powerful syllogism.Sound like a case for eternity.

LS:F--- off!.

M;Oh you have a problem wit hthat?.A case for eternity bothers you?.Why?.B/c of the unknown of it?.Could be good or bad bwith you not being right?.See this is what I’m talking about.

LS:There’s still ambiguity in it.”Nothing must end”.The nothing can be a something and from that something emerges a substance.Good or bad like an addiction.

M:You have a f--- up sense of logic.Made all the less keen b/c of these binge indulgences.

LS:I wanna smoke!I wanna smoke!.

M:No you don’t.Count yourself lucky that I don’t fdeliver a death blow to you a site on...

[ Continued ]

I feel bad for how I said that the ppl in computer sci related program are "nerds" in a blog posting a while back.I apologize and feel bad for having said that and would like to say that what I meant/should have said/would have been better to say is that they **are well established in the programming scene** on arrival to the college program in contrast to someone as newbie as myself.

I fortunately finished all homework that has to be submitted.There's only what little of a last Java lab to do that I'd like to at least comment no matter how half-baked it is by tommorrow and a cheat sheet to make which can a meaningful difference this time after some slogging thru legions of examples of what the flip we've been doing in class.

Intending to look for a place to volunteer soon.It's nice to only have 2 exams.Good fortune to anyone wo writing that many or more or less.There's still the issue of resigning OSAP stuff `~` *sigh* but there's only two courses that I have to take to make this year not have been a waste and be able to say that I got a computer science level 1-certificate.That's all I got to say right now.

"Those things which we should forget we remember and that which we should remember we forget."

I forget who said that quote but it's one that applies with me like with the chat I had with a counselor this morning.And to think that for a while I was forgetting stuff I've said on how having been thru a liberal arts program you enjoyed is a badge of courage... like how I'm going to soon with the "general arts and science" program BABY!.WHHOOO YEAH!.I'm hoping that by reading my past entries on the field I'll be more motivated.That's how you look at the past:by picking out the right stuff 2 look back on.

This vid on the shizz introverts hit's the spot https://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=SjcTHK8DeFE&feature=endscreen .Ahh so many good points.Today I've had trouble deciding what HW 2 do 1st esp.when I think how I have a week long break nxt week.

But to get 2 at what I wanted 2 say b4.I think the reason I still do blogs instead of using my journal is that the button is more readily available then how 3/4 of time 4 some stupid reason the site says that it cant look up my own postings -_- .But yeah,there's no reason why not 2 switch 2 using my journal instead.I mean most of the time my entries aren't entirely centered on a psych problem of mine,I'm not expecting anyone to comment them and it'll save time 4 the moderators.

I guess (until next time if I dont forget) I'll switch 2 my journal .