many people may not know, but i'm brazilian and here we celebrate carnaval like crazy. i've been partying for 3 days and there's more tomorrow. i haven't feel any sex compulsions. i did feel like having sex with this guy but it was not compulsive (i didn't even though we made out a couple times). i'm drunk right now. a guy i used to have sex with 2 years ago and with which i had sex with again in december is apparently still in love with me and he insisted really obnoxiously for us to have sex again. i obviously did not want it and he pretty much ruined my night. he actually tried to force me and that made me really upset. i'm drunk right now and i sound like i don't even have mental issues. these last days have been incredible except for that. someone tried to steal money from me but i caught them and they had no success. i am writing this because it's important to register it when i'm well and not just when i'm awful. and i've also hooked up with 2 different girls (first time with a girl ever), one of which is my great friend and i liked it. let's see how it goes.

i've been thinking more about the whole "i might be bipolar" thing. in the beginning of 2014 i quit psychotherapy because i thought i had found plain and complete happiness in philosophy. some months later i got unbearably hooked on cyber sex and that was really horrible for me, i felt horrible and i went back to therapy with a different therapist. i continued to feel awful until i read confessions by st augustine of hippo and felt as if i had found absolute truth and happiness and gotten over all my problems. i then began to actually have sex with strangers and that was my worst phase of the addiction, with multiple guys everyday. then i had gonorrhea and i was terrified, then for some months i had a marvelous life of multiple hours of study everyday about all fields of humanities,which was followed by another terrible cycle of addiction and that was the only time i actually considered suicide as a way to solve my problems. then again another period marvelled by the things i read and so on. i can actually trace all my mood cycles long back in time because they are always unforgettable. it makes so much sense to think i might have bipolar disorder. my mother is really worried about everything and she has no idea of the things i really live. i find it so sad that hiding so many things keeps me apart from the people i love. i had a dream today that i was a japanese girl wearing a plaster mask and i kept telling my friend "no, i'll be drunk" no matter what she asked me. then i pretended to be some kind of monster (a ghost? a zombie? a vicious creature? i dont know) and my friend was scared. i started telling her i was kidding until i realized i was right: i was a monster. and i couldn't take my mask off. sometimes i think that i am very selfish and dont have enough empathy because of all the things i'm constantly hiding and never relaxing. i'm probably being delusional about my future happiness again but this time i think there will be a major change in my life.

now that i'm slowly coming back to reality (haven't felt any desire to have sex whatsoever since my last post) i've been thinking about my symptoms and i'm coming to the conclusion that i might have bipolar disorder with predominant depression. i believe my sex addiction manifests itself only during my depressive phases. i've been thinking about the ups and down of my emotional life, remembering times when i was so damn depressed without any happiness and really tired and sleepy, and they altenate with periods when i am ridiculously happy and productive, studying many hours a day and making lots of plans for the future. my addiction really doesn't fit in the mere addiction diagnostic because at moments like now i have no desire whatsoever to have sex even if i go to the hookup app and the guys' pictures and everything.

i talked to my mother today that i wanted to see a psychiatrist because i think i have bipolar disorder and her eyes filled with water and she didn't believe i had it and told me i don't have any symptoms and that the medicine they will gave me is bad and that she thinks i actually have hormonal problems and that i should check the lithium on my exams instead. she doesn't know anything about the little hell i experience so i'm not mad at her for invalidating me, but i told her that doing it or not is ultimately my decision. i just don't want this to become a point of conflict because i don't need this in my life in addition to everything else. i'm also reading a book from baars and terruwe that discusses the difference between sin and mental illness that i think might really help me come in terms with the conflicts between my condition and my religion. at least now i've been able to do something that goes somewhere about my addiction instead of just suffering and enduring.

i'm once again shifting in my interests. today i began feeling better about life and wanting to make music. i am hopeful. when i open the hookup app i have a profile in i feel sick. that's how i was some time ago, around october 2016. i then deleted my profile and remained out of the hookup app for some months (until this month). yesterday i counted and i've had conversations with about 175 different men in 20 days. how ###$ up is that? after the dream i wrote about on my previous post i had a different dream in which i had many books from g. k. chesterton and as i thought about them i relized that it's useless to read any book before i've read "orthodoxy". in real life i have read orthodoxy and it's the most important book of my life. i guess the meaning of the dream is that it's useless for me to fixate on any subjects of the faith until i have an orthodox foundation. and the other dream meant that right now i have things (the band faun may be a reference do satyromania and plus it's on my phone, with which i have a bizarre relationship due to the hookup app) which stop me from participating on the sacraments like everyone else. i believe these dreams were sent to me by god and they have worked in ways other than just the intellectual way. i am so grateful that i'm stopping to get hooked on hooking up. one thing that bothers me A LOT is that my therapist thinks that my religion is a way of repressing my sexuality and that the reason my sexuality is out of control is because i've been repressing it for a very long time. on top of everything, and the worst part, is that she has a clear disbelief that i might ever be able to be celibate or marry to a woman and be happy. today she talked as if my felling in love with women was a way of punishing myself like my addiction is. this honestly makes me consider looking for a different therapist who actually respects my religion and doesn't try to impose on me his ideas of what people should be like. this is why i hate jungians.

i was waiting outside of a place. me and a big group of people i know but can't identify were going to go in there to watch a documentary. when we got in, it was a church. everyone including the father (the actual one at my church) sat down to eat a huge banquet but then my phone started playing music by faun (neomedieval band). i tried to pause it, but couldn't no matter how i tried. i noticed my phone was wrecked and wondered why since i just bought it. i evenctually managed to pause the music, but then the film had already started and i was the only one still not eating and standing up. i grabbed some food that in the dream was deemed japanese (i only remember fried eggplant?) and sat down. my food was not everyone else's food, however. the others were eating different things, because their buffet was on a different place closer to where the film was being projected.

that's all i can remember. it's the first clear dream i've had for the past days and today i didn't feel like having sex despite receiving many proposals. it's not the first dream i've had about being innappropriate in a church.