i can't stop the feeling that being abused made me tainted, like my purity was stolen. i keep thinking that no one would want to be with me because of it. i want to feel clean, pure, like nothing ever happened.

however, one cannot alter the course of time. this is how things are and it's no use trying to change it. being abused does not make me impure, i am not worth less because of it. i just need a decent human being who will not treat me like garbage.

i am so terribly afraid of everything. i think people will laugh at me all the time. i never show my feelings for fear of being laughed at, and hide who i am from my family. they know barely noting about me. i walk on the street afraid, because i think evey man is a potential rapist; yet, i am gay, i desire men. i rarely demonstrate true joy. i create different personalities for each group of friends, because i'm so afraid that anyone might know all of the facets of me. i make everyone like me, even if it means becoming a theatrical character with but little resemblance of my true self. i don't tell my fears to anyone. i just want someone that will accept everything i am, but how can that happen, if i don't let anyone come close?

coming out as gay;

not knowing what will happen with my cousin who abused me. i can't tell because it would ruin my family and my grandmother would not resist;

being incapable of establishing a romantic relationship;

being incapable of having any emotionally satisfying relationships at all;

compensating everything by studying so much even what i don't have to;

losing hope of being able to study on europe after i graduate.

i just wish i had been born in a rich literate family without pedophiles

the last time i talked alone with my abuser (it was on the phone), he told me to be silent about the abuse. it had happened already 9 or 10 years ago, but he still tries to intimidate me. the last time was last year. it got me so shaken (i almost started crying in the middle of a classroom, and i never ever cry in public) that i decided i was never going to let him intimidate me again. if he tries to do it again, i will not accept it. i will bash back, i will tell the truth for everyone to listen. i just hope that i have the strength not to flee before i even get to see him. even if i do that, i will make sure that someone notices it, so that they will ask why is it and then the truth will come out.

Today I was in the park, and i love taking alternative routes. I saw this guy going into the woods and i thought "that's nice, i didn't know that alternate path", so i followed him inside. He walked a little slow and one time he stopped to pee (i thought it was a little weird but nothing very inappropriate, men do that all the time (i'm also male, so it wasn't threatening or anything). so i just walked past him and took a trail for this place no one goes to, but it's the prettiest place in the park, with butterflies and a little river and flowers. then the guy appeared. i thought "ok, he also followed me, he must be an unknown path enthusiast too". when he came near me, he stood like 10 feet away from me for some time as if he was enjoying the view of the lake. then, out of nothing, he pulls out his penis like he was going to pee again - that's when i got alarmed - and started masturbating. i picked up my things and left quickly.

i didn't find him not even a little bit sexually attractive. he was weird and the age of my dad. i'm very very scared of stds. i also panic with physical contact. however, at the time he pulled out his penis i immediately got hard and felt like i HAD to do something sexual with him. this conflict between my fears, my morals, and my sexual desire is what made me leave trembling, wanting to cry and desperately craving to talk with somebody. i called my friend, but i told her nothing of my sexual desires. it happened hours ago, and until now i get this really weird feeling from not wanting anything with the guy and being aroused at the same time.

i wonder if this happened because i was abused as a child. also, everytime a guy that age comes near me in other contexts i begin to think he wants to rape me. my abuser was very younger, he had just become and adult. i'm terrified of sexual contact with people i know. all my sexual activity consists of online cam sex-chatting with faceless strangers. the only reason i don't schedule sexual dates with strangers is because i'm terrified of rape, STDs and what would happen if someone found out.

i'll keep this blog as a journal, for i am afraid to write anywhere else. i think it will help me a lot.